I am Mortal

A friend was telling me how good I looked. Bright, clear. He believes that it's because of my sobriety. I think that does have something to do with it. Since I started my sober journey my mind, heart, and soul has felt clearer and happier.

After my 90 day sobriety I had 4 drinks in a span of a month. I realized that I lost my taste for alcohol and I felt completely ok with that. There was also a nagging fear that if I was out at a social event I would lose the precious balance that I had found within myself. I just didn't feel like I was ready to drink out in public yet.

I knew that my biggest challenge was yet to come . . .

Burning Man

Can I spend 7 weeks at the dirt rave and abstain from alcohol?

I knew that I had to give it a shot. Once I started this whole odyssey I knew that I would never be able to go back to the person I was before.

So it was to be 7 weeks without booze, if I could pull it off I decided to entertain the idea of having a drink with Last Supper, but that's only if I could last pre-build, during the event, and most of post build.

It was time to dive in and see what I was made of. I hit the playa with a mixture of sheer determination and stubbornness.

I spent 6 1/2 weeks without a single drop of alcohol touching my lips. Most of DPW was extremely supportive and encouraging of what I was doing. There were always non alcoholic beverage choices in the fridge for beer o' clock. There were a couple of challenging times but I just removed myself from the situation and went to bed.

It was surprisingly easy

In my mind I thought "I got this!"

Last Supper came around. I had been dealing with some internal challenges already that day so I had started off on the wrong foot for making the right decisions. Some friends that I was sitting with were having wine with dinner. I thought one glass wouldn't hurt. It was Last Supper after all and I was already a little edgy. I figured it would calm me. One glass turned into 4. A brief hiatus at Trego with some lovely people then I was back at the machine yard. My internal situation was already amplified with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and intensified by some going on's at the machine yard. I walked into the courtyard where some friends were sipping on a bottle of Jamesons. I grabbed it and proceeded to pound it. They actually had to pry it out of my hands. By then I was more than tipsy, extremely surly, and looking for trouble. I headed over to the ghetto for the sock hop with a friend. I know that I drank more whiskey there and probably a beer or 2 to top it all off.

Things got fuzzy after that (I did hear later on that I was pretty entertaining). And then I ended up backing out, who knows what kind of jackassery I got into then. I somehow ended up passed out in a friends trailer. I awoke at 4 am, fully clothed, with an aching headache and not knowing where I was for a minute or two. My friend looked at me sleepily, told me where I was, and then told me he understood why I stopped drinking.

The next morning I couldn't get out of bed until noon. Even standing made me queasy. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I couldn't believe how I failed. The internal balance that I spent months creating was thrown out the window. I wanted to leave the playa. I felt like I couldn't face my crew especially since I didn't remember most of the evening.

I went to tell Chaos that I was leaving and he asked why. I told him my reasonings and he asked me to reconsider. He then told me that it would be an actual step forward if I could learn from my mistake and grow from it. I wasn't ready to drink again. I had to fall from grace to know that but at least I knew. Now I needed to make a choice. I decided to stay on the playa and not drink anymore. I haven't had a drink since.

Since I started this back in March I've heard a great deal of things

I've inspired many

shocked a whole lot more

been called a hero

I can't count the times I've heard people say that they could never do it

there is also a dark side too

I've been made to feel awkward

shunned

been given shit and called holier than thou because I didn't want a drink

I don't claim to have the answers, I can't save you

I am a mirror

I'm sorry you don't like what you see

I am mortal

I make mistakes

And this journey is mine and mine alone

All good things must end
I got to drink from you
a thirsty traveler
blessed with a sweet spring well

I never really thought about how it started. I walked away when it ended. No expectations for the future. I can promise nothing to anyone and after all this time I still can't feel that one quadrant of my heart. He reminded of the definition in Hesiod. Instead of a state of confusion it was meant in Greek mythology as the initial state of the universe. The abyss from which life came from. Just by the sheer coincidence of his name each moment with him was a reminder that this is a new life. I must learn to be more fluid like water because change is the only thing I can count on. From him came a friendship that I will always cherish. Someone to hold when others didn't feel safe. I sit and think of roads in this indian summer night. Sweat clinging to every pore, memories fading into dreams. I smile, kiss the wind, and whisper my secrets to ghosts. Sultry dreams of late night rendezvous brings the smell of the dry dust to my nose. I don't posses a single ounce of regret for it was all I wanted and all I needed at once. And if happens to come again sweeping me up into it's illusion of disorder I will drink it deep like it's water from a fountain that pours from the earth. The times made that empty part a bit more bearable and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Dust

