restless

I've been very restless lately. It was not a good idea for me to be in Colorado so long. Most of my friends are gone for the holidays or have moved. It's been snowing and hard to get around. I find myself pacing the house liked a caged animal, almost in limbo for my life to begin. I feel like I am beginning to go crazy around here. Brandon comes on Thursday and that feels like an eternity from now. Sigh . . .

a chapters end

I find myself back in Boulder for the Holidays. The view from my parents house it still lovely, the flat irons rising majestically above town this time they are capped with snow. Everything looks the same but in my heart I'm not the same. Boulder has done it's job for me and not it is time for me to move on to another adventure. I have loved it here, this past summer was so memorable and fun. I will never forget the friends that I've made here. Funny thing is a lot of them are leaving Boulder too. I'm not the only one that has decided to seek my fortune elsewhere. Knowing that some of the people that I was close to are leaving as well makes it easier to make this transition since I won't be leaving behind much.
Come January I'll be a Cali girl again, in Lake Tahoe for 2 months then to live with the love of my life in Santa Cruz. Make some art and move forward with some dreams that I have for my life. not too bad . . .

Happy Birthday

Today is the 30th birthday of one of my best friends. Well we were best friends. The way life goes is mysterious at best. Mike cannot handle me being in a relationship with someone else right now, it's too painful for him. So today on his 30th birthday I cannot call him and wish him happy birthday. So I write it here and in my heart. Happy Birthday Mike Hoffman, I love you very much, I hope today is everything you want and more.

kinda like love

I feel like people are so quick to fall in love. I mean how can you really get to know a person to actually love them after only a short amount of time. but then it happens and you are powerless against it. You look into someone's eyes and it clicks, just clicks. You know that the journey is over this is the one. Love can turn your world upside down and make you smile. he always has a smile on his face when he looks at me, it makes me giggle and smile back. I haven't smiled like that in a long time. I can spend hours with him, days even and I never get tired never get bored. when my fears overcome me I can speak honestly and truthfully to him and he get's it. I never felt like I would abandon love, I only wanted to take a break for a while from men in my life to let my heart heal a bit. But then he came along, someone who would let me grow and heal while being loved, something I didn't think was possible until now. I want to thank the universe for him and the lessons and healing that this provides. Whatever the future has in store I will always be grateful for his presence in my life.

I think

I might be falling for someone
he was under my nose the entire time
I only needed a little space
to see what is truly there
so crazy this life is

muddled

I awoke today around 9, my head heavy with sleep. Alone in the house, my dad left for work hours ago. Remnants of last nights dreams are still perched on the tip of my brain but I cannot recall them. I know that I dreamed about a certain cat, I dream about him often. I am puzzled about why I dream about him though, our intimacy will go no father than friendship at the moment, maybe forever. I do not know his full purpose in my life, I cannot remember my dreams well enough to have a guess either. I roll out of bed the cold of fall hitting my toes. Thoughts about the day bombarded my senses, muddling most of everything else in my mind. I must unpack and repack my car, I've been careless of late and everything is strewn about in a heap. It will be almost 2 months that I've been on the road and homeless. The summer in Colorado seems so far away right now and in the state of mind that I am in I'm not sure where I belong anymore. I've come to a place lately where thing have happened that I did not for see them happening which has led me to a place of not having to many expectations of the future. I feel like that might be my test for a while, learning to be fluid with the shifting tides of life. Trying to live a day with simple aspirations. Fall has hit Loomis now, the leaves are changing or they are on the ground. The past weekend brought neighborhood children out to roll around in their mystery. I came to the realization that I cannot come back here for long periods of time anymore. I spent last night with my best friend from high school. I had not seen her or talked to her in 7 years but we recently got in touch thanks to myspace. We went to dinner and talked about the years gone by, reminiscing about everyone that we went to school with. Most are married with children in perfect or seemingly perfect lives. Lives that are so far from my reality that I can barely imagine. I know that no one has seen the desert like I have or has dreamed the dreams that I have. None is bad at all, we all choose our lives but theirs seem like prison to me, one that I ran away from long ago to a city by the bay with a vision of a different life. We looked at pictures of people 10 years ago and people now. How we all have grown up, looking like adults instead of children. It was fun to hang out with her and talk, there aren't many people that I've known for as long as her. I felt like I was 18 again but that is nothing to boast about. I barely remember 18, a muddled sense of college mixed with raves spiked with drug use. Escaping my mind when I didn't know yet that I had to make the changes for myself instead of running from them. yes, this area brings back memories that I would rather forget, a life that was dark and painful, not really hard in many ways. my parents did their best, they loved me and still do but being the child of people that see the world differently than she does is hard, you give up trying to make them believe in fairies. I continue the journey today heading to santa cruz to stay at the rose farm and relax for a while by the sea, Friday I'm back in SF, the 5th brings me up to Tahoe and then 10th I fly home to Colorado for the holidays. The past couple months seem like a dream. I've lived a life I've only wandered about, almost fell for someone, realized my own potential, met people that will be friends for life, and caught a glimpse of my life's purpose. Not too bad . . .

Wow

I can honestly say that I've never lived my life like this before. I have complete freedom. No where I have to be, no one to answer to. It's been such a beautiful journey that I've been on since the beginning of October. I've learned so much about myself and the inner workings of my own heart. I've met beautiful and amazing people and entered the last year of my 20's. I've learned more and more in the last couple of weeks the importance of remaining fluid, letting things slip by me not holding on too tight to anything nor having expectations of anything either. My life has been full of vague ideas lately. I know I am moving to Tahoe but I have a month til then and who knows what will happen during that time. I don't even know what will happen in Tahoe, it's all very ambiguous. It's already changing for me what I thought my experience will be like there but it's ok with me. So much that I never thought would happen did happen and it makes me feel like you never know what the outcome will be. All I can do it put good energy and Love in the direction that I am going and know that the universe will provide for me in the best way possible. I've been all over norther california the last 2 months. On Dec. 10th I go home to Colorado for the holidays. I'm looking forward to going back for a little bit, i've been missing my friends there. It'll be good to see everyone and have a proper goodbye. The more I think about life the more I am constantly amazed, isn't life grand??

sometimes the journeys that life takes you on are just plan crazy

I don't understand how you can meet someone that has no fear of death or pain but they fear the feelings of their own heart

moving on

My time in South Lake Tahoe has been interesting and fruitful. It seems that come January for a bit Lake Tahoe will be my new home. It is all so exciting to have this freedom to move where I please. I feel blessed to have found a project to pour my heart into, something who's rewards will be worth more than their weight in gold.

changes

The time that I've spent so far in California seems to have blended into one, long hazy dream. Times on the north coast seeing the most beautiful sunsets I've seen in a while, meeting new people and getting to know not so well know ones. It was an experience that I'm actually missing and I look forward to getting back to. Talking for hours, laughing, watching the sunrise, it all makes sense out there and not only does it make sense, it's required. You can't do this kind of thing without those crucial parts woven through.
A small crush turned into a semi reality, I got to know one certain cat more than I did and he was everything I didn't expect him to be. A surprise that holds it's own lessons in living in the moment and the knowledge that you never know where your life is going to go and it might not go exactly where you want but somewhere close. The one thing that I do know for certain is that it has been a LONG time since I've been able to sit and talk with someone for hours like him. To share similar dreams for your life and the future, energy moving between but you are not exactly sure what the outcome will be. He was a surprise in my vision for my trip out west, but a good surprise.
San Francisco has been a bit of a challenge. I became ill last week and spent some days laying in bed, taking up a lot of space in my very close friends room. He's been an angel to me but I think it's time that we had a little space between us for a couple of days now that I am starting to feel better. San Francisco can close in on you when you least expect it, make you want to run for the mountains or make you want to never leave. My friends made a slip n slide today in Alamo Square. It was hilarious to see grown up dressed like super heroes sliding down a slip n slide in the middle of the city with a DJ providing us with a sound track, laughter filling in the blanks. It was a lovely afternoon and made me miss the city so much. Tomorrow I'm off to Tahoe to see what becomes of the moon and the cat in this next tale of the life of palinor.

scorpio in a nutshell

Scorpio

"Tis' better to be furious than to be bland and uninvolved."

