Courage to Face the Demons

Way before I met dear Hero I found that we had the same "here for" on our tribe page, courage to face the demons. Now all the time later I see her as a spiritual sister and our "here for" has evolved into statements of love and compassion.
I am beginning to feel the courage to face the demons again though. It is strange on how fast they sneak up on you, the demons that we carry in our hearts. Sneak up behind to teach us lessons about the inner most workings of our souls. At the time it is almost impossible to seem them as a blessing, they always come as a curse.
I have been feeling today how much someones choices affect me when they shouldn't. Someone that I thought was a friend ceased returning emails and deleted all my comments off their mysapce page for no reason that I can even fathom.
All this brings up so much for me, whats wrong with me to warrent this? What I would like to feel though is what ever they are going through is their own business and I am just a mirror and in reality it has nothing to do with me. But in order to get to feeling that I must travel through feelings of sadness, abandonment and betrayal.
It comes at the most appropriate time all this does with me out here in Colorado away from evrything that I've called home for so long, that now I've made the choice to do the work of evolution the work is upon me. Someday I hope to not even travel through all the learning emotions, to just be able to arrive at a place of clarity on my own, a place of peace and self love for myself
someday

Sonic Bloom

Wow what a wild ride, I got into Boulder Tuesday night and drove up to Sonic Bloom on Wednesday (pics and story from the journey out here later)
Sonic Bloom was an amazing experience, I met so many beautiful people that are from Colorado which made me feel even better about moving here. There were also many people from California which made the transition easier. I had an healing haircut with Anahata, got to hug Eleni a million times and spank her for her birthday, got to spend time with the lovely and graceful Sofiah, hang out with Foxy and Chris, play with KLC's ruffles,had a fun encounter with a new friend, and smile, smile a lot and laugh all the time. waking up to a rushing river with swallows diving overhead and prairie dogs, it was a lot like heaven on earth. I feel blessed to have such beautiful people on my life and to have met some more beautiful people as well. I danced a bit, was attached to a radio way to much but mostly just talked and admired the scenery around me. I am still tired from the experience but it was all worth it every single minute.

saying goodbye

everything is making me cry today, I leave tonight
I went to Philz coffee, I told Phil that I was leaving, he grasped my hand and told me how much he enjoyed my company and how he will miss my smile, and good luck with my move. I started crying right there with all these people around.
I know I am moving on to a whole new adventure and I will never lose the people that love me but letting go is hard, the need to have some security is very strong but what I really need is faith in the universe and life that I am making the right choice and that nothing is forever. Everyone has made a impact on my life big and small. I think I'll be at Burning Man, I want to go and I am waiting for somethings to be in alignment. I've asked for the chance to go and hopefully it will present itself.
So this is it, I didn't get to say good bye to everyone and if I missed seeing you I am so sorry and for those I got to see I feel blessed that I got to hug you one last time for a while.
My home is open if you are ever in Boulder, Colorado. It's a gorgeous place to be in the summer and fall, please do some visit!!
Until next time . . . .

magic

I spent yesterday afternoon in the park with Sydney, Hero, and Travis. It was so nice to sit around in the sun with beautiful people and just talk about life and love. I am going to miss all these beautiful people but I know that the world is full of beautiful people and the friends that I have here will always be friends, forever is only an illusion.

The movers came today to pack up and ship my furniture and most of my things to Boulder. it was intense watching it happen. They were both trying out my hoops, it was funny to see 2 men trying to hoop in the middle of the mission. It made me smile.

I'm starting to take all those "last pictures" with people, this is really fucking sad, I go up and down between seeing the best in all this and really having a hard time with it all.

the right foot

I have always thought that my feet were pretty tough. I've spent summers walking shoeless in Tahoe, done yoga for years, etc I decided to get my foot tattooed with the symbol for the heart chakra so I would always be walking forward with love in a way. I went into Braindrops yesterday completely hungover and I was not prepared for one of the most intense tattoo experiences of my life. It was so painful, I was warned of course but I didn't think it would be that bad. I got the outline done and had to stop. so it's part way done waiting for some color. I only hope I can get in together enough to finish it before I move.
On a better note Gordon from Braindrops is AMAZING, he's just starting out but already his portfolio blew me away. Please, Please if you are thinking of getting work done check him out you won't be sorry!

I died from minerality and became vegetable;

And From vegetativeness I died and became animal.

I died from animality and became man.

Then why fear disappearance through death?

Next time I shall die

Bringing forth wings and feathers like angels;

After that, soaring higher than angels -

What you cannot imagine,

I shall be that.

~Rumi

Missing Home

I was driving back into San Francisco today. along Hwy 80 I look to the right and see the city with the Golden Gate bridge, I began to cry, big huge tears that are the by product of taking up my roots from the only place I've called home to move onto a new adventure. It's hard to leave when there is so much still here for me but when is the best time to leave anywhere? Growth and change is never easy no matter how good for you it is. There are people that will miss you, sights you will dream about, favorite restaurants that you will crave, the arms of another that haunts you. It all changes into something else, grows, dies and becomes reborn. Stepping forward with heart is the most important fact of all, to know that this was not all in vain, that I did grow and I did learn and I did love with everything in me the people that will remain here, and that there is no such thing as forever. If I want to come back I will or go somewhere else. seperation anxiety has me in it's grips a little now, it will be better when I leave and get settled. I am going to miss so much here though. This city has a place in my heart, a big one.

Today

I'm visiting my Dad for a bit to see him and my friends in Sacramento before I move. All my friends here have cable TV. It's amazing how easy it is for me to get sucked in to the picture box. I was watching trash TV at my friend Leah's house yesterday, complete garbage but I was captivated. I havne't had TV in 6 years or so and in many ways I am glad and in others I am not. It keeps me in a box because when I am on the internet I don't seem to search out news or currents events but when it's on the TV I just sit and watch it. Maybe this means that I need to be more proactive in my learning process with the events of this day and age. So much happens and it seems to skip me and float by and I am living my life seemingly unaware. Something to think about for sure since I'll have lots of free time when I am getting my life started in Colorado.

waiting

I've been keeping myself in this place for so long, unwilling to let go and unwilling to move on. There was always part of me that believed it could have been different but I lacked the strength to make it so. I always told him that I was trying but in truth I could never see past my own pain. I didn't try to move past it and in turn I lost him and it keeps spiraling down further and further until we are where we are now, Slighty bitter and heart sore. He tells me that we will never be again. He's jsut trying to get through this week and then be done with me in a way. I will be gone from his immediate life, gone from memory. 2 years over and done with a future that is as gray as the fog in summer. how do you let love go?