The wind started to blow. My range of visibility started to get shorter. When I looked up towards the sky I was able to see blue among the swirls of white but after a while even that started to diminish. The rest of the crew had left to attend the wedding. We were the only ones left. 2 people in a desert during white out with a VR trying to set up a party for everyone to come celebrate before the masses arrived.
We must burn things, it's just what we do.
I question my sanity staying out in this mess. I knew I had to stay though. I couldn't leave my friend out here by himself. Goggles on getting pummeled by dust I held fast not sure really what yo do besides providing some kind of support while he moved janky pieces of art around in the whiteness.
It continued like that for hours it seemed until it finally stared to let up at dark. Cranked the light tower up and turned it on. he looked over at me and smiled I asked what, he said I looked wild in that moment. I checked the mirror on the car. The only clean part of my face was where my goggles had rested. Everything else was covered in dust. My hair windblown and curly. I'd gone feral.
The dust cleared, we burned and danced. I fell asleep fully clothed dust and on with a smile.



Man base strike night
Mega-far-away had burned and it was time to get to work. We drove and hit a white out. It was dark, I had no idea where we were going but the driver did. Through the blinding dust I could make out light. Looking above I could see the head and torso of the man shining through. Getting out of the truck I was assaulted with wind and dust. Goggles on I walked into the ring. Directions were being given out, people running about. So confusing but yet it all made sense. I went up to my boss to hand him the lift key, he looked at me and told me to drive it in. Hands shaking I climbed in the lift. I could see NOTHING in front of me and I had to drive this beast and maneuver it into a small area with no line of sight. I was guided in by my boss with a flash light. So worried but at the same time so excited to that I was give the opportunity to prove myself in some way on such an important job in hard weather conditions. We did the job, done by 3am. Headed back to the yard for some chill out time. I checked the mirror, I had gone feral again, dust, crazy hair, camo pants, boots, safety harness. I laughed out loud because I felt at home.
(pic is from 02)

Playa Thoughts

I left my life in the bay area for the playa Aug 6th
Part of me wants to write a beautiful and eloquent post about my trans formative time out there. That post might happen but right now I think I'm going to keep it simple.
I laughed, sang, stayed sober, drove big machines, was taken out of my comfort zone, worked my ass off, stayed in a trailer for the first time ever, danced, saw the sunrise once, evolved every damn minute, fell from grace once then pulled myself back up, saw double rainbows, felt rain on my face, met new friends and re kindled existing friendships, found peace, felt jealousy, drove a lift for man base strike in a white out, rode an atv, had my hair cut 4 times,burned a spider box, tackled more shade cloth than I care to remember, and at the end of it all tumbled down into chaos and loved every minute of it.
All in all I'd say it was a good year . . .

it's midnight on the 4th of July. I've chosen to stay home. For some reason being alone lately suits me. I've been standing at the cross roads for some time now wondering which way to turn, where I belong. I come up short every time. Sober and clean but as restless and wild as ever. I want to fly but I'm not sure where. I want to feel but I don't know if I can. There doesn't seem to be a niche that I fit into as of late. I go out with the dance family and I don't know what to say. And as of now I'm nervous about the desert and the unknown following it. There is pain deep down that I'm not sure how to let go of coupled with an emptiness that I cannot explain. I don't feel that much anymore. Love doesn't enter my hemisphere, but anger, mis-trust, and isolation do. My life is changing in ways I don't fully understand yet. I'm getting older, it shows in the subtle lines, the gray hair. I've been standing at this cross road for a while now trying to figure out which way is home. But everything I've known has changed or gone. I wonder if I'm scared to put down roots? If I don't settle there is less chance for hurt. Or maybe I have gotten so used to hurt it's become part of who I am and now maybe I'm scared of happiness.
Sigh
No matter what drives me right now I've never felt more alone

is it possible for me to go outside the box? I've pretty much come to terms with what I like and won't like in this life but somethings have crossed my path that have made me question certain aspect of what I thought was my being. Can I step outside my views of what I think is 'my type' and try something completely different? Or will I over think it and sabotage it all together. Patience is something that I am learning, along with letting go plus having faith. I sit, and wait, hopefully it will make sense.