It's said that you can recognize a Scorpio by his stare. That famous stare has become downright notorious in general astrology textbooks and sun-sign columns. Enigmatic, penetrating, probing while revealing nothing, apparently hostile or ruthless. The man with the x-ray vision. This little cameo, along with the infamous passion which is usually attributed to the sign, has gone a long way toward making life pretty difficult for Scorpio people. After all, when someone asks you at a party what sign you are, and you look at them (penetratingly) and reply, 'Scorpio', and they give a little gasp and back away in fright, or instantly inquire what you're doing later, well, it can get a little…difficult.

Scorpio is without a doubt the most perplexing and perhaps the least understood of all the signs of the zodiac. Scorpios themselves do not help this problem, since they are indeed prone to playing the enigmatic, mysterious type when they are unsure of a situation and are checking out the currents. Let's abandon preconceptions and start from the beginning. What is it about the eighth sign that seems to provoke so much confusion, fascination and dread? Open a medieval astrological text and, if you're strongly Scorpio - sun, moon or ascendant - you may as well take a flying leap off the Golden Gate Bridge, or turn yourself in to the police right away before you perpetrate violence or sexual assault on someone. The descriptions are that bad. Power-driven, sex-crazed, violent, warlike, vindictive, cunning: the image is a pretty horrific one. The modern equivalent isn't much better. It's a real nuisance having to live up to Mata Hari (who was a Scorpio rising) or Don Juan. Tiring, you might say. What is Scorpio really like?

Like Cancer and Pisces, this is a water sign. Earlier, we talked about water as the element which is most connected with the feeling side of life. This means that Scorpio, regardless of his habitual smokescreens - and make no mistake about it, Scorpio has the best smokescreens of any of the signs - is a sign of profound feeling and sensitivity, easily affected by the emotional currents inside him and around him, susceptible to the feelings of others, easily hurt, sympathetic, compassionate, often intensely lonely, and driven by an almost voracious need for relationship. Never mind that 'loner' business that has been tacked onto the sign. Scorpio is no loner at heart. Just the opposite. He longs for really profound, close union. It's just that he's rather discriminating about whom he allows into his psychic field, being so intensely sensitive. And also, he's well, you might say a little mistrustful of people.

Let's talk about the mistrust. Scorpio might prefer to call it realistic caution. Like all water signs, Scorpio has no illusions about the goods in the shop window necessarily matching those in the shop.

Scorpio has an uncanny way of perceiving what other people don't wish to be known. Often they don't know it themselves, which makes things even more uncomfortable. It is very unnerving to feel that somebody knows something about you that you don't know yourself. From early childhood on, Scorpio sees through hypocrisy and sham with his curiously, tuned nose for undercurrents. Being watery, he will often not be able to formulate these perceptions. More likely, he'll have strong, immediate gut reactions to people. And you can be pretty sure that when he smells brimstone, he's liable to be dead right. The trouble is that he smells brimstone just about everywhere.

Scorpio, you see, is privy to one of the most profound and disturbing secrets of human nature: all individuals carry within them a dark side. Scorpio cannot afford to be romantic, because he knows perfectly well that alongside mankind's nobility and greatness he is also still an animal, and not a very attractive one at that. We mentioned that the element of air is idealistic. In principle, man is fundamentally good. The element of water is more realistic. Principles are lovely, but life is different. No wonder Scorpio sometimes seems deeply cynical. How could he be otherwise, when he is constantly barraged with the unwelcome and unoffered sight of everyone's dirty linen, including his own?

One of Scorpio's greatest difficulties in life is to learn tolerance. Compassion he's got in plenty, although he will be ruthless when necessary and, unlike Piscean and Cancerian fellows, is far less likely to be swayed by a sad story when the teller has made no effort to help himself. But even with all that compassion, you usually find that Scorpio is intolerant of weakness. Suffering he responds to; he has the deepest sympathy for pain and loneliness. A great number of Scorpios may be found in the helping professions, both medicine and psychology, because they are so keyed in to people's pain and the struggle of those trapped in their own darkness. But laziness and weakness Scorpio will not abide. His attitude is that no matter what sort of mess you are in, you can do something about it, and make of your life what you will. By the time he is ready to leave his life, Scorpio will usually have found the secret to performing this little act of self-transformation himself. Why, then, he reasons can't others? What he fails to realize is that people are made differently, and not everyone has his capacity for ruthless self-discipline. Also, it just isn't everyone's path in life. Scorpio's famous Luciferian pride - the cut-off-your-nose-to-spite-your-face variety - keeps him from recognizing that it's sometimes necessary, even courageous, to yield.

Which brings us to another important facet of Scorpio's nature. We'll discuss it in more detail further on. Suffice it to say here that Scorpio has a great problem relinquishing control. This means control on a lot of levels. It may be controlling spontaneous expression or emotion outward - we all know the character that, even after a couple bottles of wine and a fifth of whiskey, still maintains his iron grip on himself, and will never, never allow himself to appear foolish or sloppy in front of others. It may be controlling other people - and this is a real problem in Scorpio's close relationships. It may be controlling life itself - where you find the arch-manipulators who pull the puppet strings all around themselves to keep the world in its place. Whatever the nature of it, somewhere in his life every Scorpio has a large key which fits a large iron door behind which lies…..Well, you really wouldn't want to know, would you? Take all that insight and immense sensitivity, and a liberal dash of the fierce pride and determination to carve his own path through life, throw in a dose of general mistrust of people's motives and you don't exactly come up with what is colloquially known as a 'laid back' person. Sometimes this produces an attractive and fascinating smouldering quality - hints of fathomless depths. Lucky you if you can plumb them. Sometimes it produces a downright paranoiac.

It has often been said that Scorpio, because of his great will-power, patience, persistence and insight, can succeed at anything he puts his mind to. This is generally true. Scorpio is hard to beat once he decides he's going to achieve something. Because this is a sign of feeling, Scorpio commits himself emotionally to everything he does. Otherwise he can't be bothered. Whether it's becoming a nation's leader (like Charles de Gaulle, a famous Scorpio) or changing a lightbulb, if it interests him, then it will never be just a lukewarm job. It will be done with heart, soul and body thrown in. When you are really emotionally committed to something, you're going to put all of your talents and resources into it. Mountains are effortlessly moved in this way. Insight makes it possible for Scorpio to sidestep, avoid or outsmart - or, if necessary, bludgeon - those who might wish to pull him down, long before anybody else realizes a confrontation is coming. Martin Luther was a Scorpio. Who but a Scorpio can defy the whole Catholic Church. Teddy Roosevelt, another famous Scorpio, had a favorite expression which was his formula for success:
Speak softly and carry a big stick.

And the steady control of this fixed sign, which allows Scorpio to wait for years if necessary to achieve his goal, misses nothing, forgets nothing. It's a remarkable formula for success.

The thing is, success is not usually what motivates Scorpio. Certainly there are those born under the sign who, frustrated in their emotional lives, make absolute power their ultimate goal. But that's a pathological expression of the sign, not a genuine one. Twist anybody painfully enough and you will find they seek power to compensate. The real key to Scorpio's enormous determination to make something of himself lies deep within his own secret soul. His heart is always a battleground, for the masculine and feminine elements war within him constantly, forcing him to delve into his own motivations far more deeply than our extroverted society considers healthy. He has the feminine sensitivity and feeling of the water signs; yet he is ruled by Mars, the god of war, and Pluto, the lord of death. We are taught very early in western culture that Scorpio's brand of introspection is 'brooding', and that to indulge in it is basically neurotic or egotistical. But Scorpio sees it differently. And, after all, he's probably right, at least as far as his own path is concerned. For him it's not neurotic brooding. It's a way of trying to find the truth about himself and about life. To Scorpio, skimming along the surface is offensive. He loathes superficiality almost as much as he loathes weakness of character. He must understand why he feels as he does, why he acts as he does, why others act and feel as they do. He delves and probes into regions which would send the other signs scurrying to the beaches and discotheques. Scorpio must ultimately understand himself, and come to some kind of truce with the warring forces of his nature which allow him no peace.

Every Scorpio carries within him a wound of some kind, an emotional or sexual problem or conflict or frustration which - no matter how hard he tries - refuses to be solved. He usually creates this problem himself. He has a penchant after all, for creating crisis and then pitting himself against the enemy in good dramatic style. There is more of the touch of theatre in Scorpio. This is the secret of Scorpio's self-destructive tendency. This is really why he injures himself, goads himself with something that he cannot overcome. It spurs him to achieve something within himself, which is ultimately much more important to him than outer achievements. He can perhaps recite for himself the lines of William Ernest Henley's poem:
I am the master of my fate.
I am the captain of my soul.

