The heart is conflicted with heaven and earth. I thought I wanted to be centered and grounded for a while, put down roots. But I don't think that's the case. I have begun to let my freedom go slowly but now I grab back onto it. If I want blue skies and white mountains I should go there, if I want tropical jungles and sandy beaches I should go there, if I want castles and centuries old churches whispering in my ears I should go there. I had thing feeling that being 33 meant my life was over but it's not. it's far from it.

What kind of paradise am I looking for?
So many years I've spent learning to swan dive into the shallow end. The challenges I've faced have turned the corners of my heart brittle, dried leaves ready to break in the wind. I've moved through the last week with reckless abandon. Throwing caution to the wind and sailing through fog. It's the first time in a long while that my actions don't make sense. I thought I knew what I wanted but now all I cradle is more questions. In the middle of right and wrong there is a desire that I cannot name that will not last. I've dreamed of distant countries, places where no one knows my name. I would like to take one from the old life with me. One who would always remind me of my name and who will walk beside me in unconditional friendship. Then again I'm just a dreamer and all these are are words. I must close my eyes and hope that I fly because I cannot have a fear of falling any longer.

Thoughts are a brewing. It's been a while. Might be time to come back

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth."

-Ayn Rand

I am Mortal

A friend was telling me how good I looked. Bright, clear. He believes that it's because of my sobriety. I think that does have something to do with it. Since I started my sober journey my mind, heart, and soul has felt clearer and happier.

After my 90 day sobriety I had 4 drinks in a span of a month. I realized that I lost my taste for alcohol and I felt completely ok with that. There was also a nagging fear that if I was out at a social event I would lose the precious balance that I had found within myself. I just didn't feel like I was ready to drink out in public yet.

I knew that my biggest challenge was yet to come . . .

Burning Man

Can I spend 7 weeks at the dirt rave and abstain from alcohol?

I knew that I had to give it a shot. Once I started this whole odyssey I knew that I would never be able to go back to the person I was before.

So it was to be 7 weeks without booze, if I could pull it off I decided to entertain the idea of having a drink with Last Supper, but that's only if I could last pre-build, during the event, and most of post build.

It was time to dive in and see what I was made of. I hit the playa with a mixture of sheer determination and stubbornness.

I spent 6 1/2 weeks without a single drop of alcohol touching my lips. Most of DPW was extremely supportive and encouraging of what I was doing. There were always non alcoholic beverage choices in the fridge for beer o' clock. There were a couple of challenging times but I just removed myself from the situation and went to bed.

It was surprisingly easy

In my mind I thought "I got this!"

Last Supper came around. I had been dealing with some internal challenges already that day so I had started off on the wrong foot for making the right decisions. Some friends that I was sitting with were having wine with dinner. I thought one glass wouldn't hurt. It was Last Supper after all and I was already a little edgy. I figured it would calm me. One glass turned into 4. A brief hiatus at Trego with some lovely people then I was back at the machine yard. My internal situation was already amplified with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and intensified by some going on's at the machine yard. I walked into the courtyard where some friends were sipping on a bottle of Jamesons. I grabbed it and proceeded to pound it. They actually had to pry it out of my hands. By then I was more than tipsy, extremely surly, and looking for trouble. I headed over to the ghetto for the sock hop with a friend. I know that I drank more whiskey there and probably a beer or 2 to top it all off.

Things got fuzzy after that (I did hear later on that I was pretty entertaining). And then I ended up backing out, who knows what kind of jackassery I got into then. I somehow ended up passed out in a friends trailer. I awoke at 4 am, fully clothed, with an aching headache and not knowing where I was for a minute or two. My friend looked at me sleepily, told me where I was, and then told me he understood why I stopped drinking.

The next morning I couldn't get out of bed until noon. Even standing made me queasy. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I couldn't believe how I failed. The internal balance that I spent months creating was thrown out the window. I wanted to leave the playa. I felt like I couldn't face my crew especially since I didn't remember most of the evening.

I went to tell Chaos that I was leaving and he asked why. I told him my reasonings and he asked me to reconsider. He then told me that it would be an actual step forward if I could learn from my mistake and grow from it. I wasn't ready to drink again. I had to fall from grace to know that but at least I knew. Now I needed to make a choice. I decided to stay on the playa and not drink anymore. I haven't had a drink since.

Since I started this back in March I've heard a great deal of things

I've inspired many

shocked a whole lot more

been called a hero

I can't count the times I've heard people say that they could never do it

there is also a dark side too

I've been made to feel awkward

shunned

been given shit and called holier than thou because I didn't want a drink

I don't claim to have the answers, I can't save you

I am a mirror

I'm sorry you don't like what you see

I am mortal

I make mistakes

And this journey is mine and mine alone

All good things must end
I got to drink from you
a thirsty traveler
blessed with a sweet spring well

I never really thought about how it started. I walked away when it ended. No expectations for the future. I can promise nothing to anyone and after all this time I still can't feel that one quadrant of my heart. He reminded of the definition in Hesiod. Instead of a state of confusion it was meant in Greek mythology as the initial state of the universe. The abyss from which life came from. Just by the sheer coincidence of his name each moment with him was a reminder that this is a new life. I must learn to be more fluid like water because change is the only thing I can count on. From him came a friendship that I will always cherish. Someone to hold when others didn't feel safe. I sit and think of roads in this indian summer night. Sweat clinging to every pore, memories fading into dreams. I smile, kiss the wind, and whisper my secrets to ghosts. Sultry dreams of late night rendezvous brings the smell of the dry dust to my nose. I don't posses a single ounce of regret for it was all I wanted and all I needed at once. And if happens to come again sweeping me up into it's illusion of disorder I will drink it deep like it's water from a fountain that pours from the earth. The times made that empty part a bit more bearable and for that I'm eternally grateful.