To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
Bess Myerson


For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been.
John Greenleaf Whittier

There was a apart of me that died when it ended. After all the time that has passed that part has never healed, never even begun to heal. Emotions that I should feel I don't, they just slip by. I am unable to cry, only he can make me cry still. I don't think I will ever work right again. I know he didn't mean it and if he really knew how much he broke me it might break him. I told him once and he told me not to say that, not to admit it's truth. Everyday I move on, step by step. This has made me stronger but there is consequences for that strength.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Quiet

it's snowing again. The world seems so quiet when it happens, like everything is wrapped in whiskers. I am haunted here as well among the white landscape. Somethings that I thought I had let go surface again to create storms in my mind. I'm not sure how to move forward and I know that I cannot go back. I wish I could let go and cut the ties that bind. All I want is to be happy in this life and for so long all I've had to deal with is sadness. The cold makes me want to be held but there is no one to do so. The one that I want is not mine to want anymore. The times are changing and I'm struggling to keep up. I don't know if I can.

dreams of the past

I made this move to be with me and delve deeper into myself. It is not about going back, even if I wanted to I cannot. What my mind holds onto are nothing more than dreams from another time. I learned what I needed to learn and now I need to move on.

I am beginning to realize how unwise it is to go back but I'm not sure how to stop

This seems to be the year for change, constant change. Everything keeps moving on me. Oh well at least it's keeping me on my toes

I'm 31 Today

Not sure how I feel about it. Kind of wanting to fly somewhere and be alone

miss you B

BM09

I laughed and cried
then fell in love
and then let it go
more to come

sometimes when you fall you learn how to fly

I've let go
embracing complete freedom

my ex and I have become friends, go figure

So much to say, so much has happened. I've gone and come back a million times over. Being on the move settle my heart a bit. Traveling around and having new experiences constantly. It's what makes me tick in the end. I need to move or my soul become stagnant. Or more importantly I need to move or the past haunts me. I'm not ready to face those ghosts, not yet.

I can't even begin to fathom whats been going on lately, more to come . . .

I love my friends

I've made decisions this week that will impact my life forever. Forever is a funny word, I never thought that anything would last forever because I've been proved that such things do not exist. I thought B and I would last forever and now anything between us must turn to dust.
I've been getting a lesson in letting go
actually it's been more of a fall from grace
I hit the bottom and now I rise again
what will happen now??
So much my heart has to process and let go of. I have no choice but to be strong enough but I know I'm not strong enough to have B in my life, actually it's not about strength it's about my desire to be happy and healthy. I cannot do those things with him around.
It's sad when things have to die to be re-born, I'm amazed that we have survived as a human race with this kind of cycle.

You wrapped me in your arms
I followed you through heaven
through love
then through fire
you let me fall
through death
now I'm alone
you fled
like a child
I should've known
that this is the path I would be on

I got to spend some time with one of my favorite people this afternoon. It proves how time can heal and if people are meant to be in your life they will be.

I've been thinking about the Serenity prayer lately, we were talking about it earlier

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference

It's something that I need to remember, sometimes I get my priorities messed up! With Ry I had to accept that I cant change anything but also accept that I had something really special in a friend.
That's priceless

I'm leaving to go on tour this week with Bassnectar and Random Rab!

excited about new adventures

life is aligned

I went for a walk in the rain to clear my head. It was nice pounding the pavement listening to beats that only I can hear. Moving through that energy that wants to hold me down. I will not give in and I am strong enough. But for you and I, worst fears may prevail, we are too far gone.

Tonight

I have to see (,)
not sure how I ever feel about it
one thing is certain, I miss my friend

A year ago

A year ago the temple crew moved into the American Steel warehouse in Oakland to turn Shrine's vision into a reality for all to enjoy at Burning Man last year. In a couple weeks the temple crew will reunite one last time to re-build the temple's little cousin, the tasseograph, at it's final resting place in Marin. When the task is completed there will be a night of telling stories around a fire, drinking libations, and seeing each other as a group for the last time. My heart swells at the thought of this. The temple changed my life and I will always be grateful for the experience that I had there. I was given the option to tell Brandon myself which I took. I'm not sure if I want him there, he blongs of course but I don't know if I can stomach it. The temple was our baby, we gave so much of ourselves to it. Who knows what will happen in life.

