Tibetan Sky Burial

http://mbvtravel.com/burials-in-tibet-not-for-sensitive-souls/

Not for the faint of heart!!

soon to be new belly tattoo

sic itur ad astra "thus you shall go to the stars"

HOT DAMN, that is all . . .

Ishtar and I had a date with the road today. Decided against Spring Training. Sunny skies, redwoods, and beaches sounded so much more enticing than sitting in a city park listening to dubstep. Crusing down Hwy 1 along the ocean, eating some sweet cherries, the juice staining my fingers as I laugh into the wind. I had forgotten how much I miss being on the open road. I've been settled more or less in Oakland for about 3 months. It's the longest I've been in one place in a long time. The road sang to me to day and I sang back. I need to do this more, even if it is for only a day. I saw the ocean, rivers, redwoods, felt the sun on my skin. It was almost as sweet as being kissed by my lover, almost . . .

Fuck You I'm an Anteater!

Early morning to rise, Ishtar had to be taken into the shop which left me to make my way from Broadway and 25th to Fruitvale on foot and BART. A sound track consisting of Random Rab, Of Porcelain, Lunchtray, Slidecamp, to name a few. Time to walk, think, reflect, of life and those around me. Watching people scurry by with their heads down; afraid to look anyone in the eyes much less be caught looking at their own reflection somewhere.
When was the last time you really looked at yourself? All the beauty mixed with whatever imperfections that probably only you can see. How many times have you caught yourself wishing you were different in some way? It can take an entire lifetime for people to realize that we are perfect exactly how we are.
I don't care if you are rough around the edges, if sometimes you say the wrong thing, if you have moments of doubt, if you are not who you want to be yet. What matters to me is that you are living your life for you and only you. I care that you learn and grow from your experiences, that you strive to experience joy in some way. I care about you not giving up to the challenges around you but meeting them head on with grace. One of my favorite quotes goes :
"It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars" Garrison Keillor. Display your scars proudly because you lived to tell the tale, you will be someone with stories to share and wisdom to disperse.
All of this reflection reminded me of 'The Invitation' by Oriah. It makes the point that we must not live how society thinks we should live but that we must live how WE think we should live and be happy doing it. It doesn't matter that you aren't perfect, what matters is that you have the integrity and the strength to admit it and embrace it.

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.



This time this life is all we got, live it in the most joy you possibly can because even in the gritty parts of the city beauty prevails.

Sobriety, it's not really a bitch. Who Knew?

It’s been 2 months
2 months since alcohol or anything else for that matter touch my internal body
Suddenly at 1am I feel the need to write about my experience. I’m not sure of the outcome of my actions and honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. You either accept me or don’t. I will continue to be me either way and I am more than ok with that.
2 months ago there was a week period where I drank enough to black out 3 times in that week. Now being blackout drunk is always fascinating (and not in a good way mind you) because you never know what happened until your friends tell you what a dumbass you were and/or you see pictures. I had been drinking/partying/whatever

you call ramped, reckless abandon pretty consistently since I moved back to the bay area this winter. As soon as I arrived to whatever function I was attending it was almost imperative that I get a drink in my hand ASAP. It didn’t bother me too much, my incessant need to booze. I’d been drinking pretty heavily since I left Santa Cruz last year. It was becoming quite a thing for me.
Anyway
Blackout drunk 3 times in one week, and as always the 3rd time was the charm. I won’t go into details because it’s really none of your business but the skinny of the situation was I drank myself into a stupor, had to be poured into a cab, was a raging bitch to people I love, fled into the night with friends trying to track me down, and for the some fucked up reason that I will never figure out during this lifetime decided that it was perfect acceptable for me to drive from the mission district back to the house that I was staying at in Berkeley. I hurt my friends feelings, I could’ve hurt myself and worst of all I could’ve hurt someone else.
At 31 years of age I realized that it was time I held myself accountable for my actions. No one forced me to do anything, it was all me. So now I had apologized and found that my friends still loved me even though I had a severe moment of jackassery. Then I began to ask myself now what??
I had never really tried to stop drinking before. I had never really thought about it. Alcohol is such an inherent part of our culture and scene. It never dawned on me that I had a problem with control. I decided a little experiment was in order. I needed a challenge and at that time of transition and growth maybe I needed a little kick in the pants. I had always been a strong person; it was time to see how strong I could be. 90 days sobriety was the plan. And I didn’t mean for it to be 90 days of me hiding out in my room either. I still wanted to live life, see my friends, dance, and experience joy.
So it began
First couple of weeks was really difficult. I went out a couple of times to dance and found myself grumpy, almost angry that I couldn’t partake in the boozy shenanigans. Sat in the corner drinking my soda, glaring at everyone enjoying their adult beverages. But I didn’t give in even though I wanted to and pushed through. I started running in the mornings, getting up with the sun. Spending a lot of time alone, reflecting. Found the drive to make art again, everyday moments inspired me to see the world as an object of beauty. I applied for an internship at The Crucible, started working for an on playa art project. Certain things seemed to make more sense. I could see that part of the reason why I drank was because I was afraid of being with myself and also being myself with other people around. Alcohol was a social buffer for me. I didn’t have to think or try and interact with people beyond a superficial level. It dulled my senses and in my eye made me seem more fun which was totally false. Why should we rely on a substance to make us more enjoyable to be around? Not drinking provided me with a whole new set of challenges. I went to a party at the Vulcan and I can pretty much guarantee that I was one of the only sober people there. I stayed until 2, walking around with a mug of tea, connecting with people on a totally different level than I was used to. I remembered, no longer were the later parts of my evenings out of focus with missing spaces of time.
It’s nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like ass and as an added bonus actually remember what you did the night before!