The Scorpio Lover

Enough has been written about Scorpio's famous sensuality and erotic inclinations to make further descriptions redundant. Not only redundant: they're not strictly accurate either. Passion, Scorpio possesses in abundance. But that passion may not necessarily come out in the obvious way. Sexuality for Scorpio is more a matter of emotion - a symbol, a way of reaching a different order of experience. It isn't just a physical release. Taurus is really the sign of pure earthy sensuality, not Scorpio. Many Scorpios have a deep mystical feeling about sex, and sex and love are bound up with a longing for some kind of experience which the ordinary relationship can never provide. Call it what you like - a mystical experience, a taste of the depths, a surrender, or whatever. It has less to do with the body, and more to do with the soul.

You might call Scorpio erotic, rather than sensual. There is a world of difference. Pick a copy of any Playboy magazine and you will see crude sexuality at its most rampant. It's the body which is the turn-on. Eroticism is different; it's the tone, the colour, the atmosphere, the underlying feeling. Watch a film like the Japanese Empire of the Senses. Sexual it isn't; erotic it is. When you understand the difference, you'll understand Scorpio's sexuality. Sometimes there are darker undercurrents to it - a trace of cruelty, a touch of masochism, some fantasies that involve things our grandmothers pretended didn't exist. Experimentation is something Scorpio will happily pursue - provided it's erotic, not mechanical. 'How to' journals bore him. He doesn't need to learn how to. His curiosity is usually alive from the age of three onwards. It's something else he's after.

Because Scorpio is a fixed sign, it possesses a capacity for enduring loyalty and love. This can sometimes amount to an act of great self-sacrifice. That same fanaticism that we sometimes see in Scorpio's religious and political views can permeate his relationships as well. On the negative side, his fixity can amount to absolute possession. Either way, there isn't anything lukewarm about the Scorpio lover. That is, if he is in love. If he isn't, and the magic gateway into the upper (or lower) realms isn't visible, you are liable to be confronted with that chilly quality which all water signs possess when their feelings aren't engaged. Sorry. Nobody home.

Scorpio's biggest problem as a lover - male or female - is, you guessed it, his need to maintain control. This includes the famous jealousy, as it does the deep and enduring love. But he must, at all times, be master of the game. Sometimes this can show in some pretty petty ways. Like having too much pride to apologize when he has done something really stupid, because it means you've one-upped him. Or finding little malicious ways to test you, so that you always have the feeling you're the dispensable one. On the other hand, paradoxically, Scorpio has little respect for someone who won't fight him. That, after all, is weakness. So, you're caught in a bind. He has to win, but he resents it if you don't give him a little flack for it. Fights are fairly common in Scorpio relationships. That is, if you haven't got one of the repressed Scorpios where everything seethes inside, like a hot volcano boiling, but all you see is an occasional puff of steam out the top. If you've got one of those, beware. Send your Scorpio to an encounter group to release the pressure. It isn't much fun when it blows at you.

Crisis and blow-ups are fairly common games within Scorpio relationships. Implacable resentment, and making you pay for any insult - real or imagined - are other bonuses on the less pleasant side. What about the advantages?

What is really rare about Scorpio as a lover is that he has a real capacity for understanding the other person. Since he misses very little, he will usually know an awful lot about you very quickly. For those who don't like this kind of honesty, choose some other sign. But if relationships mean something more than hanging about at nightclubs together, try a Scorpio. His way of conducting relationships - if it becomes a relationship, rather than a one-night experiment - always has depth. He knows how to read another person's needs - and, if not threatened, will do his utmost to meet them. All water signs thrive on being needed. Scorpio is no exception.

Granted, you might not like the amount he or she knows about you. But probing is Scorpio's business. You can't expect this sign to play with veneers. He may keep his secrets, but you won't be allowed to keep yours. Scorpio is not above scanning the telephone numbers in your little black book while you're in the bath, or checking the receipts in your wallet. Both Scorpio men and women do this. Yet this primitive attitude of 'You're mine and that's that' can be immensely flattering. Scorpio is said - particularly by air signs - to be too 'heavy'. But that kind of heaviness is a matter of taste. Whatever else is going, you know the relationship is terribly important to Scorpio. The job, the in-laws, the boys at the club don't come first. And there's a great deal to be said for someone who considers a relationship something current and important, rather than something which can be placed on the shelf while he gets on with something else.

There are a lot of current opinions and definitions of jealousy. From Cosmopolitan magazine to erudite psychology books, jealousy is one of the most perplexing and ever-present of human emotions. Some people believe that jealousy is a natural accompaniment to life, the sour with the sweet. Others think it's pathological, a sign of insecurity. Others believe it has something to do with older standards of morality. Still others believe that it's morally wrong, and not part of the idealized state of self-abnegating love which says, 'Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.'

You won't hear a Scorpio mouthing that sort of drivel. More likely he'll tell you. 'Whatever makes you happy without me, you'll pay for.' Jealousy is undoubtedly, in some people, a symptom of deep insecurity and mistrust. Like the beautiful model who once came to me for a horoscope, who was certain her boyfriend fancied everybody else because she didn't think she was worth anything at all. Possessiveness, in some degree, on the other hand, is pretty natural. No one likes to lose what they have become attached to. To Scorpio, possessiveness is as natural as breathing. His feelings are intense. They don't let go easily. It's simply how he's built. Unless a Scorpio has deliberately hardened his feelings because of fear of involvement, you won't find many Scorpio swingers. If you do find one, you can be pretty sure they are running away from their own deep capacity for love, for fear it will hurt.

Double standards are often part of Scorpio's game - male or female. What's good for him, he won't tolerate in you. Many Scorpios believe - with all the emotional fixity of which they are capable - that they have the prerogative to flirt, or have affairs - but not you. 'It's different,' they say blithely. And it's not male chauvinism either; I've heard this from Scorpio women as well. If you want equal standards, you have to train your Scorpio. This means wearing armour, helmet, and lance. It also means being prepared for some god-awful rows, many tears, some rather spicy words, and quite a few hurts - with only the chance of eventually understanding. Otherwise, accept the status quo. Is it worth it? I once knew a woman married to a Scorpio man who had to put up with all of it - the jealousy, the double standards, the little barbs, the moodiness, the works. I asked her why she stayed with him. She replied, 'Because he's exceptional. He's himself. He's also true to himself. Of course he's a bastard sometimes. But he's an individual. I respect that.' There you have it. For many people, complain as you like, Scorpio's fierce individuality can only inspire respect - and often love.

No one experiences a relationship with a Scorpio without changing. They come out of it more self-aware, sometimes a little scarred, but looking at life a lot more deeply. Don't expect fair play and sweetness and light. Remember Milton's Lucifer - better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. But it is said, by some very wise people over many ages, that life is made up of light and dark both, and that only the fool believes it to be otherwise. And Scorpio is no fool.


The Scorpio Woman

There are two keywords you should remember about the Scorpio woman: depth - meaning that hers is a subtle, complex, and never obvious temperament, and will - meaning that this woman is not about to bow her head to anyone or anything, unless it's temporarily necessary to achieve an end. You might also keep in mind other Scorpio qualities: the famous possessiveness, intensity, pride, loyalty. No Scorpio is either easy to understand, or easy to live with; but then, if you wanted something light and frothy and unobtrusive, you'd be with someone else, wouldn't you?
Let's consider the business of depth. Scorpio is a sign which never takes a superficial view of life; it's almost impossible for the Scorpio woman to accept something at face value. This can span a pretty broad range, from the caricature Scorpio who, when you say 'Good morning', wonders exactly what you mean by it, to the Scorpio whose motivation and deepest need is to understand - both herself and the people around her. In short, this is a woman who expects something more from a relationship than surface tokens. Love, to Scorpio, is more than demonstrations of affections or security or sexual gratification, or even intellectual camaraderie. It's a bond which - hopefully, from her point of view - touches the soul, and means no secrets. No secrets doesn't mean the superficial way of interpreting it either, like where were you at five o'clock on Thursday afternoon. It means that she expects honesty of character. Scorpio, being a water sign, has a lot of compassion, which usually comes from her own propensity to torment herself. The Scorpio woman is probably more capable than any other of both understanding and accepting human weaknesses and human darkness. She's not afraid of ugliness, internal or external, because to Scorpio dark and light make life interesting. What she can't stand is the hypocrite, the person who lives in pretence. If you need your masks and your props, stay away from this woman, because that x-ray eye will see through the lot; and she won't stop at seeing, either. There's a strong tendency to try to remake others in Scorpio, and the Scorpio woman will often take it upon herself, consciously or unconsciously, to help transform you - especially if you've got a lot to hide.

