moving closer

The time of me leaving grows closer, it seems like the last 15 days flew by. I'm at home today, packing, with the sounds of carnival echoing in the distance. I don't really have the heart to check it out at the moment. I spent the last 4 days in Mt. Shasta having intense adventures which I'll write about later. I've come to accept many things in the last couple of days but the acceptance doesn't make it hurt any less, in fact my heart feels more tender than ever. It's hard to fathom how things end, I know that I have always strove for security in my life until now but teaching always say that security is a myth and the only constant is change. So my life will change very soon, in fact it is already changing, my relationships with people in my life are changing and I am feeling very much alone yet I am not alone, a weird paradox I guess. I do not know where my life will take me after the 17th. All I do know is that it will be away from here for a while at least. All my friends say that this is the best thing for me, they have seen me struggle for so long with all of this, that a break will be good and that I will gain clarity in the space between us. My conscious mind knows this and realizes that this is the best for me but my heart still aches and hurts for love and life lost. I've lost so much of myself the last couple of years and it is no ones fault but on own. My mind plays tricks on me telling me "if only . . ." bu the time for that is over now as well. I put my future in the hands of fate now, the universe knows what I want and in the end if it is meant to be it will. I have no choice to move forward because I cannot go back now.