I took Mike to work this afternoon, driving through the city it was as if I was seeing everything for the first time. All the buildings and noises that I didn't notice before now was in the forefront of my senses. Because I know I have such limited time here my mind is starting to make me want to stay to try and make things work here even though most of me knows that they won't for now. I am beginning to realize that although I say I am leaving the universe works in ways I cannot even fathom. I need to be open to possibility of whatever happens to me and knowing that it will be right when it does. Trying to have a clear heart without fear to have space for guidance to come in has been my greatest challenge this far.

Tears

I stood on the roof of my old apartment building in the Haight this evening. It's been over a year since I lived there. You can see downtown, the chapel at USF and the most gorgeous sunsets ever. I had just cut my old roommates hair when we heard the helicopters. Running up to the roof we caught the mid to the end of critical mass. Hundreds of bikers taking back the streets, making it theirs for those minutes that they were riding, pulling sound systems on trailers and blowing horns, laughing. I stood on that roof with the pink of the setting sun behind me watching the streets alive below and felt for the first time the pain of possible loss. Leaving the city is something I didn't imagine happening to me but now it's here, it's very possible. Thinking of all the things that made SF home for me and everything that I am going to miss. I go into the unknown. I don't know if I will return. This will leave me to put my fate into the universe with no idea what the future will bring. I always thought I'd live here and now I won't be. It might not be for long or it might be forever. My friends, my community and everything I have built around me I give to the wind for something better though I do not know what. It seems that events of late are pushing me out of this city, maybe pushing me to find myself in a world that I have barely discovered, pushing me to let go.

The Journey

All life's journeys begin with one single step, this is mine. Everything I've know for a good amount of time in my life has ceased to be leaving space for growth and also space for fear. I have come to a cross road where I will meet these challenges head on or I will turn away and try again. Is it my time??