Raindance

A weekend festival that was more like a family reunion than anything else. I must of given millions hugs and then some. I was fighting sickness, I was going to leave Friday night, then Saturday morning, then afternoon, then I finally left Sunday morning. I think it's the first festy ever that I spent a night sitting in a friends car watching a movie, next night curled up with another friend in his trailer falling asleep at 9pm, we slept until 5am. I was sober the whole weekend. It was a surreal experience hitting the dancefloor at 6am Sunday morning with B completely sober. I got high off everyone around me it seems. The weekend reaffirmed that I have the best damn family in the world and that love never dies no matter how much times has passed.

Tibetan Sky Burial

http://mbvtravel.com/burials-in-tibet-not-for-sensitive-souls/

Not for the faint of heart!!

soon to be new belly tattoo

sic itur ad astra "thus you shall go to the stars"

HOT DAMN, that is all . . .

Ishtar and I had a date with the road today. Decided against Spring Training. Sunny skies, redwoods, and beaches sounded so much more enticing than sitting in a city park listening to dubstep. Crusing down Hwy 1 along the ocean, eating some sweet cherries, the juice staining my fingers as I laugh into the wind. I had forgotten how much I miss being on the open road. I've been settled more or less in Oakland for about 3 months. It's the longest I've been in one place in a long time. The road sang to me to day and I sang back. I need to do this more, even if it is for only a day. I saw the ocean, rivers, redwoods, felt the sun on my skin. It was almost as sweet as being kissed by my lover, almost . . .

Fuck You I'm an Anteater!

Early morning to rise, Ishtar had to be taken into the shop which left me to make my way from Broadway and 25th to Fruitvale on foot and BART. A sound track consisting of Random Rab, Of Porcelain, Lunchtray, Slidecamp, to name a few. Time to walk, think, reflect, of life and those around me. Watching people scurry by with their heads down; afraid to look anyone in the eyes much less be caught looking at their own reflection somewhere.
When was the last time you really looked at yourself? All the beauty mixed with whatever imperfections that probably only you can see. How many times have you caught yourself wishing you were different in some way? It can take an entire lifetime for people to realize that we are perfect exactly how we are.
I don't care if you are rough around the edges, if sometimes you say the wrong thing, if you have moments of doubt, if you are not who you want to be yet. What matters to me is that you are living your life for you and only you. I care that you learn and grow from your experiences, that you strive to experience joy in some way. I care about you not giving up to the challenges around you but meeting them head on with grace. One of my favorite quotes goes :
"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars" Garrison Keillor. Display your scars proudly because you lived to tell the tale, you will be someone with stories to share and wisdom to disperse.
All of this reflection reminded me of 'The Invitation' by Oriah. It makes the point that we must not live how society thinks we should live but that we must live how WE think we should live and be happy doing it. It doesn't matter that you aren't perfect, what matters is that you have the integrity and the strength to admit it and embrace it.

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.



This time this life is all we got, live it in the most joy you possibly can because even in the gritty parts of the city beauty prevails.

Sobriety, it's not really a bitch. Who Knew?

It’s been 2 months
2 months since alcohol or anything else for that matter touch my internal body
Suddenly at 1am I feel the need to write about my experience. I’m not sure of the outcome of my actions and honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. You either accept me or don’t. I will continue to be me either way and I am more than ok with that.
2 months ago there was a week period where I drank enough to black out 3 times in that week. Now being blackout drunk is always fascinating (and not in a good way mind you) because you never know what happened until your friends tell you what a dumbass you were and/or you see pictures. I had been drinking/partying/whatever

