All good things must end
I got to drink from you
a thirsty traveler
blessed with a sweet spring well

I never really thought about how it started. I walked away when it ended. No expectations for the future. I can promise nothing to anyone and after all this time I still can't feel that one quadrant of my heart. He reminded of the definition in Hesiod. Instead of a state of confusion it was meant in Greek mythology as the initial state of the universe. The abyss from which life came from. Just by the sheer coincidence of his name each moment with him was a reminder that this is a new life. I must learn to be more fluid like water because change is the only thing I can count on. From him came a friendship that I will always cherish. Someone to hold when others didn't feel safe. I sit and think of roads in this indian summer night. Sweat clinging to every pore, memories fading into dreams. I smile, kiss the wind, and whisper my secrets to ghosts. Sultry dreams of late night rendezvous brings the smell of the dry dust to my nose. I don't posses a single ounce of regret for it was all I wanted and all I needed at once. And if happens to come again sweeping me up into it's illusion of disorder I will drink it deep like it's water from a fountain that pours from the earth. The times made that empty part a bit more bearable and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Dust

The wind started to blow. My range of visibility started to get shorter. When I looked up towards the sky I was able to see blue among the swirls of white but after a while even that started to diminish. The rest of the crew had left to attend the wedding. We were the only ones left. 2 people in a desert during white out with a VR trying to set up a party for everyone to come celebrate before the masses arrived.
We must burn things, it's just what we do.
I question my sanity staying out in this mess. I knew I had to stay though. I couldn't leave my friend out here by himself. Goggles on getting pummeled by dust I held fast not sure really what yo do besides providing some kind of support while he moved janky pieces of art around in the whiteness.
It continued like that for hours it seemed until it finally stared to let up at dark. Cranked the light tower up and turned it on. he looked over at me and smiled I asked what, he said I looked wild in that moment. I checked the mirror on the car. The only clean part of my face was where my goggles had rested. Everything else was covered in dust. My hair windblown and curly. I'd gone feral.
The dust cleared, we burned and danced. I fell asleep fully clothed dust and on with a smile.



Man base strike night
Mega-far-away had burned and it was time to get to work. We drove and hit a white out. It was dark, I had no idea where we were going but the driver did. Through the blinding dust I could make out light. Looking above I could see the head and torso of the man shining through. Getting out of the truck I was assaulted with wind and dust. Goggles on I walked into the ring. Directions were being given out, people running about. So confusing but yet it all made sense. I went up to my boss to hand him the lift key, he looked at me and told me to drive it in. Hands shaking I climbed in the lift. I could see NOTHING in front of me and I had to drive this beast and maneuver it into a small area with no line of sight. I was guided in by my boss with a flash light. So worried but at the same time so excited to that I was give the opportunity to prove myself in some way on such an important job in hard weather conditions. We did the job, done by 3am. Headed back to the yard for some chill out time. I checked the mirror, I had gone feral again, dust, crazy hair, camo pants, boots, safety harness. I laughed out loud because I felt at home.
(pic is from 02)

Playa Thoughts

I left my life in the bay area for the playa Aug 6th
Part of me wants to write a beautiful and eloquent post about my trans formative time out there. That post might happen but right now I think I'm going to keep it simple.
I laughed, sang, stayed sober, drove big machines, was taken out of my comfort zone, worked my ass off, stayed in a trailer for the first time ever, danced, saw the sunrise once, evolved every damn minute, fell from grace once then pulled myself back up, saw double rainbows, felt rain on my face, met new friends and re kindled existing friendships, found peace, felt jealousy, drove a lift for man base strike in a white out, rode an atv, had my hair cut 4 times,burned a spider box, tackled more shade cloth than I care to remember, and at the end of it all tumbled down into chaos and loved every minute of it.
All in all I'd say it was a good year . . .

it's midnight on the 4th of July. I've chosen to stay home. For some reason being alone lately suits me. I've been standing at the cross roads for some time now wondering which way to turn, where I belong. I come up short every time. Sober and clean but as restless and wild as ever. I want to fly but I'm not sure where. I want to feel but I don't know if I can. There doesn't seem to be a niche that I fit into as of late. I go out with the dance family and I don't know what to say. And as of now I'm nervous about the desert and the unknown following it. There is pain deep down that I'm not sure how to let go of coupled with an emptiness that I cannot explain. I don't feel that much anymore. Love doesn't enter my hemisphere, but anger, mis-trust, and isolation do. My life is changing in ways I don't fully understand yet. I'm getting older, it shows in the subtle lines, the gray hair. I've been standing at this cross road for a while now trying to figure out which way is home. But everything I've known has changed or gone. I wonder if I'm scared to put down roots? If I don't settle there is less chance for hurt. Or maybe I have gotten so used to hurt it's become part of who I am and now maybe I'm scared of happiness.
Sigh
No matter what drives me right now I've never felt more alone

is it possible for me to go outside the box? I've pretty much come to terms with what I like and won't like in this life but somethings have crossed my path that have made me question certain aspect of what I thought was my being. Can I step outside my views of what I think is 'my type' and try something completely different? Or will I over think it and sabotage it all together. Patience is something that I am learning, along with letting go plus having faith. I sit, and wait, hopefully it will make sense.

Raindance

A weekend festival that was more like a family reunion than anything else. I must of given millions hugs and then some. I was fighting sickness, I was going to leave Friday night, then Saturday morning, then afternoon, then I finally left Sunday morning. I think it's the first festy ever that I spent a night sitting in a friends car watching a movie, next night curled up with another friend in his trailer falling asleep at 9pm, we slept until 5am. I was sober the whole weekend. It was a surreal experience hitting the dancefloor at 6am Sunday morning with B completely sober. I got high off everyone around me it seems. The weekend reaffirmed that I have the best damn family in the world and that love never dies no matter how much times has passed.