borrowed time

I have been realizing that I am living on borrowed time here, with him. agreements made to live in peace with the knowledge that neither one of us will hurt until I leave. Time borrowed from a future without either of us in each others for a time being. I wonder what will become of us? The pain runs so deep, judgement and blame on both ends. Even after all this we leave little space for clarity, mostly because we don't believe the other will change even though we have. It's almost easier to lash out than it is to listen, all I want is for him to listen, to understand. I don't know what he wants from me, I never have. But there is a connection there that I cannot seem to place, it has no beginning or end it just is and it holds us together for better or for worse. Will distance weaken it or will we really see what we've been missing all along? What do we get from each other that is so important that we will float in a sea of gray that makes our hearts hurt so?