you call ramped, reckless abandon pretty consistently since I moved back to the bay area this winter. As soon as I arrived to whatever function I was attending it was almost imperative that I get a drink in my hand ASAP. It didn’t bother me too much, my incessant need to booze. I’d been drinking pretty heavily since I left Santa Cruz last year. It was becoming quite a thing for me.
Anyway
Blackout drunk 3 times in one week, and as always the 3rd time was the charm. I won’t go into details because it’s really none of your business but the skinny of the situation was I drank myself into a stupor, had to be poured into a cab, was a raging bitch to people I love, fled into the night with friends trying to track me down, and for the some fucked up reason that I will never figure out during this lifetime decided that it was perfect acceptable for me to drive from the mission district back to the house that I was staying at in Berkeley. I hurt my friends feelings, I could’ve hurt myself and worst of all I could’ve hurt someone else.
At 31 years of age I realized that it was time I held myself accountable for my actions. No one forced me to do anything, it was all me. So now I had apologized and found that my friends still loved me even though I had a severe moment of jackassery. Then I began to ask myself now what??
I had never really tried to stop drinking before. I had never really thought about it. Alcohol is such an inherent part of our culture and scene. It never dawned on me that I had a problem with control. I decided a little experiment was in order. I needed a challenge and at that time of transition and growth maybe I needed a little kick in the pants. I had always been a strong person; it was time to see how strong I could be. 90 days sobriety was the plan. And I didn’t mean for it to be 90 days of me hiding out in my room either. I still wanted to live life, see my friends, dance, and experience joy.
So it began
First couple of weeks was really difficult. I went out a couple of times to dance and found myself grumpy, almost angry that I couldn’t partake in the boozy shenanigans. Sat in the corner drinking my soda, glaring at everyone enjoying their adult beverages. But I didn’t give in even though I wanted to and pushed through. I started running in the mornings, getting up with the sun. Spending a lot of time alone, reflecting. Found the drive to make art again, everyday moments inspired me to see the world as an object of beauty. I applied for an internship at The Crucible, started working for an on playa art project. Certain things seemed to make more sense. I could see that part of the reason why I drank was because I was afraid of being with myself and also being myself with other people around. Alcohol was a social buffer for me. I didn’t have to think or try and interact with people beyond a superficial level. It dulled my senses and in my eye made me seem more fun which was totally false. Why should we rely on a substance to make us more enjoyable to be around? Not drinking provided me with a whole new set of challenges. I went to a party at the Vulcan and I can pretty much guarantee that I was one of the only sober people there. I stayed until 2, walking around with a mug of tea, connecting with people on a totally different level than I was used to. I remembered, no longer were the later parts of my evenings out of focus with missing spaces of time.
It’s nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like ass and as an added bonus actually remember what you did the night before!

My 2nd month has been easier. I take my own beverages to dinner parties. It ‘s easier to be in social situations and not want to drink. My bank account has thanked me a thousand times over. My soul actually feels good; it’s hard to explain it without a) sounding like a damn hippie b) turning something that I feel deeply to mush. It’s just through all this I’ve really become genuinely happy. In my second month I realized what an immense power alcohol had over me. I never want anything or anyone to control me. Through all this I have such a better understanding of who I am and pleasantly surprised about how really strong I really am.
I mean wow, if you knew me well you’d know this is a huge feat for me
So I am starting my 3rd month today and excited for a new round of experiences. I’ wondering what my first drink will be June 18th, wondering if I’d even want to drink at all. Who will I want to be with? Where? The I laugh because it doesn’t really matter. Life will happen how it’s supposed to, organically and perfect. One of the greatest gifts from this experience is that everyone has been so supportive; it makes me want to cry with joy.
A couple things for clarification
No I don’t care if you drink if front of me, I’m not judging you nor do I ever want to tell you how to live your life. Drink up, have fun, just know that I’ll tell ya about it tomorrow!
I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I used alcohol to deal with social anxiety and yes I did have a control issue. You don’t need to be afraid of me and you don’t have to be pissed at me cuz I’m not drinking. If it does make you mad well think of me as a mirror. It’s not me it’s you babe.
I don’t mind talking about it at all, you got a question? By all means ask away, I’m an open book and I’ve got nothing to hide.
I could have done this on my own but the continued support of all of you makes it easier. I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive and loving community around me.
To put it bluntly
I really fucking love you, each and every one of you

fack!

Well I want it or I think I do but in order to have it or a chance of even having it beyond what it is now I need t let it go and just enjoy the moments I have and maybe it will become what I want in the future. Sound confusing? ugh, try being me

LOL

"may the bridges I burn light the way" ~Rugburn

My friend Wasted and her friend Chris came to meet me at work today. They tried on hats, Chris bought us yummy dinner and gourmet cupcakes. It was a good time, I am definitely blessed right now. Something is nagging in the corner of my mind but it hasn't taken any kind of shape and I don't have a clue as to what it is but it's there. hmmmm

