Miss Van

this lady rocks, hard . . .

the change . . .

I was sitting at the laughing goat with a friend today having coffee and she mentioned something that I've been thinking about as well, it's amazing how quickly the things that matter to us slip away to be replaced by more unimportant things. We make choice in our lives, move to new places, try and get out lives together. But within all this internal shifting we forget about the external world. Blaire was telling me how sad she was yesterday when she was thinking of her life purpose and how she wasn't doing anything to change the world. Granted change always start from within but there is always something we can do to make the world around us a better place. It got me thinking about my life, my journey. I gave up everything that was home to me in San Francisco for what?? I hadn't thought about it in a while. It was time for me to go, at least for now. it was as if the universe was pushing me out telling me I had things to do with my life that staying in the city was not for me right now. So now I'm here in Boulder, Colorado for what?? What's next? I'm surrounded by breathtaking beauty but I have not thought once about putting some energy towards preserving what I have come to hold dear. I'm not talking about strapping myself to a tree I'm talking about social change with compassion. Ghandi wanted us to be the change we saw in the world so I should be the change. Get involved, use my knowledge to help others. I want those mountains to be there and be perfect especially when showboarding season comes :)
I just get so caught up in what I am doing withing that I don't ever look outside, I need to start. I have the most amazing opportunity to change my life, to make it what I want to be instead of struggling .
What will my choices be now??
It's funny how the world works, on a personal level I've come across a situation that I've been in before but now I have the power to change it and make it work for me instead of against me. It's challenging though to change the course of water when it likes to flow just so. There's an easier path to the ocean. it's funny though the feeling of wanting to hold on when you need to let go, it almost over takes you sometimes. life is just easier though when I release the grip.

saving watts???

http://www.blackle.com/

Blackle was created by Heap Media to remind us all of the need to take small steps in our everyday lives to save energy.
Blackle saves energy because the screen is predominantly black. "Image displayed is primarily a function of the user's color settings and desktop graphics, as well as the color and size of open application windows; a given monitor requires more power to display a white (or light) screen than a black (or dark) screen." Roberson et al, 2002
In January 2007 a blog post titled Black Google Would Save 750 Megawatt-hours a Year proposed the theory that a black version of the Google search engine would save a fair bit of energy due to the popularity of the search engine. Since then there has been skepticism about the significance of the energy savings that can be achieved and the cost in terms of readability of black web pages.
We believe that there is value in the concept because even if the energy savings are small, they all add up. Secondly we feel that seeing Blackle every time we load our web browser reminds us that we need to keep taking small steps to save energy.

Boulder Full Moon

Friday night turned into an epic affair. I got off work around 8 and went to dinner with the ladies. It was supposed to be a chill evening, dinner then we went for a drink at 7 after dinner. One drink turned to many, it was such a fun evening. I have been blessed to meet some beautiful people here. Friday night was a gathering of friends new ones and not so new ones. An encounter that I had friday made me realize that I need to re evaluate my connections and expectations of people. It's something that I've been working on for a while but there are always reminders that shake you back to the present moment, the present situation. Life wouldn't be life if learning wasn't involved. The full moon seemed to put fire into everyone on friday night, before I knew it we had closed the bars down and were laughing in the streets. it was one of those nights I went to bed at 8am woke up at 10am then went to brunch (after calling in sick to work) to a restaurant I've never been to but saw everyone I knew. After brunch I parted ways with the friend I was with and drove up to the mountains. it was so beautiful with snowy peaks and dramatic clouds. the kind of beautiful that makes your heart burst with joy. it was a so perfect 2 days.

heaven

those tender words that we said

to one another

stored in the secret heart of heaven.

