Snow Thoughts

It's cold here in Boulder, but it doesn't bother me. It amazes me how much I miss it here. Things change though and what I miss the most is last summer, one of the best times of my life. Even if I moved back here things are different. People have moved, lives have changed. It would still be amazing if I moved back but it would be a different experience. Being here makes me realize how I want to hold on to the past in so many ways. To keep a grip on heaven but heaven is whatever I make of it. Yes I was in a sort of paradise last year but I can be in paradise again, here or anywhere else. Sitting here at my favorite Boulder cafe on the computer it's almost like I've never left but I have and in my heart I don't know where I belong anymore, maybe thats where I'm supposed to be. I've always felt like I should be the eternal wonderer and maybe I should.

Since I've turned 30 all I've wanted to do is look inward. To seclude myself and read, drink tea, go to sleep early, and just breathe it all in. There is a part of me that is yearning to evolve, the question is am I ready now? Is now the time for me to come into my own?

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

I'm driving to Portland, yeah for roadtrips!

hmmmmm

I love the rain

Drowning

death equals life

Basura Sagrada

It has taken me this long to wade through what I went through and continue to go through after this years playa adventure. I still cannot completely comprehend all of my feelings but will try my best to sum it up a little.
The whole experience of Basura Sagrada was a journey for me. I was at a time in my life where I was floating. This project landed on my lap so to speak and it was exactly what I needed to evolve to where I am now.
In my position as volunteer coordinator I had the privilege of speaking with hundreds of people that the temple already touch without even us painting one dot. Through out this whole process I have a expanded base of friends that I call family. Everyone of you has touched my life in a deep way no matter how little contact we had. A few of the all stars: Medina, Shira,Candice, Brent, Tucker, Andrew. Dr Wunderlich,Shrine, Genevive, Brando, Big JIm,Edward, Jessica, Matt, Linda,Patrick, Doug Sinclair, Matt (crane operator), Sean, Nikki,Kelsey, Foxy,Gabe, Jack, Guilia, Josh,Tim, Victoria, The whole groove bomb crew, I know there is more but thats all that comes to mind right now, plus everyone who gave me coffee when I needed it so.
Doug Sinclair told me that I had wings, bright blue wings and even though I could not feel them I will someday because they are a apart of me. So many people looked at through those eyes this year, I had wings to many and by the end of Burning Man I was beginning to see them myself.
This year was extemely difficult. I worked the whole time, whether DPW or the temple I was so quiet. I did not see any art, nor did I see any friends besides the ones I was camped with. But I made over a 100 new friends through out my time there.
I laughed and I cried, died and was reborn again. I know what direction I want to take in my life and have the vision to take it. As Median said the bar has been raised. I want to create and provide to the community that I call home.
When I returned from the playa I entered into a state of confusion about what to do next, I then realized that it is up to me to create something new, to put that energy out that I want for my next project. The sadness lingers still for I miss my new family terribly.
I'm still not entirely clear where I will go from here, it is still vauge but getting clearer.
I did learn that I am strong and I do have worth and that is something that I will never forget.

Twilight

I admit that I am a huge dork for even saying this but I do not care
I cannot wait for this to come out!!!!
yes
I said it

ahhhhh

Back in the dusty warehouse.I actually didn't miss it at all.

crushed

I had a horrific event happen tonight. I was driving to the store to get a little something for dinner. The road to my house is windy and dark, lots of trees and wildlife. I was going slow and out of the corner of my eye I saw a kitty. I was thinking what a cute kitty it was when it ran in front of me. I slammed on my brakes but was too late, I ran him over. I pulled over to the side of the road and ran over to him. He was dying and in shock. I picked him up and carried him to the side of the road. There was blood coming out of his mouth, his little collar with a bell on it was been thrown to the side in the accident. It had to be the most traumatic thing thats ever happened to me. I love cats, love them to pieces and to see this poor little kitty dying because I hit him. His family will be wondering what happened to him. I wish he had a tag with a number. I left him by the side of the road, I sat in my car and cried for an hour. Pain just poured out of me. Brandon is going to make a little box for him and we are going to find his owners tomorrow.
I was so excited about leaving for Burning Man and Basura Sagrada, now I feel just sad and hopeless.

Dust Bound

I leave on Tuesday for the playa
It's been a journey to this place, a beautiful one at that. I was at American Steel this weekend for my last work weekend for the temple at the warehouse. It's going to be such a change to see it being assembled on playa. All the pieces that we sat on the dirty, dirty floor for hours patiently painting dots upon dots is all going to be worth it. As I drove my car away this morning heading back to Santa Cruz knowing that this was the last time I would be at American Steel in this capacity a tear started to form, then another. I cannot express in words how beautiful and amazing this project has been for me.
I've grown closer to existing friends and made new ones, I've learned a lot more about what I want in my life, and I've grown as a person. plus I learned how to drive s tick shift (thanks Big Jim!)
So I'll see you all in the dust, if you get this in the next couple of days send me the details on where you are camping! And please, please come see the temple. It's a labor of love on all parts.
Brandon and I will be somewhere around or in temple camp, so look for us there. I'm sure we'll be at nexus a great deal too.
love,
stars,
and
all
that

The sun is rising on a new day. I must move forward alone.

