Sitting in a city with no name listening to the rain fall on the sidewalks listening to a music mix made for me by someone dear
wondering where I am going and what is my path
not having answers anytime soon
yet the rain still falls, washing away the grime in the corners of my mind
and in the middle of this cloudy day in a city with no name I begin to see the sun

I'm about to cut the tie, it's scares the hell out of me

I think I'm making the right choice moving back up to San Francisco. Something tugs at my heart, doubt maybe?? I've never been a big fan of change but I also welcome it on many levels. Another paradox of me in my life. I've grown to love space, and trees, birds. But when I'm in the city I see all the people I love all the time. It's a trade off really, what do I want more. I guess I ca always go back to Santa Cruz but I think that if I leave it will have to be for a while. The energy around my leaving will have to calm down before I feel like I can even visit there. So here I am in the midst of change again. Last year I made a huge change, and the year before that I made one as well. I want to be grounded so bad but I cannot seem to make it to that place right now. I guess I cannot fight the universe but the one thing I wonder if how much am I following it's plane already? I followed it's heed and left the bay area to a place where I was happy. I left that place and came back to California to a situation where I wasn't happy for pretty much the whole duration and now I'm thinking of moving back to the city that I was "kicked" out of 2 years earlier. What the fuck am I doing and is it right for me?

Cielo

Heaven

It's hard to imagine what heaven is anymore. When I first met Brandon before alcoholism was an issue I thought I was in heaven. But not I feel like I am in some sort of hell. Watching the people you care about destroy themselves an you have to sit back and do nothing because there isn't anything you can do. People have to want to help themselves.

I think sometimes I love too much, too deeply. I envy the people that can turn it off and walk away but I've never been like that. I think it's not in my chemical makeup to do that. It makes me wonder what my path in this world is then to feel the way I do. what is the purpose of the pain in my heart, is it supposed to make me evolve somehow? All I know is I cannot see him do what he's doing anymore. What happened to that man I used to know who wanted to learn to fly a plane, who smiled all the time. We are too far gone, I don't think anything can save us but I hope something can save him because I want him to be happy, I want him to fly.

The chaos is coming, right now I feel like I;m in the eye of the storm. it is raining outside which is ironic. It's going to get so worse before it gets better. People will be hurt and people will be loved and it's not going to be perfect and I will be in the middle trying to live with some kind of grace. I never want to hurt anyone, only love. But matters of the heart are not easily dealt with and the time has come to move on. I dread the consequences of my actions but in the flip I yearn to be free from the prison I have created.

Snow Thoughts

It's cold here in Boulder, but it doesn't bother me. It amazes me how much I miss it here. Things change though and what I miss the most is last summer, one of the best times of my life. Even if I moved back here things are different. People have moved, lives have changed. It would still be amazing if I moved back but it would be a different experience. Being here makes me realize how I want to hold on to the past in so many ways. To keep a grip on heaven but heaven is whatever I make of it. Yes I was in a sort of paradise last year but I can be in paradise again, here or anywhere else. Sitting here at my favorite Boulder cafe on the computer it's almost like I've never left but I have and in my heart I don't know where I belong anymore, maybe thats where I'm supposed to be. I've always felt like I should be the eternal wonderer and maybe I should.

Since I've turned 30 all I've wanted to do is look inward. To seclude myself and read, drink tea, go to sleep early, and just breathe it all in. There is a part of me that is yearning to evolve, the question is am I ready now? Is now the time for me to come into my own?