"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth."

-Ayn Rand

I am Mortal

A friend was telling me how good I looked. Bright, clear. He believes that it's because of my sobriety. I think that does have something to do with it. Since I started my sober journey my mind, heart, and soul has felt clearer and happier.

After my 90 day sobriety I had 4 drinks in a span of a month. I realized that I lost my taste for alcohol and I felt completely ok with that. There was also a nagging fear that if I was out at a social event I would lose the precious balance that I had found within myself. I just didn't feel like I was ready to drink out in public yet.

I knew that my biggest challenge was yet to come . . .

Burning Man

Can I spend 7 weeks at the dirt rave and abstain from alcohol?

I knew that I had to give it a shot. Once I started this whole odyssey I knew that I would never be able to go back to the person I was before.

So it was to be 7 weeks without booze, if I could pull it off I decided to entertain the idea of having a drink with Last Supper, but that's only if I could last pre-build, during the event, and most of post build.

It was time to dive in and see what I was made of. I hit the playa with a mixture of sheer determination and stubbornness.

I spent 6 1/2 weeks without a single drop of alcohol touching my lips. Most of DPW was extremely supportive and encouraging of what I was doing. There were always non alcoholic beverage choices in the fridge for beer o' clock. There were a couple of challenging times but I just removed myself from the situation and went to bed.

It was surprisingly easy

In my mind I thought "I got this!"

Last Supper came around. I had been dealing with some internal challenges already that day so I had started off on the wrong foot for making the right decisions. Some friends that I was sitting with were having wine with dinner. I thought one glass wouldn't hurt. It was Last Supper after all and I was already a little edgy. I figured it would calm me. One glass turned into 4. A brief hiatus at Trego with some lovely people then I was back at the machine yard. My internal situation was already amplified with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and intensified by some going on's at the machine yard. I walked into the courtyard where some friends were sipping on a bottle of Jamesons. I grabbed it and proceeded to pound it. They actually had to pry it out of my hands. By then I was more than tipsy, extremely surly, and looking for trouble. I headed over to the ghetto for the sock hop with a friend. I know that I drank more whiskey there and probably a beer or 2 to top it all off.

Things got fuzzy after that (I did hear later on that I was pretty entertaining). And then I ended up backing out, who knows what kind of jackassery I got into then. I somehow ended up passed out in a friends trailer. I awoke at 4 am, fully clothed, with an aching headache and not knowing where I was for a minute or two. My friend looked at me sleepily, told me where I was, and then told me he understood why I stopped drinking.

The next morning I couldn't get out of bed until noon. Even standing made me queasy. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I couldn't believe how I failed. The internal balance that I spent months creating was thrown out the window. I wanted to leave the playa. I felt like I couldn't face my crew especially since I didn't remember most of the evening.

I went to tell Chaos that I was leaving and he asked why. I told him my reasonings and he asked me to reconsider. He then told me that it would be an actual step forward if I could learn from my mistake and grow from it. I wasn't ready to drink again. I had to fall from grace to know that but at least I knew. Now I needed to make a choice. I decided to stay on the playa and not drink anymore. I haven't had a drink since.

Since I started this back in March I've heard a great deal of things

I've inspired many

shocked a whole lot more

been called a hero

I can't count the times I've heard people say that they could never do it

there is also a dark side too

I've been made to feel awkward

shunned

been given shit and called holier than thou because I didn't want a drink

I don't claim to have the answers, I can't save you

I am a mirror

I'm sorry you don't like what you see

I am mortal

I make mistakes

And this journey is mine and mine alone

All good things must end
I got to drink from you
a thirsty traveler
blessed with a sweet spring well

I never really thought about how it started. I walked away when it ended. No expectations for the future. I can promise nothing to anyone and after all this time I still can't feel that one quadrant of my heart. He reminded of the definition in Hesiod. Instead of a state of confusion it was meant in Greek mythology as the initial state of the universe. The abyss from which life came from. Just by the sheer coincidence of his name each moment with him was a reminder that this is a new life. I must learn to be more fluid like water because change is the only thing I can count on. From him came a friendship that I will always cherish. Someone to hold when others didn't feel safe. I sit and think of roads in this indian summer night. Sweat clinging to every pore, memories fading into dreams. I smile, kiss the wind, and whisper my secrets to ghosts. Sultry dreams of late night rendezvous brings the smell of the dry dust to my nose. I don't posses a single ounce of regret for it was all I wanted and all I needed at once. And if happens to come again sweeping me up into it's illusion of disorder I will drink it deep like it's water from a fountain that pours from the earth. The times made that empty part a bit more bearable and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Dust