one day, like the rain,

the will fall and spread

and their mystery

will grow green all over

the world

~Rumi

sickness

I spent the last 3 days bedridden, sick, floating in and out of delirium. dreaming dreams while I was awake and flying while I was asleep. I remember talking to mike not sure, remember my mom taking care of me but other than that it was all a floating world through time and space. the realizations that I had were invaluable experiences. my truth is to live that life of a warrior and I know now that is my life calling what I do with that is another story but I must live in love, pure love not because I have to because it is the gift that was bestowed on me by being a creature of light. The ability to love is a gift that we all have though we seldom use it. Love can overcome and weapon that this world can produce but love in itself is used to rarely sometimes, I have been lost in fear for so long it's easy to get lost in fact it's almost human nature to get lost. I gave up everything I had known to love myself. choice creates power within ourselves, we always have choices, and thats where people get stuck, they make choice out of fear or safety not out of empowerment. so we get stuck in the same cycle, the same choice put before us to test us, to make up choose differently to take our power back but most of us just keep making the same choice over and over again and we stay stuck in samsara. I'm not pretending to say that 3 days sick has made me enlightened, I'm saying that I opened my eyes just a little bit more to see my true nature. my true nature is something I never expected.

feeling the medicine

going home

the desert been calling me home, there are many dreams and uncertianty that await me this year. through it all though I can feel love through me and while fear grips part of me I do not feel that it will overcome me this time. he'll be there, I'll be able to hug loves in person instead of dreams and laugh and experience joy with some of the dearest friends I've ever known. and I'll be home.

The modern English word "weird" is derived from the Old English term wyrd, meaning "destiny." By the late Middle Ages, wyrd had evolved into a concept similar to the Eastern notion of karma. It implied that the momentum of past events plays a strong role in shaping the future, but that human willpower can nevertheless also have a hand in creating upcoming events. In some uses, wyrd could even mean "the power to control destiny," as exemplified by the three Weird Sisters of Shakespeare's MacBeth. I bring this up, Scorpio, because your Wyrd Factor is pretty high these days. While the consequences of your past are certainly impinging on your present to some degree, you've rarely had a greater ability to override them through the force of your intentions.

when does falling turn into flying?

I felt a certain stillness
circle around my heart
his shadow sits
folding it's wings
around my fear
I long to see truth
to see reason
to heal
I'm akin to a shattered mirror
you are my heaven
and you are my hell

Owls live near me

I heard the babies sing tonight for their mama

Owl Medicine

Owl sees and knows the truth. It's ability to navigate through the darkest night and bring back nourishment for itself and others is the foundation of this essence. When you have lost your way, owl essence will guide you back to your proper path and wisdom.

Yet even so, the Owl provides a vital function in keeping bird, rodent and insect populations in check; too many of any species is detrimental to the balance of all. So it is with other things in our own lives, for if we have too many possessions, too many projects, too much of anything, it limits and restricts our ability to move freely through the different areas of our lives and the resu lt is stagnation which leads to the death of joy, happiness and abundance. Owl medicine then becomes crucial in helping us to clear out that which is no longer needed or wanted. What may seem like a death to us in the giving up of something may be for another the birth and manifestation of a dream. We are most likely to lose our way when we become enmeshed in the "shoulds" and "must haves" in life, most of which come not from our inner selves but from the opinions and beliefs of those around us. We can spend so much time listening to others about what we should want ( and the commercials on the telly and radio are prime examples of this!) that we ignore what we really want. We find ourselves spiraling downwards into the darkness because we have become so busy thinking we must pursue this or hunt that, most of which provides very little, if any, real nourishment.

Owl medicine can help a person to extract secrets, to see that which is hidden in the darkness and is very powerful for soul retreivals for this reason. Many shamans, psychic healers and mediums have owl medicine either as a primary totem or can call upon one as needed. They can see clear through to the core reason for any type of imbalance and then they can spot the proper medicine needed to heal the imbalance.

Amazement

I found another artist that takes my breath away

*audrey kawasaki*

Quietness

Inside this new love, die.

Your way begins on the other side.

Become the sky

Take and axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

You're covered with a thick cloud.

Slide out the side. Die,

and be quiet. Quietness is the surets sign

that you've died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon

comes out now.

