I'm surrounded by boxes!! Packing so so stressful especially when I have to leave for vipassana in a couple of days and need to have everything done by then and moved into the garage . . .

moving closer

The time of me leaving grows closer, it seems like the last 15 days flew by. I'm at home today, packing, with the sounds of carnival echoing in the distance. I don't really have the heart to check it out at the moment. I spent the last 4 days in Mt. Shasta having intense adventures which I'll write about later. I've come to accept many things in the last couple of days but the acceptance doesn't make it hurt any less, in fact my heart feels more tender than ever. It's hard to fathom how things end, I know that I have always strove for security in my life until now but teaching always say that security is a myth and the only constant is change. So my life will change very soon, in fact it is already changing, my relationships with people in my life are changing and I am feeling very much alone yet I am not alone, a weird paradox I guess. I do not know where my life will take me after the 17th. All I do know is that it will be away from here for a while at least. All my friends say that this is the best thing for me, they have seen me struggle for so long with all of this, that a break will be good and that I will gain clarity in the space between us. My conscious mind knows this and realizes that this is the best for me but my heart still aches and hurts for love and life lost. I've lost so much of myself the last couple of years and it is no ones fault but on own. My mind plays tricks on me telling me "if only . . ." bu the time for that is over now as well. I put my future in the hands of fate now, the universe knows what I want and in the end if it is meant to be it will. I have no choice to move forward because I cannot go back now.

Dark Nights

I sat today and cried for an hour with no cause, loss of self, loss of love?? I'm not sure where it all came from or where it is going. My time here in San Francisco is coming to an end. I am beginning to feel the pang of loss along with the thrill of a new beginning. I can feel the inside slowly deconstructing which leaves me grasping for common ground even if it is not safe ground. I've been pulling up demons from the past and showering my love with them. creating unsafe places where once there was light. I only have a short amount of time left with him. I need to let go all that I thought and feared because it does me no good anymore, it never has. I fear losing him but if I do not let go I will lose me and lose him forever. Taking a leap of faith this time around I must remember to pull the rip cord to sail down safely. being safe is almost a myth though, we are never really safe it's all an illusion it seems. Life changes and being with him I've learned how important it is to be fluid. It is ironic that now so late in the game I am learning him so well and knowing how to accept him. but there is no going back at the time and place. I cannot say that now I've learned and known and it will be different. I know it can be different in my heart but I cannot prove that to him. I cannot tell him anything he's heard a million times and now there is not time left to show him.All of this is out of my hands now and that lack of control is a true test for me. I am dying in so many ways, I am curious to see how I will be reborn again.

coconuts

When you fall in love
It’s like a ripe coconut –
You get all the good sweetness, the milk,
The juicy love that makes love so appealing.

But after awhile, the coconut
Goes past ripe and begins to harden.
All the love juice becomes thick,
Not so easy to swallow. You have to chew
On the hardened fruit to extract the juice.

There’s a lot more work to be done.
Once the coconut is beyond milk,
You have to grate the coconut to get
To the pulp of it all –
The relationship has matured.

You have to pour boiling water over it,
Making the coconut milk you once had so easily,
But that’s a lot of patience and muscle,
And you have to own a machete.

When you fall in love,
You must really love someone,
If you’re willing to ripen with them.
-Taken from the 2006 We’Moon Calendar

Letting Go

There are so many I will miss here, I am beginning to realize that although my decision was the right one, it has been a difficult and painful one. The next phase of my journey is unknown and that unsettles me even though it's exactly where I need to be . . . .

borrowed time

I have been realizing that I am living on borrowed time here, with him. agreements made to live in peace with the knowledge that neither one of us will hurt until I leave. Time borrowed from a future without either of us in each others for a time being. I wonder what will become of us? The pain runs so deep, judgement and blame on both ends. Even after all this we leave little space for clarity, mostly because we don't believe the other will change even though we have. It's almost easier to lash out than it is to listen, all I want is for him to listen, to understand. I don't know what he wants from me, I never have. But there is a connection there that I cannot seem to place, it has no beginning or end it just is and it holds us together for better or for worse. Will distance weaken it or will we really see what we've been missing all along? What do we get from each other that is so important that we will float in a sea of gray that makes our hearts hurt so?