The wind started to blow. My range of visibility started to get shorter. When I looked up towards the sky I was able to see blue among the swirls of white but after a while even that started to diminish. The rest of the crew had left to attend the wedding. We were the only ones left. 2 people in a desert during white out with a VR trying to set up a party for everyone to come celebrate before the masses arrived.
We must burn things, it's just what we do.
I question my sanity staying out in this mess. I knew I had to stay though. I couldn't leave my friend out here by himself. Goggles on getting pummeled by dust I held fast not sure really what yo do besides providing some kind of support while he moved janky pieces of art around in the whiteness.
It continued like that for hours it seemed until it finally stared to let up at dark. Cranked the light tower up and turned it on. he looked over at me and smiled I asked what, he said I looked wild in that moment. I checked the mirror on the car. The only clean part of my face was where my goggles had rested. Everything else was covered in dust. My hair windblown and curly. I'd gone feral.
The dust cleared, we burned and danced. I fell asleep fully clothed dust and on with a smile.



Man base strike night
Mega-far-away had burned and it was time to get to work. We drove and hit a white out. It was dark, I had no idea where we were going but the driver did. Through the blinding dust I could make out light. Looking above I could see the head and torso of the man shining through. Getting out of the truck I was assaulted with wind and dust. Goggles on I walked into the ring. Directions were being given out, people running about. So confusing but yet it all made sense. I went up to my boss to hand him the lift key, he looked at me and told me to drive it in. Hands shaking I climbed in the lift. I could see NOTHING in front of me and I had to drive this beast and maneuver it into a small area with no line of sight. I was guided in by my boss with a flash light. So worried but at the same time so excited to that I was give the opportunity to prove myself in some way on such an important job in hard weather conditions. We did the job, done by 3am. Headed back to the yard for some chill out time. I checked the mirror, I had gone feral again, dust, crazy hair, camo pants, boots, safety harness. I laughed out loud because I felt at home.
(pic is from 02)

Playa Thoughts

I left my life in the bay area for the playa Aug 6th
Part of me wants to write a beautiful and eloquent post about my trans formative time out there. That post might happen but right now I think I'm going to keep it simple.
I laughed, sang, stayed sober, drove big machines, was taken out of my comfort zone, worked my ass off, stayed in a trailer for the first time ever, danced, saw the sunrise once, evolved every damn minute, fell from grace once then pulled myself back up, saw double rainbows, felt rain on my face, met new friends and re kindled existing friendships, found peace, felt jealousy, drove a lift for man base strike in a white out, rode an atv, had my hair cut 4 times,burned a spider box, tackled more shade cloth than I care to remember, and at the end of it all tumbled down into chaos and loved every minute of it.
All in all I'd say it was a good year . . .

it's midnight on the 4th of July. I've chosen to stay home. For some reason being alone lately suits me. I've been standing at the cross roads for some time now wondering which way to turn, where I belong. I come up short every time. Sober and clean but as restless and wild as ever. I want to fly but I'm not sure where. I want to feel but I don't know if I can. There doesn't seem to be a niche that I fit into as of late. I go out with the dance family and I don't know what to say. And as of now I'm nervous about the desert and the unknown following it. There is pain deep down that I'm not sure how to let go of coupled with an emptiness that I cannot explain. I don't feel that much anymore. Love doesn't enter my hemisphere, but anger, mis-trust, and isolation do. My life is changing in ways I don't fully understand yet. I'm getting older, it shows in the subtle lines, the gray hair. I've been standing at this cross road for a while now trying to figure out which way is home. But everything I've known has changed or gone. I wonder if I'm scared to put down roots? If I don't settle there is less chance for hurt. Or maybe I have gotten so used to hurt it's become part of who I am and now maybe I'm scared of happiness.
Sigh
No matter what drives me right now I've never felt more alone