Holding

I've come to a point where I am at a holding pattern in my life. It's where your lover tells you they wish they had time to iron out the wrinkles in your relationship but they need to work and make money right now, soon though, soon. It's where you lay awake at night and listen to his breathing and wonder when you will leave him or even if you can leave him. Where your job drains you but you cannot leave now, not when you are leaving for Burning Man for a month and need something to come back to. It's that time where you feel like you are so close to it whatever it is but you cannot reach it and instead you eat a cookie and then feel worse. I'm wondering when it will all chance or what I am really meant for if this isn't it.

MIssing You

My friend Leah just sent me some pictures of the last night I had in Colorado when I was there a couple of weeks ago. I cannot say enough how much I love my Colorado family. If I had not fallen in love I would probably still be living there. It's getting to be summer by now, warm and lovely. With those afternoon thunder storms that last only 30 minutes but cool you off just enough. Yeah I miss it there, I wish I could live both places.

Rainbows

To me Colorado is all about rainbows, I see them all the time there. On my way to Denver Friday night there was a rainbow the went over the freeway,I drove right through it. It was so beautiful and bright. It was a beautiful end to my time there.
I'm back in Santa Cruz, the whole move was very emotional for me. I love Colorado and I love my friends there. If I could somehow live both places I would. I wish I could have spent more time there but in reality it's never enough time, we all have to leave sometimes. Two days of driving through hot climates with my cat in the back seat to finally make it to Santa Cruz at 3am. I felt misplaced and lonely. I spent the next day sleeping on an off trying to recover from a long trip and partying in Boulder. It was nice to finally have my kitty with me sleeping next to me. Now comes the fun of unpacking all my boxes and trying to find space for everything I brought back! But that can wait, I'm off to Lightning in a Bottle on Thursday!!!!

Scattered

I'm back in the rocky mountains to get the rest of my belongings to make the final move to Santa Cruz. It makes me sad to know that my time here is over. I really loved it here (except getting my car stuck in the snow). it's beautiful all the time and Boulder is so cute and small. I cried last night when I thought about leaving. We all have to move on sometimes.

I leave for Colorado next Tuesday. I am very excited to see the rockies again. Being there had a profound affect on me and it is something I never will forget. If I hadn't of fallen in love with Brandon I might still be living there which wouldn't be so bad. I do love those mountains, so beautiful. It seems like it might be good spring weather when I'm there. Hmmmm warm ,spring boulder, sounds delicious like ice tea on a hot summer day. See you soon rocky mountains!

Life is

Bliss
I've come out on top from a challenging couple of weeks
it feels so good to be where I am at this moment

Breaking Open

This last week has been a release or rather a breaking open of my self into something else, maybe my true self??? I'm not sure at this juncture what I will turn into. I feel myself taking more time to breathe, listen before I cry and ask the universe for lessons in forgiveness. Not all it what it seems and most of what my mind makes up is false, the demon playing tricks on me. Trying to keep me from moving forward when I so desperately need to. I keep reminding myself that life is perfect as it is. Each moment I let go a little more, let a little more light in. In hopes one days I"ll have my own garden that I alone planted.

I feel raw, exposed
like I am lying naked in the snow

It's getting better, bit by bit
He ran after me in the parking lot
the after saki craze
growling, laughing
he is heaven

This moment is absolutely perfect

how I'm feeling today

After A While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

I Need One

Sitting outside with the morning dew resting on the wood of the deck, smoking a clove, sipping my morning coffee, cats playing at my feet. I've often wondered how I would end up, what life I would be living. You never can tell and you'll never know what really moves us in the end until it's upon us.

Love, Stars, and all that

When I was young I used to believe that once you found the love of your life that you would live together happily forever and ever. I never wanted to accept that along with the joy that relationships were work. There were many times I would have rather run away that work on something that I believed should just naturally work all the time. It wasn't really until now that I realized that I have something worth working for. As I approach my 30th year of life I see that in order to function in a healthy relationship there is give and take on both side. getting to know that person for better and worse and being gentle because you are both learning all the time. I was sitting at work today watching the clouds roll by over the tree covered mountain when the thought of having a child popped into my head. I'm not sure if I ever want children but after today I know that if I was going to it would be with Brandon. That in it's self says so much about my love for him. Everyday it grows deeper. I come more and more out of the shell I built around me heart to trust him that he really does love me for everything I am and I do not have to change a single thing about myself. No one has ever loved me unconditionally before besides my family. It's an experience that is both scary and exhilarating. I can only hope that it will last for the rest of my years on this earth, I cannot think of a better way to live life than with him.

Life is moving along at a steady pace. I'm on spring break with too much time on my hands. My work with the Temple and Lighting in a Bottle take up some time but not too much. Brandon is having to put in more hours at work so we can get caught up which leaves me a lone even when he's home. It's those kinds of times when life is raw, not really much going on, not enough time to spend with your loved one. It's a time when shit has to get done and there's no room for glory. I know it will pass but it leaves me a little blue. I would love to go out and muse myself but moneys tight right now. I'm looking forward to summer and Burning Man.

