It's hard to imagine what heaven is anymore. When I first met Brandon before alcoholism was an issue I thought I was in heaven. But not I feel like I am in some sort of hell. Watching the people you care about destroy themselves an you have to sit back and do nothing because there isn't anything you can do. People have to want to help themselves.
I think sometimes I love too much, too deeply. I envy the people that can turn it off and walk away but I've never been like that. I think it's not in my chemical makeup to do that. It makes me wonder what my path in this world is then to feel the way I do. what is the purpose of the pain in my heart, is it supposed to make me evolve somehow? All I know is I cannot see him do what he's doing anymore. What happened to that man I used to know who wanted to learn to fly a plane, who smiled all the time. We are too far gone, I don't think anything can save us but I hope something can save him because I want him to be happy, I want him to fly.
1 comment:
P,
i'm not sure how i got to your site on this particualr night, but it must be kismet, as i have some experience and love to impart. here we go...
in letting go, i became free...
sometimes it is when the people who love us the most set us free that we realize our greatest assets are relationships. it may take a long time before B. realizes he has a problem and needs help and the reality is most of us never seek it, it becomes a choice when all others have been exhausted. he may die in the pursuit to prove himself non-alcoholic and its ok for you to choose not to watch or participate in that. its hard to walk, but self preservation demands it sometimes. encourage you to seek help via the "other" program. much love and strength, cm -aka toolgirl
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