~Rumi

I like that I live in a state where you can get a license plate that says respect life on it

Compassion

For my heart

The Journey

I've been thinking about writing a huge thing about my road trip with Mike out here complete with pictures and everything, the whole 9 yards. The more I think about that though the more I want to keep it to myself, something to treasure between one of the great loves of my life and I. I will say that it was so amazing to have him journey with me out here and I will be forever grateful for his love and friendship. I know from a deep place within me, deeper than flesh and blood goes, down to the soul that Mike and I will always have a special connection to each others hearts. we will be those friends that grow old together. Through all the challenges that I've had with him it has been and will be all worth it.
Here's to you babe . . . . .xoxo

Whew , I was worried

holding on

I feel like I am trying to hold on too tight to sand

it just slips through my fingers

and leaves me alone anyway

Colorado

My first couple of weeks in Colorado almost seem like a dream. It has gone by so fast yet barely moved. It's been a blur of people younger than me and a lot of jam bands and reggae. I can't help feeling old here even though I'm only 28. Everyone is in college or just out. There are different dreams and ideals. I see myself a little more tired and jaded than the people around me but maybe that is a good thing, makes me see that I don't need to feel that way. A healer that I know told me that she she's me being here for a long time. At first I balked at the suggestion, Colorado was only a stopping point nothing more but the more I think about it I cannot limit myself in any way to any experience. Staying here doesn't seem to fit but neither does going back to San Francisco. Maybe I need to meet more people my age, get involved in something that moves my soul. There are good people here and they don't seem to put up a front like people in SF. The pain that I left behind is still there circling my heart but I don't face it everyday like I used to. I have the advantage of working on it without being consumed by it. I need to give my life a chance to show me what my path is, not to fight it anymore, not to control it. I need to let go, to learn how to fly.

Outrage!!!!!!

Apart from Sonic Bloom I had not officially had a night out in Boulder. This past Saturday was to be my first night out with my new girlfriends, we were going to see Matthew play at the Fox, then head to Trilogy and then off to the Family party with my girl Ana Sia playing.
It all went well for a while, I can say that the people in Colorado are some of the nicest, most amazing people that I've had the pleasure knowing.
We get to the late night party and everyone is having a great time, nice beats and a beautiful night.
Very late night around 4;30ish 5 there was talk of a guy that had taken too much lsd and split his head open. My friend went to the scene first and I followed. I've seen this before and I had hoped to help.
It was pretty bad, in fact I had never seen anyone this messed up before. The poor guy was being held on the ground by all of us because he was thrashing and screaming so bad. We were all attempting to talking him down which might have eventually happened but the gash on his head was so bad, bad to wear you could see white, not flesh.
someone made the decision to call the paramedics because his head needed treatment immediately and the thrashing on the ground was not making it better only worse.
So instead of the medical help we need we get the Boulder police. They come onto the scene acting like they own it unaware of actually what is going on. The presence of family was beginning to calm him down a little bit and it was important that we stay there but the police told us to get away, some of us resisted but in the end we moved away like we were told. Immediately after we let go and moved away he started screaming and thrashing around, his safety net was gone and he felt scared and alone. Thinking back now I can't even imagine the dark space he must of been in,it had to be so frightening. when he started thrashing around again the police jumped on him, there was no kindness towards his situation, they kept yelling at him to calm down but the thing is he was so far away right now. More police showed up and then finally the paramedics. The paramedics were kept back because he was thrashing so much and all of us family were kicked out of the room. There were huge windows into the room which we all moved to to see what was going on.
what we saw next I have never seen in my entire life of throwing and attending parties. The poor soul was having major problems and instead of holding him down (there were 5 police int eh room by now) to have the paramedics give him a sedative they began to taze him with a tazer!!!!! He was screaming in pain and also controlled by the drug and it made him go even crazier. Let me remind you he had a HEAD WOUND, a large one and by now there was blood all over the floor and the walls. There was Boulders finest not even protecting at all just hurting a poor person who was already in so much pain who was no threat to anyone but himself. People were screaming and crying at the fact that we were witnessing such brutallity on someone who only needed help. as of my count the tazed him 12 times!!!!!! 12 TIMES people!! what kind of world do we live in where things like this happen? They finally let the paramedics come in and they got him on the stretcher to take him to the hospital. The police didn't even take the taze wires out of him! Afterward the police were all outside laughing and commenting on how many times they tazed him.
What the Fuck!!!!!! I've never in my life seen anything like this, what happened to protecting and serving? Now it's brutality and pain.
I am apalled that this even happened in front of our eyes. It makes me disgusted with the world I live in and also give me the fire to make this a better place. If you know of anything that can be done to make this situation right please let me know. we must work together as a community and a family to have change happen in this world
The picture was taken as they were tazing him, we were all out of the room by then but looking through the windows.