Follow your Bliss

My friend Monk was prancing around my room this morning with 'follow your bliss' embroidered on his american apparel undies. That phrases was true on so many levels this morning but I choose to comment on the one pertaining to things outside my living space. I live a blessed life, I'm far from rich in fact I border on poor but I have amazing friends, an inspiring community, and a loving family. No matter how down and out I get things always seem to work out in the end. It may not be how I thought it would but it's always for the best. So in appreciation of my friends undies I want to acknowledge to the universe that I am so appreciative for the life that I've led and continue to lead. for the pics it's Monk with my fabulous pink headband and the other is a flower from the Cacao tree inside the SF Conservatory of Flowers (which is an epic day date spot)

Feeling Blue

the blues hit me today, on a whim I posted on FB that it was so, so many people offered remedies for my malaise. Just knowing that there are people out there that care is more than enough to start to help to pull me out of my funk.

Can't wait

home is calling, it's time to get dusty soon. I've been compiling huge hugs for my desert family :)

I dreamt about that morning, when I awoke with the hangover from another dimension(it was the night after you told me you loved me). you wanted bacon, I put on my boots and purple cotton slip dress to go on the mission with you. You had me pick a tie out that you wore without a shirt and your carharts. The tie matched my dress, it was purple too. You held my hand, wouldn't let go as we went on our morning mission. It was one of those things that moved effortlessly like water. I was yours and you were mine. It shortly shattered after that.I had never seen anything break so quickly and efficiently, a hammer to glass. I pushed you far out of my mind and threw away what was left of my heart. I dream about that morning sometimes only we continued to be happy, I was still smiling, and you weren't a liar and a coward.

Ring of Fire

It was a song that always reminded me of you. A true testament to love, I fell so hard so fast. It was a blur of dreams mixed together as one singular memory. As the time went by the memory faded and I was left with pain and torment. It's hard for me to believe that I ever loved you like I did. I had never felt anything so powerful and after all this time I feel that I might never again. Upon waking you were my last thought and first memory. All I wanted then was to spend forever with you. Johnny Cash's voice fell through the speakers today, singing that song that brings feeling to that empty place that you left in my heart that place that will remain vacant for the years to come. A bitter sweet symphony. You are still living your life in the roses, in our old room, you probably barely remember my existence. In the same way life is beautiful it is also cruel at the same time. You should be out of my mind and heart. Something keeps you there, keeps the space empty. I just continue to move forward.I gave the small piece you left intact to a liar in the desert, the shattering of that dream created more empty space. Ive spent the last many months carefully building the walls around the abyss in my heart so it won't be as vulnerable. My own collapsed ring of fire.

I am trying to remain in grace in this crazy world, life is good and I'm happy

passion dreams

It's been a year it it still tugs at my heart. A dull ache that never seems to heal. I saw him last night. So much time has passed between us and the sight, touch, even smell shouldn't tear me apart but it does. I have begun to come to terms with the fact that I might never work right again. So much pain on both sides. There are times when I think I'm free from it but when I see him it all comes rushing back. The sad thing is is that I'm nothing to him now while the dream of him continues to haunt me always.

MUSE

Burning Man 2010

The rains have blessed the bay area with slippy streets and a massive display of thunder heads that roll across the sky. It's spring, flowers are blowing, people's creativity is blooming, life is getting geared up for sun and a summer of joy. Walking through Berkeley I can't help but get pulled into the dizzying array of scents from flowers. The petals are still untouched by summers rays, the rain releasing the light fragrance held within. It's been a time of change an re birth for many including myself. I am feeling the pull to move upward. It is exciting, yet scary. Choices to be made and only a leap of faith will reveal the true path. until then, I found ground stars . . .