Unfortunately for her, there are a great many men roaming the world to whom the idea of being emotionally honest, or straightforward in revealing their own motives, is absolute horror.

Not that that's such a reprehensible thing. It isn't easy to face the mirror, not to the degree Scorpio thinks you should face it. But this is the one area where the Scorpio woman shows her intolerance. She can accept anything in anybody except what she considers to be weakness of character - that is, the person who hasn't the strength to face himself. And she can be pretty scornful, and pretty scathing, if she feels let down.

That propensity for depth is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes her a rare woman, because she's capable of not only seeing but also sharing your pain and your dreams and your burdens; and her enormous strength of will and loyalty are unshakeable even when yours are flagging a little. But her expectations are high; and it isn't easy to live up to them. Basically, she expects that you, like her, should want to be constantly engaged in the great alchemical work of transformation, nothing less. If you happen to prefer sailing and cowboy films to introspection, you might have to explain yourself. Your only chance is in convincing her of the justice of your rights to be yourself. Justice is a thing the Scorpio woman understands. Her sense of justice is so keen and so sensitive and it's virtually inflexible. If she thinks you're in the right, then she's capable of sacrificing completely her own desires and opinions. If she thinks you're in the wrong, and you don't apologize or change your viewpoint, she'll retaliate.

Let's talk about retaliation, since, if you're involved with a Scorpio, you'll have to get used to the concept. Scorpio's sense of justice, as we mentioned, is pretty acute. It isn't an intellectually based judgmental faculty like Libra's either; it's a powerful, gut-level, emotional reaction to any situation where she feels she's been abused and treated wrongly. This can range from being rejected or insulted - which in the case of the more paranoid Scorpio may mean an imaginary rejection or insult - to betrayal. Betrayal is perhaps the thing she hates and fears the most. And if she feels betrayed, she's more likely to strike back than to turn the other cheek. Nice Christian patience and mildness are not, repeat not, qualities which you should be trying to find in Scorpio. It's good basic, primitive stuff - eye for an eye, and all that. Never maliciously, or with cruelty. Just enough to teach you a lesson.

Does it sound a little hair-raising? Well, it depends on how you look at it. The Scorpio woman's feelings run deep and intense, and she doesn't like them to be taken lightly. She's hurt easily because of this intensity and sensitivity, although she can't really be hurt by people in general - only those few she really cares about. Scorpio is extremely selective in love and friendship. Everybody else can go to hell. She isn't intimidated by either public disapproval or snide comments or gossip behind her back. Only from those people who she loves and respects can a criticism or a rejection wound. But then it really wounds. And whether you argue philosophically about the rightness or wrongness of it, that's her stance. Injure her and she'll injure you back, if at all possible. Unless, of course, you did it accidentally. Then she'll forget about it immediately, because that isn't the same thing.

Scorpio has a long memory for both good and ill. Help her, show her encouragement, and she'll always remember it. Betray her and she'll never trust again. In fact, very likely she doesn't really trust you in the first place, or anybody for that matter, because her sensitive and virtually psychic perception of human character tells her that nobody, is really a saint. She's always on her guard, against life and against the shadowy side of others, and against the more convoluted fears and desires in herself. It takes a long time before Scorpio settles into a relationship. She may seem to. But she'll watch for a long time to make sure that you're what you say you are.

Of what use, you may well ask, is this kind of hypersensitivity? Why not just go out and enjoy life and take the bitter with the sweet? Fine if you're a Sagittarian or a Gemini, but not if you're a Scorpio. And the use of it - if 'use' is the word we want - is that spending any time with a Scorpio teaches you to be more aware. Aware of yourself, aware of your motives, aware of your own needs, aware of what drives others, aware of the whole invisible realm of the psyche which we ordinarily, in our extroverted blundering western culture, overlook. Why be aware? Well, if you aren't, then you get nasty things happening - like inadvertently being hurtful and destructive to other people and yourself, and on a broader, collective level, being destructive to all cultural groups and societies. If we all had Scorpio's insight, we very likely wouldn't have much in the way of human cruelty, because we'd catch it first in ourselves.

But for this kind of depth the Scorpio woman pays a price; and the price is that it's hard for her to be frivolous and carefree. Here she needs the help of a partner, and a lot of tenderness and understanding. She'll always have secrets; all Scorpios do. But to watch Scorpio come out of its tangled brooding into a little sunshine is a lovely thing to watch, because then the real warmth and generosity of the element of water is available to other people.

There was that other word, will. It's wise to remember, in dealings with Scorpios of either sex, that you ask, rather than order. This is important to remember if you have a Scorpio child; if you have a Scorpio employee; and if you have a Scorpio woman as well, because (a gentle reminder) the two planetary rulers of Scorpio are Pluto, lord of the underworld, and Mars, god of war.

Not that Scorpio isn't a feminine sign. Remember Mata Hari? She was a classic Scorpio. There's a mysterious and often fascinating quality about Scorpio women; they often exude a sensuality and a thinly veiled and lightly controlled passion which can be intensely magnetic. They also often inspire fear and mistrust, because you're never quite sure what's going on behind those eyes. But those two powerful planetary rulers point out that, along with the intensely female quality of the sign, there's also a lot of fire and a lot of courage and a lot of pride. Don't try to crush the pride. You'll get almightily stung if you do. Scorpio demands respect, and this applies to the Scorpio woman as well as the Scorpio man. She's a person unto herself, not anybody's mate, servant, or property. If allowed to offer herself freely, she's capable of devoting her life. But if you demand or take for granted, you'll meet either with a cold, frosty glare and a deliberate reverse of what you ask for, or you'll suddenly get a screaming, ranting Valkyrie running at you with a spear.
She can be temperamental. The Scorpio woman needs an arena where she can release the fighting qualities of Mars. Releasing them in a relationship isn't always very pleasant, and she does need to have a good fight on occasions. The warrior quality of the sign tends to take to causes, and to other people's fights; the Scorpio woman may often be seen championing the weak or the abused, whether it's in a political arena or a medical or psychological one. But she does need a theatre to work in; and because she thrives on crisis, she needs space to promote them, to accomplish her thirst for transformation and change. Otherwise, guess who bears the brunt of it. Scorpio doesn't like things placid for too long; she mistrusts too much contentment. She's always looking for the worm in the apple, and if things are quiet for too long she'll begin to suspect something's going on underneath. Then she'll upend the whole apple cart, and start a quarrel or a scene, or provoke you into one, in order to find the worm. Never mind. When it turns out that there isn't any worm after all, she's not the least bit chagrined. She accomplished what she was really after: a change in the relationship, a deeper look, a new expression of emotion. She'd rather have you furious than bland and uninvolved.

The airy signs find her fascinating but a torment, because she seems to contain all those depths they're so fascinated by but terrified of; and she pulls them into their emotions, which is the most difficult place in the world for the element of air to be. The other watery signs generally understand her, but they too are likely to be afraid of the probing eye that sees too much. Earth, stolid and realistic, often doesn't understand her; earthy people may love her depth and shrewdness, but miss the fundamental point, and suddenly find themselves upheaved and staring at a reality they didn't know existed. And fire responds to her innate theatricality, but often flies into really dramatic scenes and conflagrations. No other sign can really subdue or tame the Scorpio; all you can do is decide whether this is someone you can understand and love, and if so, then go along for the ride, because it's bound to take you into some pretty strange quarters. One thing it will never be shallow or boring.

Scorpio Shadow

What can we say about the dark side of Scorpio, when he is already so well acquainted with his own darkness? This is a water sign: full of feeling, subjective in approaching life and people. Scorpio has the courage to face all manner of things, but this usually lies on the emotional plane. What he often can't face is the degree to which his reactions are governed by his opinions. We said earlier that the water signs as a group, tend to opinionatedness, because they are so often unaware of their own thought processes. Being so subjective and concerned for their own personal values, it is difficult to see the clear, fair, bird's-eye view of things. And here is one of Scorpio's greatest blind spots. He can be downright fanatical in his views about people and life. And this fanaticism can, in the wrong place and at the wrong time, spur him into some pretty unpleasant actions based on biased or distorted judgment.

