A friend was telling me how good I looked. Bright, clear. He believes that it's because of my sobriety. I think that does have something to do with it. Since I started my sober journey my mind, heart, and soul has felt clearer and happier.
After my 90 day sobriety I had 4 drinks in a span of a month. I realized that I lost my taste for alcohol and I felt completely ok with that. There was also a nagging fear that if I was out at a social event I would lose the precious balance that I had found within myself. I just didn't feel like I was ready to drink out in public yet.
I knew that my biggest challenge was yet to come . . .
Burning Man
Can I spend 7 weeks at the dirt rave and abstain from alcohol?
I knew that I had to give it a shot. Once I started this whole odyssey I knew that I would never be able to go back to the person I was before.
So it was to be 7 weeks without booze, if I could pull it off I decided to entertain the idea of having a drink with Last Supper, but that's only if I could last pre-build, during the event, and most of post build.
It was time to dive in and see what I was made of. I hit the playa with a mixture of sheer determination and stubbornness.
I spent 6 1/2 weeks without a single drop of alcohol touching my lips. Most of DPW was extremely supportive and encouraging of what I was doing. There were always non alcoholic beverage choices in the fridge for beer o' clock. There were a couple of challenging times but I just removed myself from the situation and went to bed.
It was surprisingly easy
In my mind I thought "I got this!"
Last Supper came around. I had been dealing with some internal challenges already that day so I had started off on the wrong foot for making the right decisions. Some friends that I was sitting with were having wine with dinner. I thought one glass wouldn't hurt. It was Last Supper after all and I was already a little edgy. I figured it would calm me. One glass turned into 4. A brief hiatus at Trego with some lovely people then I was back at the machine yard. My internal situation was already amplified with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and intensified by some going on's at the machine yard. I walked into the courtyard where some friends were sipping on a bottle of Jamesons. I grabbed it and proceeded to pound it. They actually had to pry it out of my hands. By then I was more than tipsy, extremely surly, and looking for trouble. I headed over to the ghetto for the sock hop with a friend. I know that I drank more whiskey there and probably a beer or 2 to top it all off.
Things got fuzzy after that (I did hear later on that I was pretty entertaining). And then I ended up backing out, who knows what kind of jackassery I got into then. I somehow ended up passed out in a friends trailer. I awoke at 4 am, fully clothed, with an aching headache and not knowing where I was for a minute or two. My friend looked at me sleepily, told me where I was, and then told me he understood why I stopped drinking.
The next morning I couldn't get out of bed until noon. Even standing made me queasy. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I couldn't believe how I failed. The internal balance that I spent months creating was thrown out the window. I wanted to leave the playa. I felt like I couldn't face my crew especially since I didn't remember most of the evening.
I went to tell Chaos that I was leaving and he asked why. I told him my reasonings and he asked me to reconsider. He then told me that it would be an actual step forward if I could learn from my mistake and grow from it. I wasn't ready to drink again. I had to fall from grace to know that but at least I knew. Now I needed to make a choice. I decided to stay on the playa and not drink anymore. I haven't had a drink since.
Since I started this back in March I've heard a great deal of things
I've inspired many
shocked a whole lot more
been called a hero
I can't count the times I've heard people say that they could never do it
there is also a dark side too
I've been made to feel awkward
shunned
been given shit and called holier than thou because I didn't want a drink
I don't claim to have the answers, I can't save you
I am a mirror
I'm sorry you don't like what you see
I am mortal
I make mistakes
And this journey is mine and mine alone
Saturday, October 16, 2010
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