It's been a year it it still tugs at my heart. A dull ache that never seems to heal. I saw him last night. So much time has passed between us and the sight, touch, even smell shouldn't tear me apart but it does. I have begun to come to terms with the fact that I might never work right again. So much pain on both sides. There are times when I think I'm free from it but when I see him it all comes rushing back. The sad thing is is that I'm nothing to him now while the dream of him continues to haunt me always.

MUSE

Burning Man 2010

The rains have blessed the bay area with slippy streets and a massive display of thunder heads that roll across the sky. It's spring, flowers are blowing, people's creativity is blooming, life is getting geared up for sun and a summer of joy. Walking through Berkeley I can't help but get pulled into the dizzying array of scents from flowers. The petals are still untouched by summers rays, the rain releasing the light fragrance held within. It's been a time of change an re birth for many including myself. I am feeling the pull to move upward. It is exciting, yet scary. Choices to be made and only a leap of faith will reveal the true path. until then, I found ground stars . . .

carpet musings at SFO

It’s early morning at SFO
Travelers shuffling by heads down, concentrated on their iphone, laptop, book
Anything to avoid looking at other people, being in the present moment
I gave up trying to smile at people in airports a long time ago, it seems that it doesn’t matter. A small sigh lost in a loud wind.
I wonder where people are going, or where they are coming from
Even for my lack of smile at passersby I search for community among the crowds
Then pondering on what community does mean to me and how it’s affected the roads I’ve taken
I’ve been nomadic constantly since 2007, whether by car or plane I’ve been on the move
Bay Area to Colorado to the Desert to the North to Santa Cruz to Tahoe to the North back to the Bay Area
Spent some time in Santa Cruz, trying and wishing for it to be home but it never really was so. Then the heart was consumed in flames and I continued to move.
Throughout all these wanderings my community continued to evolve and grow, new people, new experiences. I began to crave the change; it was the only thing that really felt like home. I’ve been on many roads in the last couple of years. Extreme heartbreak, joy, laughter, loss, growth. Here I am years later a little battle worn wondering what’s next. I look at the downturned faces around me curious of their stories of love, loss and stars. In the end we are not so different. We all yearn for the things that make the sun shine brighter in our own worlds.
Right now I head to Colorado to see my Mama. Even now the Rockies call my name. One of the best summers of my life was spent there in 07 with beautiful people and mountains that reached towards heaven. Then back to Oakland where I call home for now, the then Desert to partake in shenanigans with the desert family. Then who knows . . . . part of me wants ground but they there’s the part of me that has wings that wants to continue to fly.
Sitting here on the well worn carpet, watching feet combined with suitcase wheels that are following their own dreams I think of all you in my life that I love and adore. The constant in my life has been the people that I’ve grown to call family; I am grateful everyday for you exsitance. Wishing you all blessings wherever your wings take you. This life is meant to be enjoyed and I hope all our chosen paths lead us there.

p.s the man next to me has an impressive amount of ithings . . . .

can't wait to go home

SOOOO

I miss you
I know I shouldn't
you aren't good for me
but there is just something about
that smile of yours
that touch and kiss
that's burned into
my soul
it seems there's no escape from it
still, we will never be
so you exist in my dreams
perfect

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.”-Kahlil Gibran

The world is not respectable;
it is mortal,
tormented,
confused,
deluded forever;
but it is shot through with beauty,
with love,
with glints of courage and laughter;
and in these,
the spirit blooms . . .
~George Santayana

Goodbye Breanna you're an angel now

I believe in nothing
Everything is sacred
I believe in everything
Nothing is sacred
~Tom Robbins