Let's take an example of this in everyday life. Let's look at the Scorpio woman who has been hurt in a succession of relationships. For all her insight and sensitivity, you will find that a lot of Scorpio women have formed fixed, crystallized opinions about the opposite sex. Big, blanket generalizations. Like, 'All men are bastards', or 'No man can be trusted', or All men are unfaithful'.


Give one of these a week, a year, ten years, and you have a real horror show, straight out of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Scorpio can ravage a marriage, a love affair, a home, with this kind of behaviour. It isn't sufficient to just say it's a jealous sign. There are many kinds of jealousy. Possessive, yes, but all water signs are possessive. But Scorpio's pathological jealousy isn't simply fear of losing a loved one. We all fear that. Underneath you will find some bitter little vision of life, some black belief about the fundamental rottenness of men/women or whatever. Scorpio's shadow is his negativity, couched in rigid opinions which lurk below the surface and often torment him at the moments when he should feel happiest.

It takes a long time for Scorpio to learn to trust and to forgive. Usually he's learned that mistrust early in life, from seeing the dark shadows standing behind his parents and his religious upbringing and his education. And the wound takes a long time to heal.

It isn't the vindictiveness in these classical situations that is really the problem. Although we're taught that it's un-Christian, a little honest revenge is often healthier than the outward show of acquiescence and the inner, repressed anger that spews out through indirect channels that so many of us call being 'good'. Besides, sometimes it does a world of good for someone to get back what he's just dished out; it might stop him from doing it again. What's really wrong here is that Scorpio never gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. The opinion is already formed, prepackaged like frozen vegetables, ready to be trotted out and tacked onto the offender regardless of whether it's true or not, and without knowing the facts of the situation. Water signs are uncomfortable with facts. Facts confuse the issue, which for water is primarily how it feels, not what really happened. Scorpio's shadow side completely ignores the other person's viewpoint.

This is a pretty hard thing to live with. You can see its traces not only in individuals, but in political and religious ideologies as well. Certain astrologers have considered that Germany is traditionally ruled by Scorpio. Where else but in a Scorpio could you have a single fanatical idea - anti-Semitism - arise with such force to take complete possession of a nation with such destruction following in its wake? The Scorpio who cannot deal with the hydra within himself will project it into the world and see it in others. Then you have the persecutors who believe it their mission to redeem humanity at gun-point. St. Paul was said to have been a Scorpio. Much of the bloodshed committed in the name of Christ throughout the ages stems from his interpretation of Christianity. Never forget that Scorpio is a sign of great power - for good or ill. No Scorpio, however apparently insignificant, is without influence over those close to him. See that mild little man over there in the grey suit, reading the Wall Street Journal? He may not think about things like witch-hunts and the paradox of violence in the name of Jesus. He may not have read Faust, or Paradise Lost. But he's a Scorpio. He has insight and power, however repressed. And he can make of his life anything he wishes.

It is so beautiful in Colorado right now. All the trees are changing color. The gold of the leaves give the sunlight this surreal golden quality about it, like the air has floating gold pieces in it. I leave tomorrow for work in California. It's going to be hard to leave Colorado when it's so lovely here. California is beautiful of course but right now it's really fall here, something I've never experienced. I'm excited for this adventure though, it will be a good experience for me. I need to have the space to figure some things out right now. The energy in Colorado has been a little intense for me lately. I need a little space from it right now.
My bedroom window looks out over the plain in the direction of Denver. Every time I look out the window I think of him. Missing him every time. No word at all, it's like he disappeared. The thing is I know he misses me too, he doesn't have a heart of stone it's just surrounded by a battleground.

art walk

Last night I went to the monthly art walk in Denver with my brother. It was such a fun experience. There were so many people out and about. Some of the art I saw was really impressive. It was just good to be out and about, the fall air was lovely.

the end

p.s. I put in a good word for you to JJ. His response was interesting and sad. He told me that he "has enough trouble connecting with and being nice to his best friends - johnny, me, loui, robert, etc. that he can't imagine being able to let his guard down enough to connect on the level that you want to connect on." I believe this characteristic comes from a life of strife, alcoholism, fighting, playing girls, etc. He simply can't open up to connect to anyone, let alone his own emotions. He may never know love beyond what you were able to show him out in the desert. Please don't cry over him - be greatful that you have the capability to love and connect with other humans.

*Oh my god this breaks my heart*

Yesterday was a GORGEOUS day in Boulder. Crystal clear and not hot but not cold either. I spent the day shopping with Blair and Leah. Then Blair and I went for a walk along Boulder Creek just talking and looking at the changing leaves. it was so nice and beautiful. It made m heart feel good. My friends are amazing, I am so thankful for their presence in my life and how they have been helping through this challenging time. it would have been so much harder without their love. I'm going to miss my Boulder friends while I'm gone. It's a trade off though, California friends for Colorado ones. It's nice to have love everywhere though, a huge community of friends or more accurately family.

Snow

Last night was blistering wind with rain. I awoke this morning to a beautiful, clear, chilly day with snow dusting the tops of the mountains. The seasons changed so fast. It was summer when I left for Burning Man and fall when I returned. It will be getting cold in California by the time I get out there I'm sure. It'll be good to feel the chill in the air, somehow it makes it better this dull ache in my heart.
I went to a party at the planetarium last night, it was not that great of an event, everyone was just sitting around listening, there was hardly any dancing at all. Part of me didn't want to be there, I wanted to be sitting at home cradling my sad heart but part of me knew I needed to be out in the world, secluding myself away wasn't going to accomplish anything at all. I know JJ isn't sitting at home feeling sad. Of course this makes me wonder how much I really meant to him? Was everything he told me at Burning Man lies? I don't know if I'll ever know. It seems like the snow will cover it all in quiet with everything fading away.
My heart rules so much of me, it is a blessing and a curse to love the way I do. I wish it could be different but I don't know any other way.

Fall/Winter

It seems like the events of yesterday sealed the deal for my fall/winter months. I wanted to stay in Colorado because I wanted to be in love but love doesn't want me right now so it's time to be on the move.
I cannot sit still right now, even though I am home I've been going out, hiking, visiting friends, mountain biking, moving constantly.
My friend Mike reminded me when I met him a couple of months ago about carpe diem. It's something that I hadn't thought about in years. When I moved to Colorado from San Francisco this idea of having complete freedom was appealing to me but I didn't know how to put it in action. In the last 4 weeks I've been from Boulder to Burning Man, Burning Man to Reno then North Lake Tahoe then to SF then back to Boulder then from Boulder to SF to Symbiosis back to SF and back to Boulder.
I'll be here for 2 more weeks then I'm going back to work in northern california until December 1st then back to Boulder and then to NYC to visit friends. After that who knows and the best part is I don't care. I want to live my life in a very organic way, whatever comes my way I'll jump on it. I want to live like that forever, never living a "conventional" life again.
We have big plans for our camp at Burning Man, my friend Josh rented a warehouse in South Lake Tahoe to start building our village. It might be nice to go there and work for a while, snowboard some, maybe work at a resort.
The world is open to me and for this I am eternally greatful

the one of the right, the bane of existance right now but I still love him. I'm either the stupidest woman on earth or the strongest woman I know. My dreams still trick me into a surreal reality of him still being in my life. Maybe my time with him was a dream, I'll never be sure. Either way I wake up and he's not around anymore. My friend told me that I cannot save him, that the real world has too much of a hold on him even for me to break through. He might be alone forever, that thought makes me very sad.

breaking down

Burning Man was a dream for me, it was so much thrown into one but one of the main reasons it was so epic for me was JJ. We were in separable the entire week to the point that his brothers just told us to get married and get it over with. We had intense conversations about our relationship, we admitted to each other that we were falling for each other. One night we went out separately and the next day he looked at me and told me that he wanted to be with me last night instead of his friends. He told me that I was his girl not just on the playa but back home in Colorado as well.
we got back and it all seemed to fall apart. The real world kicked our asses. The thought of letting someone in, of actually having someone love him scares the shit out of him. He's hasn't been in love in years, has been alone for so long that it's easier to remain so. his friends told me that they hope I would be the one to break the wall, to save his soul. To love him and teach him to love back. I wanted to be that person too, I was already falling for him deeply. At first it seemed like it would be good but then I think fear got the best of him. It seems he would rather let something go that could be amazing, let go of what could be love because he is too scared to face that part of himself.
he met another woman a couple of nights ago, he didn't admit to it until a grabbed his cell phone, he had texted her "I can't wait to see you again" and her something to the effect of wanting him all night long. He couldn't deny it any longer. I was so angry because it was SO good between us then it went SO bad and he wouldn't talk to me about anything. he is incapable of talking about his inner emotions at all. So here I am nursing a broken piece in my heart knowing that there's nothing I can do but let it go. If he wants to be with me, to grow up and take a leap I want to but I can chase after a ghost anymore. I think I actually felt my heart breaking when I read those texts, and they were on Sept. 26th only a couple of days ago. It's been weeks since he's texted me with can't wait to see you again and it seems like I might not ever talk to him again. My friend told me that at least we'll have Burning Man, it seems like he's right, we'll at least have Burning Man.

degression

text message hell

me: are we still friends?