Heart and Soul

I am the volunteer coordinator for the temple this year at Burning Man. I am extremely blessed to have this opportunity to contribute to my community in this way. I am very excited to pour my heart and soul into this project. Along with working on the DPW this is going to be a very good year indeed.
http://basurasagrada.org/

blessed

I love my life

love and heaven

Lately I have been wondering about love, being in love, loving one another. My friend Amy and her partner Jay just celebrated 10 years of being together. Their story is inspiring to me since many people do not make it past a year these days. Love is the most important ingredient for a long lasting partnership but they also require work, trust, and about a 100 other things. Lately the real world has slammed down hard on my relationship. School, work, and obligations do not leave us the time to stare into each others eyes like we used to. The shift made me wonder if something was wrong but then I realized that life is a cycle, relationships are cycles. The only constant in life is change. We must learn to be fluid in our lives and keep the faith that our cycles have purpose and meaning. I wake up next to the man I love everyday and that is a gift. The business of our lives will mellow out sometime soon and we can have fun adventures again but of course busy times will be back and gone again. It has been humbling to be in a relationship that I do not want to run from, that I do not place blame on the other person for challenges. I guess I've grown up in a sense and also met the right person to grow with. I've learned that not everything can go as planned and that love is the strongest force of them all.

Good Bye

It's been floating around tribe about the tragedy that has struck our community. Beautiful Heidi, a lovely lady that I've only met in passing in the desert or at a party. A sweet soul that leaves an impression on your with a radiant smile. Someone has brutally taken her life in Bali this past weekend. Someone so young and so talented stripped from this world so horrifically. It hits close to home, I remember having a chat with her at Burning Man one year about clothes in the middle of the night at Nexus. She was a joy to talk with and since then hugs and warm smiles were always present when we went by each other. I didn't know her hardly at all but she remembered me all the time. It is up to no one but the universe to decide life and death. What happened angers me and makes me cry, it seems that no one is safe anymore. It's more important now, more than ever to become stronger as a community and a life force. We cannot let the challenges of our day and age take us down.
Peace to you lovely Heidi, you will be missed by everyone . . . .

Sigh

Everyday I am more and more in love with him . . . .

making peace

The last couple of weeks I've been faced with the reality that I need to make peace in my heart with circumstances that will not resolves themselves anytime soon. There are times when friendship is not what it seems and the world seems to be against you. Connections that I thought were solid that in reality I need to let go of. There are only some many times that something that be broken apart and glues back together again. Some people are just not supposed to travel through life together, or at least travel for a while through life together. There is some of this that is my fault, I wasn't clear on our situation. I believed that it was different that he saw it and that is my fault for not being clear. We could have avoided this hurt and loss of friendship, well maybe we could have. In so many ways though I feel like I was punished for living my life, for falling in love. The way that he handled the situation was childish at best but I was a fool to think that we have evolved enough to be friends. We learn through our experiences and I have learned from this one. It is a challenge to not let anger and bitterness tear threw my heart. I have been trying to cultivate love and compassion for this situation. People come into our lives for a reason, a season ,or a lifetime. Mike had his purpose in my life although I am still figuring out what it all was for. I hope we'll be friends again someday, I don't know if we will but I hope.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

~The Prophet

sometimes even paradise can have it flaws, little cracks in the glass that at first it makes you angry that they exist then you learn that they have a place too in this world

I awoke this morning to rain pounding the roof of the converted barn that I call home. Blankets pulled up around my chin to ward off the chill in the air. Brandon having left hours before, his space in bed cold to the touch. Most of my mornings at the rose farm have begun like this since I moved here. My love gone at work, our other roommate as well. I'm all alone with too much time on my hands. I've been looking for work slowly, anticipating the start of the school semester. not really sure what I want to spend my time doing for money but knowing that I need to find something soon. Find something to do not just to make money but to settle my restless mind. I love being back in California. I feel at home here. Colorado was amazing and exactly what I needed but here is where my heart is. I don't feel so confused about life anymore, nor do I feel the pain that I've carried around for years. I realize that life is a healing journey. I catch myself sometimes, so ready to accept pain and past experiences as my master. But I gain strength from life now and my last year in saturn return. I've been dreaming about Burning Man lately, dreaming about my feet on the playa, it seems like home is so far away but it will be here before I know it. but for now I guess I'll have to keep dreaming.

Santa Cruz

I am here in my new home, settling in with my love. It is so beautiful here, I feel blessed to have my life flow in this direction. There will always be challenges but I feel peace now in my heart for the first time in a long while. This is bliss . . .

The New Year

I spent New Years eve with a small group of amazing friends here in Colorado. Brandon was here as well, we rang in the new year proper. I have high hopes for this new year and the last year of my saturn return. I'm excited for the new adventures I'm about to embark on. Santa Cruz will be my new home, Brandon my new partnership and my own desire for a new life where I will thrive. Yup I"m looking forward to being a cali girl again. Colorado was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time but now its time to move on.