Breaking Open

This last week has been a release or rather a breaking open of my self into something else, maybe my true self??? I'm not sure at this juncture what I will turn into. I feel myself taking more time to breathe, listen before I cry and ask the universe for lessons in forgiveness. Not all it what it seems and most of what my mind makes up is false, the demon playing tricks on me. Trying to keep me from moving forward when I so desperately need to. I keep reminding myself that life is perfect as it is. Each moment I let go a little more, let a little more light in. In hopes one days I"ll have my own garden that I alone planted.

I feel raw, exposed
like I am lying naked in the snow

It's getting better, bit by bit
He ran after me in the parking lot
the after saki craze
growling, laughing
he is heaven

This moment is absolutely perfect

how I'm feeling today

After A While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

I Need One

Sitting outside with the morning dew resting on the wood of the deck, smoking a clove, sipping my morning coffee, cats playing at my feet. I've often wondered how I would end up, what life I would be living. You never can tell and you'll never know what really moves us in the end until it's upon us.

Love, Stars, and all that

When I was young I used to believe that once you found the love of your life that you would live together happily forever and ever. I never wanted to accept that along with the joy that relationships were work. There were many times I would have rather run away that work on something that I believed should just naturally work all the time. It wasn't really until now that I realized that I have something worth working for. As I approach my 30th year of life I see that in order to function in a healthy relationship there is give and take on both side. getting to know that person for better and worse and being gentle because you are both learning all the time. I was sitting at work today watching the clouds roll by over the tree covered mountain when the thought of having a child popped into my head. I'm not sure if I ever want children but after today I know that if I was going to it would be with Brandon. That in it's self says so much about my love for him. Everyday it grows deeper. I come more and more out of the shell I built around me heart to trust him that he really does love me for everything I am and I do not have to change a single thing about myself. No one has ever loved me unconditionally before besides my family. It's an experience that is both scary and exhilarating. I can only hope that it will last for the rest of my years on this earth, I cannot think of a better way to live life than with him.