muddled

I awoke today around 9, my head heavy with sleep. Alone in the house, my dad left for work hours ago. Remnants of last nights dreams are still perched on the tip of my brain but I cannot recall them. I know that I dreamed about a certain cat, I dream about him often. I am puzzled about why I dream about him though, our intimacy will go no father than friendship at the moment, maybe forever. I do not know his full purpose in my life, I cannot remember my dreams well enough to have a guess either. I roll out of bed the cold of fall hitting my toes. Thoughts about the day bombarded my senses, muddling most of everything else in my mind. I must unpack and repack my car, I've been careless of late and everything is strewn about in a heap. It will be almost 2 months that I've been on the road and homeless. The summer in Colorado seems so far away right now and in the state of mind that I am in I'm not sure where I belong anymore. I've come to a place lately where thing have happened that I did not for see them happening which has led me to a place of not having to many expectations of the future. I feel like that might be my test for a while, learning to be fluid with the shifting tides of life. Trying to live a day with simple aspirations. Fall has hit Loomis now, the leaves are changing or they are on the ground. The past weekend brought neighborhood children out to roll around in their mystery. I came to the realization that I cannot come back here for long periods of time anymore. I spent last night with my best friend from high school. I had not seen her or talked to her in 7 years but we recently got in touch thanks to myspace. We went to dinner and talked about the years gone by, reminiscing about everyone that we went to school with. Most are married with children in perfect or seemingly perfect lives. Lives that are so far from my reality that I can barely imagine. I know that no one has seen the desert like I have or has dreamed the dreams that I have. None is bad at all, we all choose our lives but theirs seem like prison to me, one that I ran away from long ago to a city by the bay with a vision of a different life. We looked at pictures of people 10 years ago and people now. How we all have grown up, looking like adults instead of children. It was fun to hang out with her and talk, there aren't many people that I've known for as long as her. I felt like I was 18 again but that is nothing to boast about. I barely remember 18, a muddled sense of college mixed with raves spiked with drug use. Escaping my mind when I didn't know yet that I had to make the changes for myself instead of running from them. yes, this area brings back memories that I would rather forget, a life that was dark and painful, not really hard in many ways. my parents did their best, they loved me and still do but being the child of people that see the world differently than she does is hard, you give up trying to make them believe in fairies. I continue the journey today heading to santa cruz to stay at the rose farm and relax for a while by the sea, Friday I'm back in SF, the 5th brings me up to Tahoe and then 10th I fly home to Colorado for the holidays. The past couple months seem like a dream. I've lived a life I've only wandered about, almost fell for someone, realized my own potential, met people that will be friends for life, and caught a glimpse of my life's purpose. Not too bad . . .