Snow

Last night was blistering wind with rain. I awoke this morning to a beautiful, clear, chilly day with snow dusting the tops of the mountains. The seasons changed so fast. It was summer when I left for Burning Man and fall when I returned. It will be getting cold in California by the time I get out there I'm sure. It'll be good to feel the chill in the air, somehow it makes it better this dull ache in my heart.
I went to a party at the planetarium last night, it was not that great of an event, everyone was just sitting around listening, there was hardly any dancing at all. Part of me didn't want to be there, I wanted to be sitting at home cradling my sad heart but part of me knew I needed to be out in the world, secluding myself away wasn't going to accomplish anything at all. I know JJ isn't sitting at home feeling sad. Of course this makes me wonder how much I really meant to him? Was everything he told me at Burning Man lies? I don't know if I'll ever know. It seems like the snow will cover it all in quiet with everything fading away.
My heart rules so much of me, it is a blessing and a curse to love the way I do. I wish it could be different but I don't know any other way.

Fall/Winter

It seems like the events of yesterday sealed the deal for my fall/winter months. I wanted to stay in Colorado because I wanted to be in love but love doesn't want me right now so it's time to be on the move.
I cannot sit still right now, even though I am home I've been going out, hiking, visiting friends, mountain biking, moving constantly.
My friend Mike reminded me when I met him a couple of months ago about carpe diem. It's something that I hadn't thought about in years. When I moved to Colorado from San Francisco this idea of having complete freedom was appealing to me but I didn't know how to put it in action. In the last 4 weeks I've been from Boulder to Burning Man, Burning Man to Reno then North Lake Tahoe then to SF then back to Boulder then from Boulder to SF to Symbiosis back to SF and back to Boulder.
I'll be here for 2 more weeks then I'm going back to work in northern california until December 1st then back to Boulder and then to NYC to visit friends. After that who knows and the best part is I don't care. I want to live my life in a very organic way, whatever comes my way I'll jump on it. I want to live like that forever, never living a "conventional" life again.
We have big plans for our camp at Burning Man, my friend Josh rented a warehouse in South Lake Tahoe to start building our village. It might be nice to go there and work for a while, snowboard some, maybe work at a resort.
The world is open to me and for this I am eternally greatful

the one of the right, the bane of existance right now but I still love him. I'm either the stupidest woman on earth or the strongest woman I know. My dreams still trick me into a surreal reality of him still being in my life. Maybe my time with him was a dream, I'll never be sure. Either way I wake up and he's not around anymore. My friend told me that I cannot save him, that the real world has too much of a hold on him even for me to break through. He might be alone forever, that thought makes me very sad.

breaking down

Burning Man was a dream for me, it was so much thrown into one but one of the main reasons it was so epic for me was JJ. We were in separable the entire week to the point that his brothers just told us to get married and get it over with. We had intense conversations about our relationship, we admitted to each other that we were falling for each other. One night we went out separately and the next day he looked at me and told me that he wanted to be with me last night instead of his friends. He told me that I was his girl not just on the playa but back home in Colorado as well.
we got back and it all seemed to fall apart. The real world kicked our asses. The thought of letting someone in, of actually having someone love him scares the shit out of him. He's hasn't been in love in years, has been alone for so long that it's easier to remain so. his friends told me that they hope I would be the one to break the wall, to save his soul. To love him and teach him to love back. I wanted to be that person too, I was already falling for him deeply. At first it seemed like it would be good but then I think fear got the best of him. It seems he would rather let something go that could be amazing, let go of what could be love because he is too scared to face that part of himself.
he met another woman a couple of nights ago, he didn't admit to it until a grabbed his cell phone, he had texted her "I can't wait to see you again" and her something to the effect of wanting him all night long. He couldn't deny it any longer. I was so angry because it was SO good between us then it went SO bad and he wouldn't talk to me about anything. he is incapable of talking about his inner emotions at all. So here I am nursing a broken piece in my heart knowing that there's nothing I can do but let it go. If he wants to be with me, to grow up and take a leap I want to but I can chase after a ghost anymore. I think I actually felt my heart breaking when I read those texts, and they were on Sept. 26th only a couple of days ago. It's been weeks since he's texted me with can't wait to see you again and it seems like I might not ever talk to him again. My friend told me that at least we'll have Burning Man, it seems like he's right, we'll at least have Burning Man.

degression

text message hell

me: are we still friends?

JJ: Yes

me: What is going on?

JJ: at a bar

me: Why have you not called me back?

JJ: can we talk tomorrow my phone is dying

me: you ignore me for 2 days then not want to talk? take a minute please

silence, call and his phone is off.