JJ: Yes

me: What is going on?

JJ: at a bar

me: Why have you not called me back?

JJ: can we talk tomorrow my phone is dying

me: you ignore me for 2 days then not want to talk? take a minute please

silence, call and his phone is off.

My friend Michael told me that my process of communication is much more evolved than his. It seems to be much more evolved than most men I meet in Colorado.
So it's Monday, we'll see if he calls or not. I'm not sure why I care I just do.

communication

This has been an issues for me lately. First with Mikey and now with JJ. It baffles me how people cannot speak their truth? It's obvious when something is wrong but they don't say anything, nothing at all, run away it seems. I've never had a problem like this with my friends before. You spend time with someone and form a bond and then nothing, no communication for no reason at all. I'm left texting or leaving messages to a black hole. It makes me angry actually, I want the friends that I have to have the balls to tell me whats up. I don' deal well with cowards. With me you always know what you are getting, I will never lie to you or not tell you what I feel. Something happened between JJ and I, I have no idea what it was but what ever happened resulted in him not returning any of my texts or my messages. I just wish he would talk to me, what ever it is we could work it out, we are friends right??? hmmm I guess I'm not so sure anymore about that one. I've come to a point where I need to let it go, it makes me sad because I hate not knowing whats going on and I am going to miss his friendship. The older I get the more I treasure those around me. I don't make friends on a whim anymore, I chose to have people around me that bring something to me and I to them. I really value the people in my life and when I lose one it breaks me. Maybe it's a scorpio thing I'm not sure, holding on too tight has always been an issues but since I've moved I've really been able to work on it. I guess it comes down to the fact that I live from my heart and everything I feel I feel deeply which is a blessing and a curse all at the same time.

I'm feeling better than I did a couple of days ago. Some sadness fills me at the moment. I feel my friendship with JJ deteriorating, which makes me sad. I really liked having him in my life but maybe it's time to get go of that. I've been learning a lot especially since Burning Man about living life organically, not being attached to an outcome. Things change constantly, life, people, situations, it all moves and shifts I cannot expect something to last forever.
I'm leaving on Wednesday for California and the Symbiosis festival. I'll be staying at Mikes before and after the festival. I'm excited to see him and all of my friends again. It's been a real treat to be in SF so much. I like living a nomadic life, it seems to suit me. I need to find away to live like this for a while, make money this way. I'm hoping to get this job working for a booking agent doing festival production. I need to work on my resume, I'm getting lazy about it . . .

Sitting in the Laughing Goat on pearl St in downtown Boulder, watching sunlight bounce off everyone faces, my lap top open and head phones on it seems as if I never left. I never went and had a crazy adventure in the desert or road tripped it to the city by the bay. I never left Boulder except of that feeling inside, the one that was instilled in my at Burning Man, the feeling of evolution in my heart. I can return to Boulder and everyone is still here, everything is still the same but I'm not and I never will be again. I've seen the other side and for the first time in years I really lived at Burning Man, took it all in. I've changed for the better, my eyes are more open, my heart bursting. And then there are growing pains of course, too much to take in when I didn't make enough room. It makes me laugh with joy one minute and sink into tears the next. but who ever said evolution would be easy?

cranky

I spent the last 2 days in Denver at J.J's apartment. Yesterday is was cold and cloudy so being inside for most of the day was ok. I ended up feeling caged and wanted to go out but J.J wanted to stay in. We ended up bickering about it and resulted in not the feelings that I wanted to have for the evening. I am still feeling funky about coming home from Burning Man. I admittedly took a lot of this out on J.J the last couple of days which I am not proud of and I hope that no long lasting damage has been done. I've been missing SF, missing my friends there, missing Mike. It was so good to re-connect with him from such a pure place. I really value his presence in my life and I miss him a lot. I'm feeling better though today than I did a couple of days ago but it's still there floating around in my head, this sadness that really has no reason, no end or beginning. I just have to be patient and move through it all and hopefully it will have an end soon.

Aftermath

I've been having re-entry issues from traveling and Burning Man. My heart is split in two, half to be happy to be back in Colorado and the other half wanting to keep wandering, being nomadic not wanting to settle down but see new things all the time and meet new people. my family is pressuring me to find a steady job but all I want to do it fly. My dad keeps reminding me that I am approaching 30 and still floating, it doesn't bother me that much I know that my life will unfold how it's supposed to. It's hard to convince the other generation that it will be ok, that you don't want what they want. In fact most of what they want is an illusion anyways. My head is heavy, maybe a nap will be best. Actually I just want to snuggle with someone I love right now.

Home and Back Again

Burning Man, the whole experience took my breath away. I laugh, cried, hugged, kissed, evolved, died and was reborn again. And the whole time I was there I didn't take a single picture. Maybe it's better that way, it makes it seem more like a dream than reality.I saw so many people without looking and then didn't find half of the people I wanted to. The art blew my mind and every minute I was completely grateful for. Mike and I were able to reconnect and really have fun together. It was funny when we were looking for each other we always found each other. We left the playa together and went to Reno then Tahoe and I found myself in San Francisco. It was an epic journey, I love to travel and move around. Mike was perfect to do that with, we get along so well. SF was a flurry of activity, I wish I had more time there. I got a massage from Logan, had lunch with Natalie, went to dinner with Mike at my favorite thai place, went to philz, looked over the city from twin peaks. It was good to be there and it was good to come home. Home is where the heart is always and I feel like my home can be wherever and it will be perfect no matter what.

Rain

Last night I was in a flurry of negative moods. I leave tomorrow for the playa, there is still so much to buy, so much to do and I'm running out of money, waiting for my check by the mailbox. It made me frustrated to wait until the last minute to finish then do a 1000 mile drive. I have been trying to connect with a friend to see where he's at, wanting to spend time with him out there. My text and emails have fallen into a black hole it seems. No response at all which seems a little strange because I'm not asking for anything but a yes or no. It made me a little unsettled about the situation. Why can't people just communicate? It isn't hard to connect with others, to speak your truth. I never seem to have a problem with it but everyone else (men) I run into seems to be blocked by some invisible wall that prevents them from having intimate human interactions. I am at the point where I think I'm going to just let it go, which makes me sad because we had a nice connection in the beginning and it could have been an amazing friendship or relationship. I went to bed in a grumpy mood, irriated and a little sad. I awoke about 3am to the most intense rainstorm I've heard in years. It pounded the house with lightening and thunder only minutes apart from each other. I feel back asleep and woke up in the morning to a fresh landscape and cool air, it's the first time I've worn pants since I got to Colorado. It was nice to smell the air and see the clouds hanging over the mountains. it made me smile and laugh, all the negative energy melted away and life just seemed simple again.