carpet musings at SFO

It’s early morning at SFO
Travelers shuffling by heads down, concentrated on their iphone, laptop, book
Anything to avoid looking at other people, being in the present moment
I gave up trying to smile at people in airports a long time ago, it seems that it doesn’t matter. A small sigh lost in a loud wind.
I wonder where people are going, or where they are coming from
Even for my lack of smile at passersby I search for community among the crowds
Then pondering on what community does mean to me and how it’s affected the roads I’ve taken
I’ve been nomadic constantly since 2007, whether by car or plane I’ve been on the move
Bay Area to Colorado to the Desert to the North to Santa Cruz to Tahoe to the North back to the Bay Area
Spent some time in Santa Cruz, trying and wishing for it to be home but it never really was so. Then the heart was consumed in flames and I continued to move.
Throughout all these wanderings my community continued to evolve and grow, new people, new experiences. I began to crave the change; it was the only thing that really felt like home. I’ve been on many roads in the last couple of years. Extreme heartbreak, joy, laughter, loss, growth. Here I am years later a little battle worn wondering what’s next. I look at the downturned faces around me curious of their stories of love, loss and stars. In the end we are not so different. We all yearn for the things that make the sun shine brighter in our own worlds.
Right now I head to Colorado to see my Mama. Even now the Rockies call my name. One of the best summers of my life was spent there in 07 with beautiful people and mountains that reached towards heaven. Then back to Oakland where I call home for now, the then Desert to partake in shenanigans with the desert family. Then who knows . . . . part of me wants ground but they there’s the part of me that has wings that wants to continue to fly.
Sitting here on the well worn carpet, watching feet combined with suitcase wheels that are following their own dreams I think of all you in my life that I love and adore. The constant in my life has been the people that I’ve grown to call family; I am grateful everyday for you exsitance. Wishing you all blessings wherever your wings take you. This life is meant to be enjoyed and I hope all our chosen paths lead us there.

p.s the man next to me has an impressive amount of ithings . . . .

can't wait to go home

SOOOO

I miss you
I know I shouldn't
you aren't good for me
but there is just something about
that smile of yours
that touch and kiss
that's burned into
my soul
it seems there's no escape from it
still, we will never be
so you exist in my dreams
perfect

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”-Kahlil Gibran

The world is not respectable;
it is mortal,
tormented,
confused,
deluded forever;
but it is shot through with beauty,
with love,
with glints of courage and laughter;
and in these,
the spirit blooms . . .
~George Santayana

Goodbye Breanna you're an angel now

I believe in nothing
Everything is sacred
I believe in everything
Nothing is sacred
~Tom Robbins

I went for a run yesterday, the sky was cloudy and overcast. I still wore my sunglasses. I tried to run without them but felt naked. I realized it was because I didn't want people to look me in the eyes and I didn't want to see them either. Just to exist and run around an urban lake in the middle of a city. Strangers passing each other by pretending we don't exist on this planet. Sad but sometimes necessary to survival. We are all afraid in some form or another. Mostly of ourselves.

I ask the night sky for many things tonight
seeing the moon clearly before the clouds move in
clarity
sense of direction
hope
I want it's soft light to cradle my head and tell me to release my fears
the road is shadowed from me and I do not know where to go
who to believe in
confusion abound

I think I might do it, make the leap. Instead of staying here and working and saving money I'm going to try and head to Oakland get a job and a place. Oh lordy I hope this will bring some light

I'm not sure how to move forward from this position

Raw

Wow, life has been crazy lately. None of the plans that I had are working out like I thought they would. That's true about life though on all levels. I've been thrown a curve ball in so many situations that I had to take a step back and rearrange everything. So now I'm at my Dad's biding my time for the next opportunity to show itself. This position leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable, lying naked in the snow. Having faith I guess in the universe that there is something for me somewhere. I think part of it is that my nomadic days have been suspended somewhat. I feel most comfortable when I'm moving around. I'm not sure what that says for my psyche but it's where I'm at right now. Maybe a part of me is scared to put down roots, I'm just not sure.
I went to the bay last weekend and had a fantastic time with some of my dpw friends. More and More I am feeling like they are family. I got caught up in this strange triangle of sorts. I wanted to be with a man that my friend was hanging out with. After him and I kissed he told me about her so I went directly to her and talked to her about it. She was alright with me seeing him and so the next night I did. I ended up liking him more than I thought. I'm not ready for a relationship, so much of my heart has been broken last year that sometimes I question if I even have one left. So I know I'm not ready but that doesn't stop me from liking him. Kind of an interesting situation and I'm not sure what to do. In the end the only thing I can do is continue on and see what happens.

angels

There's so much of me that feels sad right now. I'm not sure of the origin but it's deep in my heart. I don't care to elaborate at all, just want to state the way of things.

rainy dayz

Today was a constant cover of rain and clouds. Woke up on the earlier side to sloosh through the mud to the main building just in time for coffee and chatting with friends. Spent the day cleaning the Ganesh shrine. Saying a blessing before like the closet hippie I am then removed all the offerings, set them aside and continued to give Ganesh a bath. It was fun working in the rain and just doing someting with my hands. The treat was when we were all done to come inside and warm up bu a fire with some tea. It's the simple things sometimes that are you amazing.