My friend Michael told me that my process of communication is much more evolved than his. It seems to be much more evolved than most men I meet in Colorado.
So it's Monday, we'll see if he calls or not. I'm not sure why I care I just do.

communication

This has been an issues for me lately. First with Mikey and now with JJ. It baffles me how people cannot speak their truth? It's obvious when something is wrong but they don't say anything, nothing at all, run away it seems. I've never had a problem like this with my friends before. You spend time with someone and form a bond and then nothing, no communication for no reason at all. I'm left texting or leaving messages to a black hole. It makes me angry actually, I want the friends that I have to have the balls to tell me whats up. I don' deal well with cowards. With me you always know what you are getting, I will never lie to you or not tell you what I feel. Something happened between JJ and I, I have no idea what it was but what ever happened resulted in him not returning any of my texts or my messages. I just wish he would talk to me, what ever it is we could work it out, we are friends right??? hmmm I guess I'm not so sure anymore about that one. I've come to a point where I need to let it go, it makes me sad because I hate not knowing whats going on and I am going to miss his friendship. The older I get the more I treasure those around me. I don't make friends on a whim anymore, I chose to have people around me that bring something to me and I to them. I really value the people in my life and when I lose one it breaks me. Maybe it's a scorpio thing I'm not sure, holding on too tight has always been an issues but since I've moved I've really been able to work on it. I guess it comes down to the fact that I live from my heart and everything I feel I feel deeply which is a blessing and a curse all at the same time.

I'm feeling better than I did a couple of days ago. Some sadness fills me at the moment. I feel my friendship with JJ deteriorating, which makes me sad. I really liked having him in my life but maybe it's time to get go of that. I've been learning a lot especially since Burning Man about living life organically, not being attached to an outcome. Things change constantly, life, people, situations, it all moves and shifts I cannot expect something to last forever.
I'm leaving on Wednesday for California and the Symbiosis festival. I'll be staying at Mikes before and after the festival. I'm excited to see him and all of my friends again. It's been a real treat to be in SF so much. I like living a nomadic life, it seems to suit me. I need to find away to live like this for a while, make money this way. I'm hoping to get this job working for a booking agent doing festival production. I need to work on my resume, I'm getting lazy about it . . .

Sitting in the Laughing Goat on pearl St in downtown Boulder, watching sunlight bounce off everyone faces, my lap top open and head phones on it seems as if I never left. I never went and had a crazy adventure in the desert or road tripped it to the city by the bay. I never left Boulder except of that feeling inside, the one that was instilled in my at Burning Man, the feeling of evolution in my heart. I can return to Boulder and everyone is still here, everything is still the same but I'm not and I never will be again. I've seen the other side and for the first time in years I really lived at Burning Man, took it all in. I've changed for the better, my eyes are more open, my heart bursting. And then there are growing pains of course, too much to take in when I didn't make enough room. It makes me laugh with joy one minute and sink into tears the next. but who ever said evolution would be easy?

cranky

I spent the last 2 days in Denver at J.J's apartment. Yesterday is was cold and cloudy so being inside for most of the day was ok. I ended up feeling caged and wanted to go out but J.J wanted to stay in. We ended up bickering about it and resulted in not the feelings that I wanted to have for the evening. I am still feeling funky about coming home from Burning Man. I admittedly took a lot of this out on J.J the last couple of days which I am not proud of and I hope that no long lasting damage has been done. I've been missing SF, missing my friends there, missing Mike. It was so good to re-connect with him from such a pure place. I really value his presence in my life and I miss him a lot. I'm feeling better though today than I did a couple of days ago but it's still there floating around in my head, this sadness that really has no reason, no end or beginning. I just have to be patient and move through it all and hopefully it will have an end soon.

Aftermath

I've been having re-entry issues from traveling and Burning Man. My heart is split in two, half to be happy to be back in Colorado and the other half wanting to keep wandering, being nomadic not wanting to settle down but see new things all the time and meet new people. my family is pressuring me to find a steady job but all I want to do it fly. My dad keeps reminding me that I am approaching 30 and still floating, it doesn't bother me that much I know that my life will unfold how it's supposed to. It's hard to convince the other generation that it will be ok, that you don't want what they want. In fact most of what they want is an illusion anyways. My head is heavy, maybe a nap will be best. Actually I just want to snuggle with someone I love right now.

Home and Back Again

Burning Man, the whole experience took my breath away. I laugh, cried, hugged, kissed, evolved, died and was reborn again. And the whole time I was there I didn't take a single picture. Maybe it's better that way, it makes it seem more like a dream than reality.I saw so many people without looking and then didn't find half of the people I wanted to. The art blew my mind and every minute I was completely grateful for. Mike and I were able to reconnect and really have fun together. It was funny when we were looking for each other we always found each other. We left the playa together and went to Reno then Tahoe and I found myself in San Francisco. It was an epic journey, I love to travel and move around. Mike was perfect to do that with, we get along so well. SF was a flurry of activity, I wish I had more time there. I got a massage from Logan, had lunch with Natalie, went to dinner with Mike at my favorite thai place, went to philz, looked over the city from twin peaks. It was good to be there and it was good to come home. Home is where the heart is always and I feel like my home can be wherever and it will be perfect no matter what.