My 2nd month has been easier. I take my own beverages to dinner parties. It ‘s easier to be in social situations and not want to drink. My bank account has thanked me a thousand times over. My soul actually feels good; it’s hard to explain it without a) sounding like a damn hippie b) turning something that I feel deeply to mush. It’s just through all this I’ve really become genuinely happy. In my second month I realized what an immense power alcohol had over me. I never want anything or anyone to control me. Through all this I have such a better understanding of who I am and pleasantly surprised about how really strong I really am.
I mean wow, if you knew me well you’d know this is a huge feat for me
So I am starting my 3rd month today and excited for a new round of experiences. I’ wondering what my first drink will be June 18th, wondering if I’d even want to drink at all. Who will I want to be with? Where? The I laugh because it doesn’t really matter. Life will happen how it’s supposed to, organically and perfect. One of the greatest gifts from this experience is that everyone has been so supportive; it makes me want to cry with joy.
A couple things for clarification
No I don’t care if you drink if front of me, I’m not judging you nor do I ever want to tell you how to live your life. Drink up, have fun, just know that I’ll tell ya about it tomorrow!
I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I used alcohol to deal with social anxiety and yes I did have a control issue. You don’t need to be afraid of me and you don’t have to be pissed at me cuz I’m not drinking. If it does make you mad well think of me as a mirror. It’s not me it’s you babe.
I don’t mind talking about it at all, you got a question? By all means ask away, I’m an open book and I’ve got nothing to hide.
I could have done this on my own but the continued support of all of you makes it easier. I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive and loving community around me.
To put it bluntly
I really fucking love you, each and every one of you

fack!

Well I want it or I think I do but in order to have it or a chance of even having it beyond what it is now I need t let it go and just enjoy the moments I have and maybe it will become what I want in the future. Sound confusing? ugh, try being me

LOL

"may the bridges I burn light the way" ~Rugburn

My friend Wasted and her friend Chris came to meet me at work today. They tried on hats, Chris bought us yummy dinner and gourmet cupcakes. It was a good time, I am definitely blessed right now. Something is nagging in the corner of my mind but it hasn't taken any kind of shape and I don't have a clue as to what it is but it's there. hmmmm

Follow your Bliss

My friend Monk was prancing around my room this morning with 'follow your bliss' embroidered on his american apparel undies. That phrases was true on so many levels this morning but I choose to comment on the one pertaining to things outside my living space. I live a blessed life, I'm far from rich in fact I border on poor but I have amazing friends, an inspiring community, and a loving family. No matter how down and out I get things always seem to work out in the end. It may not be how I thought it would but it's always for the best. So in appreciation of my friends undies I want to acknowledge to the universe that I am so appreciative for the life that I've led and continue to lead. for the pics it's Monk with my fabulous pink headband and the other is a flower from the Cacao tree inside the SF Conservatory of Flowers (which is an epic day date spot)

Feeling Blue

the blues hit me today, on a whim I posted on FB that it was so, so many people offered remedies for my malaise. Just knowing that there are people out there that care is more than enough to start to help to pull me out of my funk.

Can't wait

home is calling, it's time to get dusty soon. I've been compiling huge hugs for my desert family :)

I dreamt about that morning, when I awoke with the hangover from another dimension(it was the night after you told me you loved me). you wanted bacon, I put on my boots and purple cotton slip dress to go on the mission with you. You had me pick a tie out that you wore without a shirt and your carharts. The tie matched my dress, it was purple too. You held my hand, wouldn't let go as we went on our morning mission. It was one of those things that moved effortlessly like water. I was yours and you were mine. It shortly shattered after that.I had never seen anything break so quickly and efficiently, a hammer to glass. I pushed you far out of my mind and threw away what was left of my heart. I dream about that morning sometimes only we continued to be happy, I was still smiling, and you weren't a liar and a coward.

Ring of Fire

It was a song that always reminded me of you. A true testament to love, I fell so hard so fast. It was a blur of dreams mixed together as one singular memory. As the time went by the memory faded and I was left with pain and torment. It's hard for me to believe that I ever loved you like I did. I had never felt anything so powerful and after all this time I feel that I might never again. Upon waking you were my last thought and first memory. All I wanted then was to spend forever with you. Johnny Cash's voice fell through the speakers today, singing that song that brings feeling to that empty place that you left in my heart that place that will remain vacant for the years to come. A bitter sweet symphony. You are still living your life in the roses, in our old room, you probably barely remember my existence. In the same way life is beautiful it is also cruel at the same time. You should be out of my mind and heart. Something keeps you there, keeps the space empty. I just continue to move forward.I gave the small piece you left intact to a liar in the desert, the shattering of that dream created more empty space. Ive spent the last many months carefully building the walls around the abyss in my heart so it won't be as vulnerable. My own collapsed ring of fire.

I am trying to remain in grace in this crazy world, life is good and I'm happy

passion dreams