I stayed on the couch for hours this morning, crying over the chaos in my life. Nothing seems to fit anymore and I've never felt more lost. I can't believe that in an instant I'm homeless and I hurt someone that I care about. I never meant for it to happen this way but of course I could say that for years and it wouldn't take away what I've done.

There are times when I look at my life and think that I've never done much, never traveled,done nothing that has any worth or merit. I've coasted on the wind, just biding my time til what?? I was sitting with an old friend a while back talking about life. I was telling her about things I've done and seen. I looked over to see her mouth open just staring at me. She then said she wished she lived at least half of what I've lived. It made me think back, over the year. Desert dawns and redwood dreams, big city living, circles of friends, endless road trips, big sky country, love and more love. It didn't seem so bad, I've been through light and dark and I'm still here. Tattooed my own fingers in the rocky mountains, built a temple for people to burn their dreams and fears. The artists I loved and lost, the evolution of my own soul in the process. I'm moving back to San Francisco to start a new chapter. All of this renders me pointless in my own mind?? I think not.

It's hard to tell someone you love that you are leaving, I had to do it. It still haunts me, right now while I'm sitting alone at 4am. No one to talk to, no one to cradle my head while I cry. I've paid the ultimate price for freedom. I could've stayed forever with him in a cloud of doubt, he never would have left me. I had to choose to leave, to break the ties that bind. I regret a little almost every day but I know I made the right choice. What kills me is hurting him. There was a time when he was my sun but that was so long ago I don't remember anymore. I still remember his face when I told him our story was done, the tears that came. The promises to change that I know will never happen. Looking into thos eyes of blue and knowing that he will never call me cutie again. It tore me up and honestly I dont know if I will ever recover. I told someone very dear to me that I was broken, he told me that wasn't true but in a way I am. Part of me will never recover from what I have done to others but now I have no choice but to sit with it and let the current take me.

I think about my life and the story that I've lived, I think I'm going to do that, write the story of my life

Sitting in a city with no name listening to the rain fall on the sidewalks listening to a music mix made for me by someone dear
wondering where I am going and what is my path
not having answers anytime soon
yet the rain still falls, washing away the grime in the corners of my mind
and in the middle of this cloudy day in a city with no name I begin to see the sun

I'm about to cut the tie, it's scares the hell out of me

I think I'm making the right choice moving back up to San Francisco. Something tugs at my heart, doubt maybe?? I've never been a big fan of change but I also welcome it on many levels. Another paradox of me in my life. I've grown to love space, and trees, birds. But when I'm in the city I see all the people I love all the time. It's a trade off really, what do I want more. I guess I ca always go back to Santa Cruz but I think that if I leave it will have to be for a while. The energy around my leaving will have to calm down before I feel like I can even visit there. So here I am in the midst of change again. Last year I made a huge change, and the year before that I made one as well. I want to be grounded so bad but I cannot seem to make it to that place right now. I guess I cannot fight the universe but the one thing I wonder if how much am I following it's plane already? I followed it's heed and left the bay area to a place where I was happy. I left that place and came back to California to a situation where I wasn't happy for pretty much the whole duration and now I'm thinking of moving back to the city that I was "kicked" out of 2 years earlier. What the fuck am I doing and is it right for me?