it's midnight on the 4th of July. I've chosen to stay home. For some reason being alone lately suits me. I've been standing at the cross roads for some time now wondering which way to turn, where I belong. I come up short every time. Sober and clean but as restless and wild as ever. I want to fly but I'm not sure where. I want to feel but I don't know if I can. There doesn't seem to be a niche that I fit into as of late. I go out with the dance family and I don't know what to say. And as of now I'm nervous about the desert and the unknown following it. There is pain deep down that I'm not sure how to let go of coupled with an emptiness that I cannot explain. I don't feel that much anymore. Love doesn't enter my hemisphere, but anger, mis-trust, and isolation do. My life is changing in ways I don't fully understand yet. I'm getting older, it shows in the subtle lines, the gray hair. I've been standing at this cross road for a while now trying to figure out which way is home. But everything I've known has changed or gone. I wonder if I'm scared to put down roots? If I don't settle there is less chance for hurt. Or maybe I have gotten so used to hurt it's become part of who I am and now maybe I'm scared of happiness.
Sigh
No matter what drives me right now I've never felt more alone