Coming in for a Landing

I've landed just outside of Laytonville among redwoods and streams. A beautiful little oasis called Area 101. A good friend from dpw lives here and maybe if the fates align I might be able to live here as well. I am praying for a place to land for a while, where I can work and live life, be happy and joyful. Maybe this is the place . . .

I do Nothing

Last night I was at Benny's in Sacramento with Vaughn Solo, which is always amusing to me since I used to go to Benny's when I was 23 with Vaughn as well. It's amazing how time flies and how rooted in tradition we are. Every time I'm in Sacramento I end up at Benny's with Vaughn, it's kind of comforting that some things don't change.
Anyway
At the bar this somewhat intoxicated woman was asking me about my tattoos. I told her about them, showed her my new one. She settled herself down on the stool and proceeded to tell me about her life. Divorced, 4 kids, 9-5 job. Pretty typical for this day and age. She mentioned about how she shouldn't be out getting drunk because she has to work in the morning and how she wishes that she could get tattoos like mine but doesn't want her kids to see them. She asked me if I had to work in the morning and I replied no, she then asked me what I did . . .
I actually didn't know how to answer her
I work in the desert 2 months out of the year with the best damn people on the planet, I travel around California picking up work where it comes, I'm a damn good barista but I haven't done that in years, I get to see the people I love on a constant basis all over, I'm far from rich but I make it, I'm a writer and an artist,I get to call Lake Tahoe home for now and then somewhere else soon, I weld and make shit, I hug, I laugh, I live life to the fullest that I possibly can. That through all the ups and downs (there have been many) I have realized I live a blessed life.
I didn't know how that would come off to her, my life was so different from her reality. I dont have children and have no idea what it's like. I'm sure it's wonderful and an adventure all to it's own. But she was looking at me in a way that I can only imagine what she was thinking about someone like me who does what she wants with no ties, nothing to bind me to anything or anyone. No matter how much you love your children I'm told that freedom can be intoxicating.
So I look at her, shrug and say I do nothing . . .

HAHAHAHA

an excerpt from the definition of Burning Man from Wikipedia

The whole thing is really just put on to offer a viable excuse for the Black Rock City Department of Public Works to go out to the frontier of North-Western Nevada for two months a year and act like raving lunatics in one of the harshest environments in the world. The vast tabula rasa of the Black Rock Desert alkali Lake bed is basically trying to wick all of the moisture out of your body and kill you every second you're out on it. Just like the American public education infrastructure! And perhaps just as the majority of the youth of AmeriKKKa rebel against that educational farce, so does the DPW rage, rage against the dying of the light by out jackassing each other with great fervor and Mad Maxiness, blowing shit up, crashing cars, dressing in drag on occasion, getting sharpied for passing out with Boots on, being naked drunk, really, really drunk butt naked, and making art along the way.


I LOVE being DPW, greatest people on earth

I am still amazed a life, amazed, confounded, humbled. The only constant in life is change and lately mine keeps doing that over and over. As the days move on I find myself more and more hoping that my move will take place. I love Tahoe, the mountains and the huge expanse of blue water makes me feel at peace in my heart but this move provides an opportunity that would change my life and open doors that I had not previously thought possible. It's a lesson to not remain fixed on an outcome. Everyday I receive another reminder to be fluid like water running down an ancient hill. I've always wanted to live on a farm, grow food, live a simple life with bouts of adventure here and there. This year is one of growth and I want to embrace it and come out on top at the end. Work, head to the desert I call another home, work the fall and then be able to go somewhere tropical for the cold of winter and see another way of life, one that I have never experienced. We shall see how it all unfolds, I have to admit that I am excited.
picture by Niko who is a dream warrior

Warrior of Light

Choices

Life never ceases to amaze me. You ask the universe for what you want and sometimes it gives you exactly what you need even though it's not in the form that you thought it would be in. I thought my path was clear for this year. Tahoe feels right for me, well being out of the city feels right for me. Things have happened here that I didn't foresee (of course how can you foresee anything really), car breaking down, spending more of my savings than I thought I would which has left me with not enough money in my pocket to make happen here that I intended to. I have been needing to rework my plan and come up with a new one, so many variables to consider and running out of time to make decisions. Maybe just renting a room and settling down, getting a normal job. Or would that be putting my dreams on hold but then again what exactly are my dreams? I don't want to live a conventional life, I never have so would settling down and getting a job turn my life into something that I'm not wanting?
A friend made a proposition yesterday, one that I cannot ignore. The chance to come live and work on a farm for Spring/Summer/Fall with time off for my desert home. A cabin of my own, amazing vibes, all in the redwoods. So tempting, but I just got to Tahoe should I try and move, work, save some money then come back here and try again? Also wanting travel, spend time in Costa Rica. Hmmmm I'm not sure which is the right choice, where my fate should lead me . . .

