Dark Nights

I sat today and cried for an hour with no cause, loss of self, loss of love?? I'm not sure where it all came from or where it is going. My time here in San Francisco is coming to an end. I am beginning to feel the pang of loss along with the thrill of a new beginning. I can feel the inside slowly deconstructing which leaves me grasping for common ground even if it is not safe ground. I've been pulling up demons from the past and showering my love with them. creating unsafe places where once there was light. I only have a short amount of time left with him. I need to let go all that I thought and feared because it does me no good anymore, it never has. I fear losing him but if I do not let go I will lose me and lose him forever. Taking a leap of faith this time around I must remember to pull the rip cord to sail down safely. being safe is almost a myth though, we are never really safe it's all an illusion it seems. Life changes and being with him I've learned how important it is to be fluid. It is ironic that now so late in the game I am learning him so well and knowing how to accept him. but there is no going back at the time and place. I cannot say that now I've learned and known and it will be different. I know it can be different in my heart but I cannot prove that to him. I cannot tell him anything he's heard a million times and now there is not time left to show him.All of this is out of my hands now and that lack of control is a true test for me. I am dying in so many ways, I am curious to see how I will be reborn again.