Tonight

I have to see (,)
not sure how I ever feel about it
one thing is certain, I miss my friend

A year ago

A year ago the temple crew moved into the American Steel warehouse in Oakland to turn Shrine's vision into a reality for all to enjoy at Burning Man last year. In a couple weeks the temple crew will reunite one last time to re-build the temple's little cousin, the tasseograph, at it's final resting place in Marin. When the task is completed there will be a night of telling stories around a fire, drinking libations, and seeing each other as a group for the last time. My heart swells at the thought of this. The temple changed my life and I will always be grateful for the experience that I had there. I was given the option to tell Brandon myself which I took. I'm not sure if I want him there, he blongs of course but I don't know if I can stomach it. The temple was our baby, we gave so much of ourselves to it. Who knows what will happen in life.

Words cannot describe how deep our bond goes. I made you cry when I told you that I can never be your friend, I'm just worried that I'm not strong enough to be.

New Moon

yes I am a dork
and no I don't care if you think so

Freedom

This Saturday Brandon will be bringing the remainder of my stuff up to me from the rose farm. It will be my last tie to him forever.
I will truly be free from the dream that binds.
I have mixed feelings about it, I will miss him or at least the person that I know him to be somewhere deep down. The boy he is now I barely recognize.
But it is time for me to move on and grow.
I know it's going to be hard to say goodbye. We've been through so much together. It's been hard to ween myself off of wanting his touch, remembering how he smelled. But all this is necessary because it was just one of those things that wasn't meant to be. It's sad though, because when you strip away all the pain he really is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. I wish he knew that . . . .

Communikey

The whole experience that I had this past weekend blew my mind. It inspired me to find more drive and ambition in my work. Being apart of the festival even on such a small level was very gratifying. I want to do more and be more in this niche that I found myself in.

The drive to Boulder was intense. We didn't leave until 4pm from the bay area. Late night adventures through Nevada taking silly pictures in the dark. Dawn found Maria and I awake with Sean and Matt sleeping in the back. The sky was steely gray as we drove through Park City, Utah. We got stuck in Rawlins, Wyoming due to the closure of hwy 80 because of a blizzard. We were all grumpy and tired. Sean saved us by getting a hotel room and we slept for about 3 hours. When we awoke we learned that Hwy 80 had opened to Laramie and from there 287 was still open. We arrived in Boulder at about 10. We changed clothes, got pretty (well maria and I did) and headed to B Side lounge for some beats and good times!

Saturday was little sleep and improving weather, that meaning that it was raining and melting all the snow. Saturday night was an epic line up at the Fox theater. Furture Simple started the evening, following them was Mr. Projectile, his set blew my mind. The rest of the night was amazing, Kilowatt and Thomas Fehlman. I danced and laughed all night long. The after party was going off, more dancing and fun times with new friends and old ones. The music was amazing and my feet couldn't stop moving. We went back to a friends house. I sat on the couch with Maria, Sean, and Matt and brought in the dawn. Sunday turned out to be warm and beautiful. The free event in the park was so fun with people dancing and good music. I almost tried to avoid the after party but ended up there anyway dancing until 4am. It was hot and balmy like a rainforest in there but it just added to the atmosphere.
The boys were talking about leaving at 10am, maria and I smugly thought that this wouldn't happen since we went to bed so late but low and behold at 9am my phone rings and wakes me up. Time to go. The drive back was sunny, a completely different experience on the way out. Snow was a things of the past it seemed. The scenery that was winter white on the way out was now barren and brown. It was a total trip to see it change so fast. The sunset happened over Salt Lake, the colors reflecting on the water was so beautiful. Flying Lotus was the soundtrack for that which seemed to be perfect. Another all night long drive that brought us into the Bay at 7am. Matt was a champion and got us all home safely.
The whole experience was mind blowing and it left me wanting more from myself and my community. It reaffirmed what I've already been feeling in my heart about where my place is in this world and for that I am forever grateful. Plus getting to spend so much time with amazing people: Maria, Sean, and Matt, was totally amazing and I loved every minute of it.
The time is now and I'm so ready

Road Trip

This past weekend I went to the Communikey Festival of Electronic Arts in Boulder, Colorado. I will blog more about it when I'm not so tired but for now I want to say that it was the most epic journey imaginable with amazing people. more to come . . . .


This is Mr. Projectile and I stuck in Rawlins, Wyoming due to a blizzard

(,)

It was like a passing dream
something so good that it almost had to fall apart
I've let it go
maybe it will come back, maybe not
But I will never forget how he felt
it's something I dream about
I'm so glad I got to nuzzle his neck
at least once

I'm finally remembering what it's like to be free

Growth

I've posted this a couple of times but I feel the need to post it again to remind me and everyone that we do have worth

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight
And after a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

I'm awake trying to breathe in and out and in. Moving forward towards a new future and trying to feel good about it in my heart. I awoke thinking about him this morning and had to move it through my mind. I do have worth, and I'm worth more than he valued me for. I need to realize that in my heart. I need stability and growth for me, no one can make me happy but me.

What I need more than anything in this world is to let go

I am eternally grateful for my friends

I sit listening to sad songs and wondering what happened to my life. I ended up in a unique place with unique opportunities but it was at a cost that was heart breaking and still is in many ways. I think of B and how bad it was. How desperately I wanted out but stayed thinking that it would change because for so long I was oh so in love with him. It kept spiraling downward but I stayed and stayed until there was nothing of me left.
Pain followed me out of it and now I sit back in SF with my life before me and I'm the only passenger on this train now. I feel in my heart that is what needs to be for now but there's pieces that keep wanting to grab onto something to steady myself when I just need to grab onto me to steady myself because I am all I need, or so everyone tells me.
I wish that it felt right, I think it's all right but I'm stumbling in the dark sometimes. My friends are there to guide me but in the end it's the choices that I make that shape my life. I want to be happy in life and that is my goal now. I will probably fall along the way but I will make it, I have faith.

I got to hug my friend today, it felt so good
he still needs time and space
I understand, but still
I miss him