Ching!

Some wonderful friends from the bay were in town tonight. It's such a treat to have people come and visit. Carl and I went out to Thai and had a grand old time talking and working on BRP issues. We then decided to release the rave muppets on the casino's and off we went to Harrah's where we met up with Aaron, Rachel, and Misa. Casino's are fascinating and deeply sad all at the same time. Walking through the bright machines with bells and whistles, people pushing buttons like robots. Smoke in the air, girls in too tight shoes and skirts batting their eyes at learning young boys. Drunk people running into you, security eyeing you. I can see why Hunter S Thompson needed drugs just to survive in their. I feel like casino's are one giant energy suck, when I left I felt more tired that I had in a long while. And the most funny part of it all is there was a game named after my friend Bam.

The Summerland

"The essence of the Summerland is that it is a resting ground where souls can reflect on the life they led, see if they learned the lesson they had intended on learning, and then try again in due course. The Summerland is not seen as a place of judgement, but rather, as a spiritual self-evaluation where a soul is able to review its life and gain an understanding of the total impact its actions had on the world. Some may believe each particular lesson (and hence, life) is chosen and planned out by the soul itself while in Summerland, whereas others may believe that lessons are planned by an external party (deities, spirit guide, etc)."

Beauty

love this piece

Friends are Rad

especially friends like Niko!

Ten Thousand Visions

Michael Divine, one of my favorite artists in this lifetime

Resolutions

Every year people make new years resolutions: lose weight, exercise, be a better person etc. Most of the time these new life choices only last a month and then we are right back to where we started. The Buddhists call this Samsara which can be translated into "wheel of suffering". We churn through societies idea of what we should be, what we should want instead of who we really are. So many of my community are pirate,outlaw,ninja,cowboys, ecclectic folk that live outside the lines. When I pull myself out of this life and head home for Christmas with my International Business brother and his lawyer girlfriend I am transported into a world that I know little of and fit into even less.
Everyone wants to be happy and have the American Dream but what is that really? White picket fences and 2.5 kids, 401k, suv's? The reolutions that people make aren't really designed to make them happier or better people, it fuels their desire to fit in and be what others want them to be.
So in this new year I begin to wonder what I want for myself. I want to steer clear of any solid ideas and let life choose to interpret them as it see's fit.
I want to be happy
I want to be healthly
I want to laugh
I want to love
There, that's it
it's your turn universe

Kali

the goddess of time and change

I was with a friend the other day, a true dream warrior if I ever met one. We were driving, talking, listening to the radio when the song that was the soundtrack for my very first kiss came on. I still remember it to this day even though it happened when I was 10. Where I was, what I was wearing, what it was like. One of the memories that you'll never forget, sweet and innocent like daffodils in the summer. We pull up to my house and my friend pulls me close and gives me a kiss of his own to commemorate my first kiss. It was another sweet moment, delicious like the summer's breeze.

learning to fly

working on growing my wings

Car problems have been a constant trouble of mine. Today my car wouldn't start, my friend tried to fix it but still nothing. What am I to learn from all this? why can't the universe give me a car trouble free life for a while. But I'm going to stop bitching and sit back and hope for the best!

2010

2009 slipped quietly into the ether's and I'm glad for it. It was a challenging year in which I felt the deepest corners of my heart exposed and raw, I also had the time of my life in the city, in clear lake, in the desert. It was a year for evolution and change. I brought in 2010 with close friends and laughter. Watching the city from the Oakland hills, remembering the journey that I went through there and grateful for the chance to have the one before me. The first couple of days in the new year were spent with an amazing friend from dpw and now I start school today for the first time in years, beginning my growth. Now is the time to say who we are and what we want to be because this our life, our world and no one can take it away or make us feel like we are not worthy. I learned a great deal about myself and came through many hardships. If I can survive we all can. Soooo what are your dreams for 2010?