Rain

Last night I was in a flurry of negative moods. I leave tomorrow for the playa, there is still so much to buy, so much to do and I'm running out of money, waiting for my check by the mailbox. It made me frustrated to wait until the last minute to finish then do a 1000 mile drive. I have been trying to connect with a friend to see where he's at, wanting to spend time with him out there. My text and emails have fallen into a black hole it seems. No response at all which seems a little strange because I'm not asking for anything but a yes or no. It made me a little unsettled about the situation. Why can't people just communicate? It isn't hard to connect with others, to speak your truth. I never seem to have a problem with it but everyone else (men) I run into seems to be blocked by some invisible wall that prevents them from having intimate human interactions. I am at the point where I think I'm going to just let it go, which makes me sad because we had a nice connection in the beginning and it could have been an amazing friendship or relationship. I went to bed in a grumpy mood, irriated and a little sad. I awoke about 3am to the most intense rainstorm I've heard in years. It pounded the house with lightening and thunder only minutes apart from each other. I feel back asleep and woke up in the morning to a fresh landscape and cool air, it's the first time I've worn pants since I got to Colorado. It was nice to smell the air and see the clouds hanging over the mountains. it made me smile and laugh, all the negative energy melted away and life just seemed simple again.

I leave on Saturday for Burning Man
I am looking forward to going home

life has passed in a blur the last 4 days or so, I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I leave for Burning Man in 2 weeks, I cannot wait to go home

bassnecta

last night was out of control, completely ridiculous, and insanely fun. I loved dancing on stage to Lorin here in Colorado. It was the same feeling but different, it wasn't the same crowd that I am used to and it was a nice change. While I was dancing one of my tigers eye hoops flew out of my ear and shattered, I was completly devestated but then today during our hung over stupor Onyi and I went to Twisted Sol and right there in the case was the same earrings that I had just broke in my gauge for half the price of what I bought the previous pair. It was meant to be I guess. it was a happy ending to an epic 24 hours. Now I need sleep, lots of sleep.

beauty

is everywhere here in Colorado, I don't even need to go further than my front door

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that this is my life. It all seemed to work out so well. Moving, meeting people, finding jobs. I feel blessed in so many ways. I can honestly say that I love my life.
I leave for the desert in a couple of weeks
it will be good to go home . . .

it will . . .

be mine

reckless abandon

I saw a movie called Candy a while ago, it was a very depressing film about heroin addiction. Geoffrey Rush has a line in the movie where he is caressing this girls cheek and asks her is she's is ready for a life of reckless abandon.
Those words stuck with me
I realize that I have lived a huge majority of my life within those words. When I was younger it would take me a split second to throw my life away and follow something or someone that I didn't think out before hand.
My marriage was like that, I gave up everything for Jon when I was only 21. I didn't think about it, I just did it. There can be something to said with living by carpe diem but on the other side there is living recklessly without thinking of the future or thinking about how your decisions would affect other people. Moving ahead with life and then when it doesn't work out devastated by the results, when you gave up so much, banked on everything you had only to have it come crashing down around you. I realized that I expected others to think like I did when that generally is not always the case.
The older I got the more I shifted the other direction, living with more caution and the intense need for security. A complete 180 from where I was 5 years ago.
Now I know I am happy with neither, I am at a place where balance is essential to me. The need for freedom with the need to make wise choices for myself.
There will always be a part of me that live with reckless abandon, I cannot imagine myself any other way but now it's a little more grown up, my eyes look toward the future along with the present moment and take others into consideration. Living in harmony inside myself and outside with the external world.
I was at a place last night where I wished people would just throw everything away for that one moment, to create a memory that would last forever. I felt that old feeling in my heart last night, that old longing. It sat with me all through the night until this morning. I needed to ask myself the questions that I have never asked myself before. Would I give up everything for a moment when I had some much at stake in other areas of my life?? I'm not sure that I would. I gave up things that I loved in SF for a better life out here. It was the best decisions I ever made but it was a sacrifice nonetheless. I still hear the sounds of the city sometimes, miss my favorite restaurants, miss the laughter of the friends I left behind. It was a decision made not by reckless abandon but with an intense desire to love myself and have a better life.
I guess reckless abandon is more about fear of loss than actually love of life.

evolution

I got some sad new yesterday evening. I knew when it began that my time would be limited, I thought at least I would have a couple of weeks but now it looks like the only time I'll have is at Burning Man and then after that who knows. It's a simple factor of evolution that I would be presented with this circumstance. What do I get out of it? What can I learn? Will I be able to let go enough to let infinite possibilities in? I come across this often during my constant search to evolve within myself. The need to hold on to be safe when in turn we are never really safe and holding onto something does the exact opposite, it ends up falling apart in our hands, like holding onto sand. So the universe has presented me with this challenge of honoring what I have in this time and nothing more and nothing less. He represents complete freedom to me since that what he seeks within himself. carpe diem is how he lives his life. I used to be like that then I fell into darkness in SF with not too much hope of getting out. Now I am here in this beautiful place with life working out for me in every way and I meet him and I am more intrigued than I have been for years. So now I need to look inward to find the places in me that he mirrors so well. I hope we'll be connected, it seems like our lives are meant to not run parallel for a while and that is ok. The future is unknown and I can find the bliss in that for sure.
p.s I borrowed the pic above from his profile, if a picture is worth a thousand words this one is worth ten thousand

Restless

I have been feeling restless the last couple of days, I cannot sit still. I keep hiking, exploring the mountains and while it feels good to be out in nature I cannot put my finger on what is driving me to seek something I don't know what it is. I know that I don't like one of my jobs and I am craving to leave it, I just need to make some more money before burning man. That seems to be part of it though not all of it. I'm feeling like I need to be moving constantly, last night I couldn't sleep at all. Thinking too much?? Burning Man has taken up a lot of my thought process lately with the glacier project coming together and the great unknown about how the playa will be for me this year. Lots of twists and turns on the horizon. I think I'm craving touch, his touch, that was a nice dream that I had and I'd like to have it again.

AHHHHHH

I need to concentrate
I'm getting distracted
I cannot afford
to get lost
this time