It’s been 2 months
2 months since alcohol or anything else for that matter touch my internal body
Suddenly at 1am I feel the need to write about my experience. I’m not sure of the outcome of my actions and honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. You either accept me or don’t. I will continue to be me either way and I am more than ok with that.
2 months ago there was a week period where I drank enough to black out 3 times in that week. Now being blackout drunk is always fascinating (and not in a good way mind you) because you never know what happened until your friends tell you what a dumbass you were and/or you see pictures. I had been drinking/partying/whatever
Anyway
Blackout drunk 3 times in one week, and as always the 3rd time was the charm. I won’t go into details because it’s really none of your business but the skinny of the situation was I drank myself into a stupor, had to be poured into a cab, was a raging bitch to people I love, fled into the night with friends trying to track me down, and for the some fucked up reason that I will never figure out during this lifetime decided that it was perfect acceptable for me to drive from the mission district back to the house that I was staying at in Berkeley. I hurt my friends feelings, I could’ve hurt myself and worst of all I could’ve hurt someone else.
At 31 years of age I realized that it was time I held myself accountable for my actions. No one forced me to do anything, it was all me. So now I had apologized and found that my friends still loved me even though I had a severe moment of jackassery. Then I began to ask myself now what??
I had never really tried to stop drinking before. I had never really thought about it. Alcohol is such an inherent part of our culture and scene. It never dawned on me that I had a problem with control. I decided a little experiment was in order. I needed a challenge and at that time of transition and growth maybe I needed a little kick in the pants. I had always been a strong person; it was time to see how strong I could be. 90 days sobriety was the plan. And I didn’t mean for it to be 90 days of me hiding out in my room either. I still wanted to live life, see my friends, dance, and experience joy.
So it began
First couple of weeks was really difficult. I went out a couple of times to dance and found myself grumpy, almost angry that I couldn’t partake in the boozy shenanigans. Sat in the corner drinking my soda, glaring at everyone enjoying their adult beverages. But I didn’t give in even though I wanted to and pushed through. I started running in the mornings, getting up with the sun. Spending a lot of time alone, reflecting. Found the drive to make art again, everyday moments inspired me to see the world as an object of beauty. I applied for an internship at The Crucible, started working for an on playa art project. Certain things seemed to make more sense. I could see that part of the reason why I drank was because I was afraid of being with myself and also being myself with other people around. Alcohol was a social buffer for me. I didn’t have to think or try and interact with people beyond a superficial level. It dulled my senses and in my eye made me seem more fun which was totally false. Why should we rely on a substance to make us more enjoyable to be around? Not drinking provided me with a whole new set of challenges. I went to a party at the Vulcan and I can pretty much guarantee that I was one of the only sober people there. I stayed until 2, walking around with a mug of tea, connecting with people on a totally different level than I was used to. I remembered, no longer were the later parts of my evenings out of focus with missing spaces of time.
It’s nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like ass and as an added bonus actually remember what you did the night before!
My 2nd month has been easier. I take my own beverages to dinner parties. It ‘s easier to be in social situations and not want to drink. My bank account has thanked me a thousand times over. My soul actually feels good; it’s hard to explain it without a) sounding like a damn hippie b) turning something that I feel deeply to mush. It’s just through all this I’ve really become genuinely happy. In my second month I realized what an immense power alcohol had over me. I never want anything or anyone to control me. Through all this I have such a better understanding of who I am and pleasantly surprised about how really strong I really am.
I mean wow, if you knew me well you’d know this is a huge feat for me
So I am starting my 3rd month today and excited for a new round of experiences. I’ wondering what my first drink will be June 18th, wondering if I’d even want to drink at all. Who will I want to be with? Where? The I laugh because it doesn’t really matter. Life will happen how it’s supposed to, organically and perfect. One of the greatest gifts from this experience is that everyone has been so supportive; it makes me want to cry with joy.
A couple things for clarification
No I don’t care if you drink if front of me, I’m not judging you nor do I ever want to tell you how to live your life. Drink up, have fun, just know that I’ll tell ya about it tomorrow!
I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I used alcohol to deal with social anxiety and yes I did have a control issue. You don’t need to be afraid of me and you don’t have to be pissed at me cuz I’m not drinking. If it does make you mad well think of me as a mirror. It’s not me it’s you babe.
I don’t mind talking about it at all, you got a question? By all means ask away, I’m an open book and I’ve got nothing to hide.
I could have done this on my own but the continued support of all of you makes it easier. I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive and loving community around me.
To put it bluntly
I really fucking love you, each and every one of you
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