I leave on Saturday for Burning Man
I am looking forward to going home

life has passed in a blur the last 4 days or so, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I leave for Burning Man in 2 weeks, I cannot wait to go home

bassnecta

last night was out of control, completely ridiculous, and insanely fun. I loved dancing on stage to Lorin here in Colorado. It was the same feeling but different, it wasn't the same crowd that I am used to and it was a nice change. While I was dancing one of my tigers eye hoops flew out of my ear and shattered, I was completly devestated but then today during our hung over stupor Onyi and I went to Twisted Sol and right there in the case was the same earrings that I had just broke in my gauge for half the price of what I bought the previous pair. It was meant to be I guess. it was a happy ending to an epic 24 hours. Now I need sleep, lots of sleep.

beauty

is everywhere here in Colorado, I don't even need to go further than my front door

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is my life. It all seemed to work out so well. Moving, meeting people, finding jobs. I feel blessed in so many ways. I can honestly say that I love my life.
I leave for the desert in a couple of weeks
it will be good to go home . . .

it will . . .

be mine

reckless abandon

I saw a movie called Candy a while ago, it was a very depressing film about heroin addiction. Geoffrey Rush has a line in the movie where he is caressing this girls cheek and asks her is she's is ready for a life of reckless abandon.
Those words stuck with me
I realize that I have lived a huge majority of my life within those words. When I was younger it would take me a split second to throw my life away and follow something or someone that I didn't think out before hand.
My marriage was like that, I gave up everything for Jon when I was only 21. I didn't think about it, I just did it. There can be something to said with living by carpe diem but on the other side there is living recklessly without thinking of the future or thinking about how your decisions would affect other people. Moving ahead with life and then when it doesn't work out devastated by the results, when you gave up so much, banked on everything you had only to have it come crashing down around you. I realized that I expected others to think like I did when that generally is not always the case.
The older I got the more I shifted the other direction, living with more caution and the intense need for security. A complete 180 from where I was 5 years ago.
Now I know I am happy with neither, I am at a place where balance is essential to me. The need for freedom with the need to make wise choices for myself.
There will always be a part of me that live with reckless abandon, I cannot imagine myself any other way but now it's a little more grown up, my eyes look toward the future along with the present moment and take others into consideration. Living in harmony inside myself and outside with the external world.
I was at a place last night where I wished people would just throw everything away for that one moment, to create a memory that would last forever. I felt that old feeling in my heart last night, that old longing. It sat with me all through the night until this morning. I needed to ask myself the questions that I have never asked myself before. Would I give up everything for a moment when I had some much at stake in other areas of my life?? I'm not sure that I would. I gave up things that I loved in SF for a better life out here. It was the best decisions I ever made but it was a sacrifice nonetheless. I still hear the sounds of the city sometimes, miss my favorite restaurants, miss the laughter of the friends I left behind. It was a decision made not by reckless abandon but with an intense desire to love myself and have a better life.
I guess reckless abandon is more about fear of loss than actually love of life.

evolution

I got some sad new yesterday evening. I knew when it began that my time would be limited, I thought at least I would have a couple of weeks but now it looks like the only time I'll have is at Burning Man and then after that who knows. It's a simple factor of evolution that I would be presented with this circumstance. What do I get out of it? What can I learn? Will I be able to let go enough to let infinite possibilities in? I come across this often during my constant search to evolve within myself. The need to hold on to be safe when in turn we are never really safe and holding onto something does the exact opposite, it ends up falling apart in our hands, like holding onto sand. So the universe has presented me with this challenge of honoring what I have in this time and nothing more and nothing less. He represents complete freedom to me since that what he seeks within himself. carpe diem is how he lives his life. I used to be like that then I fell into darkness in SF with not too much hope of getting out. Now I am here in this beautiful place with life working out for me in every way and I meet him and I am more intrigued than I have been for years. So now I need to look inward to find the places in me that he mirrors so well. I hope we'll be connected, it seems like our lives are meant to not run parallel for a while and that is ok. The future is unknown and I can find the bliss in that for sure.
p.s I borrowed the pic above from his profile, if a picture is worth a thousand words this one is worth ten thousand

Restless

I have been feeling restless the last couple of days, I cannot sit still. I keep hiking, exploring the mountains and while it feels good to be out in nature I cannot put my finger on what is driving me to seek something I don't know what it is. I know that I don't like one of my jobs and I am craving to leave it, I just need to make some more money before burning man. That seems to be part of it though not all of it. I'm feeling like I need to be moving constantly, last night I couldn't sleep at all. Thinking too much?? Burning Man has taken up a lot of my thought process lately with the glacier project coming together and the great unknown about how the playa will be for me this year. Lots of twists and turns on the horizon. I think I'm craving touch, his touch, that was a nice dream that I had and I'd like to have it again.

AHHHHHH

I need to concentrate
I'm getting distracted
I cannot afford
to get lost
this time

Miss Van

this lady rocks, hard . . .

the change . . .

I was sitting at the laughing goat with a friend today having coffee and she mentioned something that I've been thinking about as well, it's amazing how quickly the things that matter to us slip away to be replaced by more unimportant things. We make choice in our lives, move to new places, try and get out lives together. But within all this internal shifting we forget about the external world. Blaire was telling me how sad she was yesterday when she was thinking of her life purpose and how she wasn't doing anything to change the world. Granted change always start from within but there is always something we can do to make the world around us a better place. It got me thinking about my life, my journey. I gave up everything that was home to me in San Francisco for what?? I hadn't thought about it in a while. It was time for me to go, at least for now. it was as if the universe was pushing me out telling me I had things to do with my life that staying in the city was not for me right now. So now I'm here in Boulder, Colorado for what?? What's next? I'm surrounded by breathtaking beauty but I have not thought once about putting some energy towards preserving what I have come to hold dear. I'm not talking about strapping myself to a tree I'm talking about social change with compassion. Ghandi wanted us to be the change we saw in the world so I should be the change. Get involved, use my knowledge to help others. I want those mountains to be there and be perfect especially when showboarding season comes :)
I just get so caught up in what I am doing withing that I don't ever look outside, I need to start. I have the most amazing opportunity to change my life, to make it what I want to be instead of struggling .
What will my choices be now??
It's funny how the world works, on a personal level I've come across a situation that I've been in before but now I have the power to change it and make it work for me instead of against me. It's challenging though to change the course of water when it likes to flow just so. There's an easier path to the ocean. it's funny though the feeling of wanting to hold on when you need to let go, it almost over takes you sometimes. life is just easier though when I release the grip.

saving watts???

http://www.blackle.com/

Blackle was created by Heap Media to remind us all of the need to take small steps in our everyday lives to save energy.
Blackle saves energy because the screen is predominantly black. "Image displayed is primarily a function of the user's color settings and desktop graphics, as well as the color and size of open application windows; a given monitor requires more power to display a white (or light) screen than a black (or dark) screen." Roberson et al, 2002
In January 2007 a blog post titled Black Google Would Save 750 Megawatt-hours a Year proposed the theory that a black version of the Google search engine would save a fair bit of energy due to the popularity of the search engine. Since then there has been skepticism about the significance of the energy savings that can be achieved and the cost in terms of readability of black web pages.
We believe that there is value in the concept because even if the energy savings are small, they all add up. Secondly we feel that seeing Blackle every time we load our web browser reminds us that we need to keep taking small steps to save energy.

Boulder Full Moon

Friday night turned into an epic affair. I got off work around 8 and went to dinner with the ladies. It was supposed to be a chill evening, dinner then we went for a drink at 7 after dinner. One drink turned to many, it was such a fun evening. I have been blessed to meet some beautiful people here. Friday night was a gathering of friends new ones and not so new ones. An encounter that I had friday made me realize that I need to re evaluate my connections and expectations of people. It's something that I've been working on for a while but there are always reminders that shake you back to the present moment, the present situation. Life wouldn't be life if learning wasn't involved. The full moon seemed to put fire into everyone on friday night, before I knew it we had closed the bars down and were laughing in the streets. it was one of those nights I went to bed at 8am woke up at 10am then went to brunch (after calling in sick to work) to a restaurant I've never been to but saw everyone I knew. After brunch I parted ways with the friend I was with and drove up to the mountains. it was so beautiful with snowy peaks and dramatic clouds. the kind of beautiful that makes your heart burst with joy. it was a so perfect 2 days.

heaven

those tender words that we said

to one another

stored in the secret heart of heaven.

one day, like the rain,

the will fall and spread

and their mystery

will grow green all over

the world

~Rumi

sickness

I spent the last 3 days bedridden, sick, floating in and out of delirium. dreaming dreams while I was awake and flying while I was asleep. I remember talking to mike not sure, remember my mom taking care of me but other than that it was all a floating world through time and space. the realizations that I had were invaluable experiences. my truth is to live that life of a warrior and I know now that is my life calling what I do with that is another story but I must live in love, pure love not because I have to because it is the gift that was bestowed on me by being a creature of light. The ability to love is a gift that we all have though we seldom use it. Love can overcome and weapon that this world can produce but love in itself is used to rarely sometimes, I have been lost in fear for so long it's easy to get lost in fact it's almost human nature to get lost. I gave up everything I had known to love myself. choice creates power within ourselves, we always have choices, and thats where people get stuck, they make choice out of fear or safety not out of empowerment. so we get stuck in the same cycle, the same choice put before us to test us, to make up choose differently to take our power back but most of us just keep making the same choice over and over again and we stay stuck in samsara. I'm not pretending to say that 3 days sick has made me enlightened, I'm saying that I opened my eyes just a little bit more to see my true nature. my true nature is something I never expected.

feeling the medicine

going home

the desert been calling me home, there are many dreams and uncertianty that await me this year. through it all though I can feel love through me and while fear grips part of me I do not feel that it will overcome me this time. he'll be there, I'll be able to hug loves in person instead of dreams and laugh and experience joy with some of the dearest friends I've ever known. and I'll be home.

