I awoke this morning to rain pounding the roof of the converted barn that I call home. Blankets pulled up around my chin to ward off the chill in the air. Brandon having left hours before, his space in bed cold to the touch. Most of my mornings at the rose farm have begun like this since I moved here. My love gone at work, our other roommate as well. I'm all alone with too much time on my hands. I've been looking for work slowly, anticipating the start of the school semester. not really sure what I want to spend my time doing for money but knowing that I need to find something soon. Find something to do not just to make money but to settle my restless mind. I love being back in California. I feel at home here. Colorado was amazing and exactly what I needed but here is where my heart is. I don't feel so confused about life anymore, nor do I feel the pain that I've carried around for years. I realize that life is a healing journey. I catch myself sometimes, so ready to accept pain and past experiences as my master. But I gain strength from life now and my last year in saturn return. I've been dreaming about Burning Man lately, dreaming about my feet on the playa, it seems like home is so far away but it will be here before I know it. but for now I guess I'll have to keep dreaming.

Santa Cruz

I am here in my new home, settling in with my love. It is so beautiful here, I feel blessed to have my life flow in this direction. There will always be challenges but I feel peace now in my heart for the first time in a long while. This is bliss . . .

The New Year

I spent New Years eve with a small group of amazing friends here in Colorado. Brandon was here as well, we rang in the new year proper. I have high hopes for this new year and the last year of my saturn return. I'm excited for the new adventures I'm about to embark on. Santa Cruz will be my new home, Brandon my new partnership and my own desire for a new life where I will thrive. Yup I"m looking forward to being a cali girl again. Colorado was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time but now its time to move on.

restless

I've been very restless lately. It was not a good idea for me to be in Colorado so long. Most of my friends are gone for the holidays or have moved. It's been snowing and hard to get around. I find myself pacing the house liked a caged animal, almost in limbo for my life to begin. I feel like I am beginning to go crazy around here. Brandon comes on Thursday and that feels like an eternity from now. Sigh . . .

a chapters end

I find myself back in Boulder for the Holidays. The view from my parents house it still lovely, the flat irons rising majestically above town this time they are capped with snow. Everything looks the same but in my heart I'm not the same. Boulder has done it's job for me and not it is time for me to move on to another adventure. I have loved it here, this past summer was so memorable and fun. I will never forget the friends that I've made here. Funny thing is a lot of them are leaving Boulder too. I'm not the only one that has decided to seek my fortune elsewhere. Knowing that some of the people that I was close to are leaving as well makes it easier to make this transition since I won't be leaving behind much.
Come January I'll be a Cali girl again, in Lake Tahoe for 2 months then to live with the love of my life in Santa Cruz. Make some art and move forward with some dreams that I have for my life. not too bad . . .

Happy Birthday

Today is the 30th birthday of one of my best friends. Well we were best friends. The way life goes is mysterious at best. Mike cannot handle me being in a relationship with someone else right now, it's too painful for him. So today on his 30th birthday I cannot call him and wish him happy birthday. So I write it here and in my heart. Happy Birthday Mike Hoffman, I love you very much, I hope today is everything you want and more.

kinda like love

I feel like people are so quick to fall in love. I mean how can you really get to know a person to actually love them after only a short amount of time. but then it happens and you are powerless against it. You look into someone's eyes and it clicks, just clicks. You know that the journey is over this is the one. Love can turn your world upside down and make you smile. he always has a smile on his face when he looks at me, it makes me giggle and smile back. I haven't smiled like that in a long time. I can spend hours with him, days even and I never get tired never get bored. when my fears overcome me I can speak honestly and truthfully to him and he get's it. I never felt like I would abandon love, I only wanted to take a break for a while from men in my life to let my heart heal a bit. But then he came along, someone who would let me grow and heal while being loved, something I didn't think was possible until now. I want to thank the universe for him and the lessons and healing that this provides. Whatever the future has in store I will always be grateful for his presence in my life.