Words cannot describe how deep our bond goes. I made you cry when I told you that I can never be your friend, I'm just worried that I'm not strong enough to be.

New Moon

yes I am a dork
and no I don't care if you think so

Freedom

This Saturday Brandon will be bringing the remainder of my stuff up to me from the rose farm. It will be my last tie to him forever.
I will truly be free from the dream that binds.
I have mixed feelings about it, I will miss him or at least the person that I know him to be somewhere deep down. The boy he is now I barely recognize.
But it is time for me to move on and grow.
I know it's going to be hard to say goodbye. We've been through so much together. It's been hard to ween myself off of wanting his touch, remembering how he smelled. But all this is necessary because it was just one of those things that wasn't meant to be. It's sad though, because when you strip away all the pain he really is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. I wish he knew that . . . .

Communikey

The whole experience that I had this past weekend blew my mind. It inspired me to find more drive and ambition in my work. Being apart of the festival even on such a small level was very gratifying. I want to do more and be more in this niche that I found myself in.

The drive to Boulder was intense. We didn't leave until 4pm from the bay area. Late night adventures through Nevada taking silly pictures in the dark. Dawn found Maria and I awake with Sean and Matt sleeping in the back. The sky was steely gray as we drove through Park City, Utah. We got stuck in Rawlins, Wyoming due to the closure of hwy 80 because of a blizzard. We were all grumpy and tired. Sean saved us by getting a hotel room and we slept for about 3 hours. When we awoke we learned that Hwy 80 had opened to Laramie and from there 287 was still open. We arrived in Boulder at about 10. We changed clothes, got pretty (well maria and I did) and headed to B Side lounge for some beats and good times!

Saturday was little sleep and improving weather, that meaning that it was raining and melting all the snow. Saturday night was an epic line up at the Fox theater. Furture Simple started the evening, following them was Mr. Projectile, his set blew my mind. The rest of the night was amazing, Kilowatt and Thomas Fehlman. I danced and laughed all night long. The after party was going off, more dancing and fun times with new friends and old ones. The music was amazing and my feet couldn't stop moving. We went back to a friends house. I sat on the couch with Maria, Sean, and Matt and brought in the dawn. Sunday turned out to be warm and beautiful. The free event in the park was so fun with people dancing and good music. I almost tried to avoid the after party but ended up there anyway dancing until 4am. It was hot and balmy like a rainforest in there but it just added to the atmosphere.
The boys were talking about leaving at 10am, maria and I smugly thought that this wouldn't happen since we went to bed so late but low and behold at 9am my phone rings and wakes me up. Time to go. The drive back was sunny, a completely different experience on the way out. Snow was a things of the past it seemed. The scenery that was winter white on the way out was now barren and brown. It was a total trip to see it change so fast. The sunset happened over Salt Lake, the colors reflecting on the water was so beautiful. Flying Lotus was the soundtrack for that which seemed to be perfect. Another all night long drive that brought us into the Bay at 7am. Matt was a champion and got us all home safely.
The whole experience was mind blowing and it left me wanting more from myself and my community. It reaffirmed what I've already been feeling in my heart about where my place is in this world and for that I am forever grateful. Plus getting to spend so much time with amazing people: Maria, Sean, and Matt, was totally amazing and I loved every minute of it.
The time is now and I'm so ready

Road Trip

This past weekend I went to the Communikey Festival of Electronic Arts in Boulder, Colorado. I will blog more about it when I'm not so tired but for now I want to say that it was the most epic journey imaginable with amazing people. more to come . . . .