The modern English word "weird" is derived from the Old English term wyrd, meaning "destiny." By the late Middle Ages, wyrd had evolved into a concept similar to the Eastern notion of karma. It implied that the momentum of past events plays a strong role in shaping the future, but that human willpower can nevertheless also have a hand in creating upcoming events. In some uses, wyrd could even mean "the power to control destiny," as exemplified by the three Weird Sisters of Shakespeare's MacBeth. I bring this up, Scorpio, because your Wyrd Factor is pretty high these days. While the consequences of your past are certainly impinging on your present to some degree, you've rarely had a greater ability to override them through the force of your intentions.

when does falling turn into flying?

I felt a certain stillness
circle around my heart
his shadow sits
folding it's wings
around my fear
I long to see truth
to see reason
to heal
I'm akin to a shattered mirror
you are my heaven
and you are my hell

Owls live near me

I heard the babies sing tonight for their mama

Owl Medicine

Owl sees and knows the truth. It's ability to navigate through the darkest night and bring back nourishment for itself and others is the foundation of this essence. When you have lost your way, owl essence will guide you back to your proper path and wisdom.

Yet even so, the Owl provides a vital function in keeping bird, rodent and insect populations in check; too many of any species is detrimental to the balance of all. So it is with other things in our own lives, for if we have too many possessions, too many projects, too much of anything, it limits and restricts our ability to move freely through the different areas of our lives and the resu lt is stagnation which leads to the death of joy, happiness and abundance. Owl medicine then becomes crucial in helping us to clear out that which is no longer needed or wanted. What may seem like a death to us in the giving up of something may be for another the birth and manifestation of a dream. We are most likely to lose our way when we become enmeshed in the "shoulds" and "must haves" in life, most of which come not from our inner selves but from the opinions and beliefs of those around us. We can spend so much time listening to others about what we should want ( and the commercials on the telly and radio are prime examples of this!) that we ignore what we really want. We find ourselves spiraling downwards into the darkness because we have become so busy thinking we must pursue this or hunt that, most of which provides very little, if any, real nourishment.

Owl medicine can help a person to extract secrets, to see that which is hidden in the darkness and is very powerful for soul retreivals for this reason. Many shamans, psychic healers and mediums have owl medicine either as a primary totem or can call upon one as needed. They can see clear through to the core reason for any type of imbalance and then they can spot the proper medicine needed to heal the imbalance.

Amazement

I found another artist that takes my breath away

*audrey kawasaki*

Quietness

Inside this new love, die.

Your way begins on the other side.

Become the sky

Take and axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

You're covered with a thick cloud.

Slide out the side. Die,

and be quiet. Quietness is the surets sign

that you've died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon

comes out now.

~Rumi

I like that I live in a state where you can get a license plate that says respect life on it

Compassion

For my heart

The Journey

I've been thinking about writing a huge thing about my road trip with Mike out here complete with pictures and everything, the whole 9 yards. The more I think about that though the more I want to keep it to myself, something to treasure between one of the great loves of my life and I. I will say that it was so amazing to have him journey with me out here and I will be forever grateful for his love and friendship. I know from a deep place within me, deeper than flesh and blood goes, down to the soul that Mike and I will always have a special connection to each others hearts. we will be those friends that grow old together. Through all the challenges that I've had with him it has been and will be all worth it.
Here's to you babe . . . . .xoxo

Whew , I was worried

holding on

I feel like I am trying to hold on too tight to sand

it just slips through my fingers

and leaves me alone anyway

Colorado

My first couple of weeks in Colorado almost seem like a dream. It has gone by so fast yet barely moved. It's been a blur of people younger than me and a lot of jam bands and reggae. I can't help feeling old here even though I'm only 28. Everyone is in college or just out. There are different dreams and ideals. I see myself a little more tired and jaded than the people around me but maybe that is a good thing, makes me see that I don't need to feel that way. A healer that I know told me that she she's me being here for a long time. At first I balked at the suggestion, Colorado was only a stopping point nothing more but the more I think about it I cannot limit myself in any way to any experience. Staying here doesn't seem to fit but neither does going back to San Francisco. Maybe I need to meet more people my age, get involved in something that moves my soul. There are good people here and they don't seem to put up a front like people in SF. The pain that I left behind is still there circling my heart but I don't face it everyday like I used to. I have the advantage of working on it without being consumed by it. I need to give my life a chance to show me what my path is, not to fight it anymore, not to control it. I need to let go, to learn how to fly.

Outrage!!!!!!

Apart from Sonic Bloom I had not officially had a night out in Boulder. This past Saturday was to be my first night out with my new girlfriends, we were going to see Matthew play at the Fox, then head to Trilogy and then off to the Family party with my girl Ana Sia playing.
It all went well for a while, I can say that the people in Colorado are some of the nicest, most amazing people that I've had the pleasure knowing.
We get to the late night party and everyone is having a great time, nice beats and a beautiful night.
Very late night around 4;30ish 5 there was talk of a guy that had taken too much lsd and split his head open. My friend went to the scene first and I followed. I've seen this before and I had hoped to help.
It was pretty bad, in fact I had never seen anyone this messed up before. The poor guy was being held on the ground by all of us because he was thrashing and screaming so bad. We were all attempting to talking him down which might have eventually happened but the gash on his head was so bad, bad to wear you could see white, not flesh.
someone made the decision to call the paramedics because his head needed treatment immediately and the thrashing on the ground was not making it better only worse.
So instead of the medical help we need we get the Boulder police. They come onto the scene acting like they own it unaware of actually what is going on. The presence of family was beginning to calm him down a little bit and it was important that we stay there but the police told us to get away, some of us resisted but in the end we moved away like we were told. Immediately after we let go and moved away he started screaming and thrashing around, his safety net was gone and he felt scared and alone. Thinking back now I can't even imagine the dark space he must of been in,it had to be so frightening. when he started thrashing around again the police jumped on him, there was no kindness towards his situation, they kept yelling at him to calm down but the thing is he was so far away right now. More police showed up and then finally the paramedics. The paramedics were kept back because he was thrashing so much and all of us family were kicked out of the room. There were huge windows into the room which we all moved to to see what was going on.
what we saw next I have never seen in my entire life of throwing and attending parties. The poor soul was having major problems and instead of holding him down (there were 5 police int eh room by now) to have the paramedics give him a sedative they began to taze him with a tazer!!!!! He was screaming in pain and also controlled by the drug and it made him go even crazier. Let me remind you he had a HEAD WOUND, a large one and by now there was blood all over the floor and the walls. There was Boulders finest not even protecting at all just hurting a poor person who was already in so much pain who was no threat to anyone but himself. People were screaming and crying at the fact that we were witnessing such brutallity on someone who only needed help. as of my count the tazed him 12 times!!!!!! 12 TIMES people!! what kind of world do we live in where things like this happen? They finally let the paramedics come in and they got him on the stretcher to take him to the hospital. The police didn't even take the taze wires out of him! Afterward the police were all outside laughing and commenting on how many times they tazed him.
What the Fuck!!!!!! I've never in my life seen anything like this, what happened to protecting and serving? Now it's brutality and pain.
I am apalled that this even happened in front of our eyes. It makes me disgusted with the world I live in and also give me the fire to make this a better place. If you know of anything that can be done to make this situation right please let me know. we must work together as a community and a family to have change happen in this world
The picture was taken as they were tazing him, we were all out of the room by then but looking through the windows.