This is Mr. Projectile and I stuck in Rawlins, Wyoming due to a blizzard

(,)

It was like a passing dream
something so good that it almost had to fall apart
I've let it go
maybe it will come back, maybe not
But I will never forget how he felt
it's something I dream about
I'm so glad I got to nuzzle his neck
at least once

I'm finally remembering what it's like to be free

Growth

I've posted this a couple of times but I feel the need to post it again to remind me and everyone that we do have worth

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight
And after a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

I'm awake trying to breathe in and out and in. Moving forward towards a new future and trying to feel good about it in my heart. I awoke thinking about him this morning and had to move it through my mind. I do have worth, and I'm worth more than he valued me for. I need to realize that in my heart. I need stability and growth for me, no one can make me happy but me.

What I need more than anything in this world is to let go

I am eternally grateful for my friends

I sit listening to sad songs and wondering what happened to my life. I ended up in a unique place with unique opportunities but it was at a cost that was heart breaking and still is in many ways. I think of B and how bad it was. How desperately I wanted out but stayed thinking that it would change because for so long I was oh so in love with him. It kept spiraling downward but I stayed and stayed until there was nothing of me left.
Pain followed me out of it and now I sit back in SF with my life before me and I'm the only passenger on this train now. I feel in my heart that is what needs to be for now but there's pieces that keep wanting to grab onto something to steady myself when I just need to grab onto me to steady myself because I am all I need, or so everyone tells me.
I wish that it felt right, I think it's all right but I'm stumbling in the dark sometimes. My friends are there to guide me but in the end it's the choices that I make that shape my life. I want to be happy in life and that is my goal now. I will probably fall along the way but I will make it, I have faith.

I got to hug my friend today, it felt so good
he still needs time and space
I understand, but still
I miss him

I realized on the plane while the snow capped mountains glided past me blow that it was just too far gone

I've come to a point where I think I've died, not in the way of never returning to this plane but I feel as if I've suffered so much loss and have lived through so much turmoil that I've come to a place of rebirth. The last month has been one of the best and one of the worst that I have ever lived through. So much has slipped through my fingers like sand but I'm still here, breathing, living. Proof to my head from my heart that I can endure. Now it's wondering whats next for this little bird??

I'm sitting in this crazy cafe by the beach listening to a mix made for me by and old lover. It's the soundtrack to my afternoon it seems, old lovers and old memories. I'm trying not to live in the past at this moment, it's hard though when you get assailed my memories at every turn. My mind has become so tired trying to keep them out. Today I just gave in and let them waft through. I remember the taste of his mouth, the smell of his neck. Senses that intoxicate my being through and through. I reach out in the dark to find out that he is no longer there but the music stays in my mind for some kind of eternity.
Movement
at every turn
I wait for
your touch
to take me
There were moments that I loved you all and then none. Life continues to pass on by and I grab something to hold on for the ride.
I miss you
always
here's to soundtracks at sunsets

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig

It's time I learned how to fly

There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't miss him. evolution=hurt

Good Woman

I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can’t see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don’t want be a bad woman
And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can’t see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don’t love you no more

Cause I want to be a good woman
And I want for you to be a good man

by Cat Power

Yesterday my heart broke open. It was the end of an era for now. When all of this started over a year ago I ha no idea I'd be where I'm at now. I thought it was going to be different, I dreamed it was going to be different. Brandon I can honestly say that you are one of the greatest loves of my life. Everything we've done and been through will always have a special place in my heart. With out you I would not be. I can only hope that this time of challenge will pave the way to bigger and better things in both of our lives. I only hope to never lose your presence in my life. I will always love you now and forever.

By Swan

Lyrics that touched me


"i held on to you for dear life,
while my dear life passed me by"

I stayed on the couch for hours this morning, crying over the chaos in my life. Nothing seems to fit anymore and I've never felt more lost. I can't believe that in an instant I'm homeless and I hurt someone that I care about. I never meant for it to happen this way but of course I could say that for years and it wouldn't take away what I've done.

There are times when I look at my life and think that I've never done much, never traveled,done nothing that has any worth or merit. I've coasted on the wind, just biding my time til what?? I was sitting with an old friend a while back talking about life. I was telling her about things I've done and seen. I looked over to see her mouth open just staring at me. She then said she wished she lived at least half of what I've lived. It made me think back, over the year. Desert dawns and redwood dreams, big city living, circles of friends, endless road trips, big sky country, love and more love. It didn't seem so bad, I've been through light and dark and I'm still here. Tattooed my own fingers in the rocky mountains, built a temple for people to burn their dreams and fears. The artists I loved and lost, the evolution of my own soul in the process. I'm moving back to San Francisco to start a new chapter. All of this renders me pointless in my own mind?? I think not.

It's hard to tell someone you love that you are leaving, I had to do it. It still haunts me, right now while I'm sitting alone at 4am. No one to talk to, no one to cradle my head while I cry. I've paid the ultimate price for freedom. I could've stayed forever with him in a cloud of doubt, he never would have left me. I had to choose to leave, to break the ties that bind. I regret a little almost every day but I know I made the right choice. What kills me is hurting him. There was a time when he was my sun but that was so long ago I don't remember anymore. I still remember his face when I told him our story was done, the tears that came. The promises to change that I know will never happen. Looking into thos eyes of blue and knowing that he will never call me cutie again. It tore me up and honestly I dont know if I will ever recover. I told someone very dear to me that I was broken, he told me that wasn't true but in a way I am. Part of me will never recover from what I have done to others but now I have no choice but to sit with it and let the current take me.

I think about my life and the story that I've lived, I think I'm going to do that, write the story of my life

Sitting in a city with no name listening to the rain fall on the sidewalks listening to a music mix made for me by someone dear
wondering where I am going and what is my path
not having answers anytime soon
yet the rain still falls, washing away the grime in the corners of my mind
and in the middle of this cloudy day in a city with no name I begin to see the sun

I'm about to cut the tie, it's scares the hell out of me

I think I'm making the right choice moving back up to San Francisco. Something tugs at my heart, doubt maybe?? I've never been a big fan of change but I also welcome it on many levels. Another paradox of me in my life. I've grown to love space, and trees, birds. But when I'm in the city I see all the people I love all the time. It's a trade off really, what do I want more. I guess I ca always go back to Santa Cruz but I think that if I leave it will have to be for a while. The energy around my leaving will have to calm down before I feel like I can even visit there. So here I am in the midst of change again. Last year I made a huge change, and the year before that I made one as well. I want to be grounded so bad but I cannot seem to make it to that place right now. I guess I cannot fight the universe but the one thing I wonder if how much am I following it's plane already? I followed it's heed and left the bay area to a place where I was happy. I left that place and came back to California to a situation where I wasn't happy for pretty much the whole duration and now I'm thinking of moving back to the city that I was "kicked" out of 2 years earlier. What the fuck am I doing and is it right for me?

Cielo

Heaven

It's hard to imagine what heaven is anymore. When I first met Brandon before alcoholism was an issue I thought I was in heaven. But not I feel like I am in some sort of hell. Watching the people you care about destroy themselves an you have to sit back and do nothing because there isn't anything you can do. People have to want to help themselves.

I think sometimes I love too much, too deeply. I envy the people that can turn it off and walk away but I've never been like that. I think it's not in my chemical makeup to do that. It makes me wonder what my path in this world is then to feel the way I do. what is the purpose of the pain in my heart, is it supposed to make me evolve somehow? All I know is I cannot see him do what he's doing anymore. What happened to that man I used to know who wanted to learn to fly a plane, who smiled all the time. We are too far gone, I don't think anything can save us but I hope something can save him because I want him to be happy, I want him to fly.

The chaos is coming, right now I feel like I;m in the eye of the storm. it is raining outside which is ironic. It's going to get so worse before it gets better. People will be hurt and people will be loved and it's not going to be perfect and I will be in the middle trying to live with some kind of grace. I never want to hurt anyone, only love. But matters of the heart are not easily dealt with and the time has come to move on. I dread the consequences of my actions but in the flip I yearn to be free from the prison I have created.